Shooting the Political Brees
Seeing as it’s a political year and we all know sports and politics go hand in hand like peanut butter & jelly, let’s just cut to the chase. No sense of me blowing smoke up people(s), (or should I say voters) asses to try to get them to read this piece in my Sports Scuttlebutt. I’ll just come straight with it, Drew Brees’s style and have my agent send threatening letters to everybody who doesn’t read this!

Okay, so Drew didn’t exactly do that, but he did have his agent send his mother, Mina Brees, a letter Oct. 20 threatening legal action. Apparently Drew doesn’t like, want, or condone being in TV commercials. Can you really blame the guy…Eveybody who does those Chunky Campbell’s Soup ads always get hurt. And seeing as how he’s coming off an injury, I don’t think it’d be a wise career move. Although this was not in reference to a Campbell’s ad, it was in response to his mother using a picture of her son in the uniform of his former team, the San Diego Chargers, to emphasize her ties to football, as she touts her candidacy for a Texas appeals court. Um, Mina, here’s some inside information…Your son plays for the New Orleans Saints now. I think that might be sending the wrong message to voters as you are showing them you aren’t up with the times in your own family…So how would you be a good fit in the court of appeals? I don’t know, I might be totally off the wall here…It just might be a thought some voters raise? Who are your campaign advisers, Dumb & Dumber?

Although the bigger issue here is, what is up with the Brees family…Getting agents involved in family affairs? I’ve heard of dysfunctional families before, even have had the pleasure witnessing first hand, but never have heard of this. Drew, asking his agent to draw up a letter to send to momma Brees threatening legal action? "I think the major point here is that my mother is using me in a campaign, and I've made it known many times I don't want to be involved," Drew Brees said. We get the point there Drew! What are you, a Republican and let me guess, she’s running as a Democrat, right? Got to love the politicians…Anything to win an election! However, I guess a simple phone call, email, text message, or even a fax was out of the question to notify her of your disapproval. Well LastRowSports.com is happy to report that Drew said he got no response from his mother when he first heard about the ads and called her to ask that she stop using them. So then yeah…She definitely had legal action coming her way then!

Although, I’m a bit confused here…Aren’t I always though? Momma Brees said her connection to football is relevant to her campaign because her father, a successful high school coach, used sports to teach her a strong work ethic that she would bring to the judicial bench. How does the Cover Two defense and Zone Blocking schemes relate to the judicial bench?

As a voter in this country, (well, honestly I must first renew my card) but hypelthhedicly speaking, I know everybody has his/her own problems at home…However, if one can’t control the issues in his/her own house as voters how are we supposed to give you our vote and put our faith in you as a politician? I mean Bill Clinton got away with his little misfortune largely in part due to the fact that every man in this country could relate to him in some way, shape or form. It’s fair to say his issues affected his personal life just like in your case, however the difference being his actions stemmed from the sexual variety, whereas in your case, I would have to question your ability to rule when it’s quite apparent you have troubles governing your own family. "I love Drew very much, and I'm very proud of him. But sometimes when people are following a career path, they change," she said. Perhaps this might be the perfect opportunity to put your career on hold and put your focus back on your family? That is if it’s more important to you than the Texas appeals court, Mina?

Harold Reynolds Strikes Back at ESPN!
Remember that "hug" heard around the world over the summer…You know the one that happened on the campus of ESPN. The same one that supposedly cost Harold Reynolds his job…The same one that ESPN tried to sweep under the rug and hope that it would go away…Yeah that one. Well guess what, it’s back…Only this time bigger that John Kruk!

So a 10-year veteran got fired over the summer for giving a colleague a hug…What’s wrong with a hug? I hug strippers all the time and surprisingly enough I don’t get kicked out of the club. Rather, for some odd reason they keep coming back for more hugs, I don’t know why? What, after giving Harold his walking papers, was he supposed to walk away quietly? The folks at Bristol would’ve liked to believe that…Just as they did when they told the nation, "Terrell Owens tried to kill himself." See, here in the real world when someone gets fired over something that he didn’t do, (supposedly)…We tend to fight back! Does the term Defamation of Character mean anything to you guys up there? For some odd reason I can see this exact term being brought to your attention in the lawsuit aware that Reynolds either has filed a lawsuit or plans to in the coming days, along with some others.

When does a simple hug cost somebody their job? I bet if Harold had it to do all over again he would’ve at least grabbed her ass…Come on, at least make the firing worth while here. In addition, maybe cop a little feel…At least earn that pink slip! Oh, but that’s right, he didn’t fit into the grand scheme of things…He took his job serious! Not like all those other comedians you employ! You guys want comedians, not huggy bears…Okay, I see, big difference. I’ll give you one thing, everytime I hear or see John Kruk, I always bust into hysterics over the fact that all he’s doing is trying to impersonate a good baseball analyst…Say, someone like Harold. You can’t tell me John hasn’t harass anybody there…He does it everyday! Just take a trip with him down to the cafeteria! There you will find harassment of epic proportion!

In typical Harold Reynolds fashion, he has tried to handle his departure from ESPN with class and dignity…Why isn’t that surprising? "I have tried everything possible to handle this situation quietly behind closed doors. After numerous conversations and multiple mediation discussions with ESPN executives, it is clear that ESPN had no intention of solving this problem amicably," Reynolds said in a statement. So instead of wanted to employee this kind of person, you guys would rather employ Kruk…Who I don’t know if you guys noticed or not, but he really doesn’t need that extra 10-15 pounds that the camera puts on you. Or wait, wait…Yeah, let’s employ Brian Kinchen who explained over the weekend for doing a college football telecast for ESPNU and explained how the need for receivers to make catches with their hands because they are "tender" and can "caress" the ball. He then paused and said, "that's kind of gay, but hey. Or better yet, Michael Irvin! Yeah, there’s a brilliant move! A guy who has a criminal resume which includes: charges of possession of marijuana and cocaine, more than once I might add…Once was with two strippers. I bet he got & gave hugs too, I’d say even more than Harold did! But since both fit the ESPN motto of being a clown, let’s bring him back to Bristol, isn’t that right? Awesome! Yeah, the network is making the right statement with that decision!

Speaking of statements, word out of Bristol now is that…"The suit is without merit," Krulewitz (one of ESPN’s clowns) said. Why of course it doesn’t…We would expect nothing less from a company who has tried to sweep this under the rug and hoped that it would go away to make a statement such as this. I just want to know which clown wrote this, hmm? Was it Bozo or Cookie? I think even those two would have a hard time believing that! Considering for a "supposedly" sports network, who better resembles "The Comedy Network"…That’s exactly what that statement is! Purely comical! If I want to laugh I would watch "The Man’s Show" or listen to Chad Johnson…Excuse me, Ocho Cinco 24/7!

Yet again another classic case of "He said, She said" will be settled in a court of law. Oh, sorry ESPN, that court of law doesn’t mean a taping of Judge Judy, either…I know that’s most likely what you thought! Just wanted to clarify that for you! Although, I think it would be safe to say that even Judge Judy would find some "merit" in this suit.

"For 11 years, I served ESPN with enthusiasm and dedication. It is unfortunate that ESPN has handled this process in an unprofessional manner. At the end of the day, my integrity, reputation and family are my top priorities, and for those reasons I need to set the record straight and clear my name." Well Harold, you’re going to get your day in court…For not being a power & homerun hitter, it’s about time you flex your muscles and swing for the fences. And seeing as how "chicks dig the long ball," who knows, you might even get a "hug" from a few of them? I just hope that "hug" wasn’t laced with any type of steroids, HGH, or wasn’t a by product of any "contaminated supplement".

What’s Next for UNC?
Surprisingly enough the University of Northern Colorado is back in the news again thanks to their "drunk, idiot, kicker". Now before some dumbass asks if I have any proof if he was drunk or an idiot…Let’s just say, actions speak louder than words to me! Although with the University of Northern Colorado back in the national headlines for a second time this year, one can only imagine the benefactors it has received. Through a "Nancy & Tonya" part II, this previously unknown university has made quite a name for itself..

So, first it was the "former" backup punter Mitch Cozad who faces charges of attempted first-degree murder and second-degree assault in an attack on starter Rafael Mendoza after stabbing him in the leg. Then two weeks ago UNC had defensive lineman and co-captain Jacob Carlson cited for disorderly conduct after a bar fight. Not that this doesn’t happen in every bar in the country. That’s like saying I’m going to a strip club, but I don’t want any assess or titties in my face. The bigger issue is what was Mr. Carlson doing in a bar to begin with? After all, aren’t you still in season? Although just last weekend Jacob was outdone by fellow teammate Garrett Bliss as he was arrested on suspicion of third-degree assault over text messages sent to his girlfriend's mobile phone. Okay, what kind of dumbasses send football player’s girlfriends text messages? Although, the bigger issue is, (I’m assuming it was a guy) what was his girlfriend giving out her phone number for?

At any rate with all the recent hubbub at UNC, university President Kay Norton, along with officials, told student-athletes at a mandatory meeting Sunday that the school would not stand for being embarrassed by off-field behavior any longer. Is this another one of those "Zero-Tolerance" policies? Yeah, those seem to work real well. Should we notify all the law enforcement agencies in this country to gather up anybody who is thinking about becoming a criminal and tell them "It’s in the best interest not to?" "We are representatives of the University of Northern Colorado every minute of every day, 24-7, whether we feel like it at that moment or not," Norton told more than 400 student-athletes Sunday. Gimme a Break!

Why was the meeting just for student-athletes? A non-student athlete can’t do these kind of things? I’m sure they can. Let’s be real here, a "normal" student at the University of Northern Colorado, (and I use that term loosely…What kind of normal person would choose to attend that school in the first place) wouldn’t capture media attention., wouldn’t capture headlines in the newspaper. Thus not giving your once quiet, peaceful university all the attention as lets say University of Miami gets. Why down there all they do is brawl on the football field. What, before installing this new "Zero-Tolerance" policy did you concur with Donna Shalala to see what she thought? If it was up to her, she probably wouldn’t have done jack shit…For fear she would run them over with the bus.

Although just like in Miami, just because your institution signs bullies to football scholarships instead of thugs as is the case with Miami, you shouldn’t call and hold a student-athletes mandatory meeting to lay down the law. Last time I checked everybody in college is a grown adult. Grown adults don’t have mommy & daddy telling them right from wrong anymore. They have to be held accountable for their own actions…No matter good, bad, or otherwise. So let’s cut the shit, the real reason why this meeting was held was the fact that you were tired of having the fingers points at you. Tired of all the bad publicity that you (Kay Norton) were getting. Really all this meeting was about is to try and make you look good. While I admire your message, which is more than I can say about other school presidents, HI DONNA, all you’re doing is trying to make yourself look good! Although, good looking out!

Two Fantasies and One Nightmare
Yes, it’s another Monday again and we all know what that means…It’s time for another weekly installment of Tony Kornheiser’s Monday Night fantasy team. What must it be like traveling around the country trying his best to imitate John Madden & his cruiser, as he studies up for his weekly exam…Knowing absolutely nothing about football. I think my grandfather may know more and he lives in a nursing home with various issues. Is it too soon, (or do I mean too late) to bring Dennis Miller back? Or how about Mr. Roto…That guy is a fantasy genius!

Although seeing how it is Monday and fantasy talk is inevitable, so why the hell not talk about it? If TK can, (and he gets paid for it) so why can’t I? Remember back in late July, up until the first week of September for some, (those would be the ones that bitch about their players might get hurt in the preseason…So lets hold our draft the day before the Steelers-Dolphins game). The question going into everyone’s draft was, "If I was one of the lucky bastards to get one of the top two picks in the draft, who would be the one to select?" See now, I don’t know about you, but I wanted to be the one sitting at number three where all the hard work & decision making was already done for me…It’s less stressful, doesn’t cause nightmares. Well, that is unless people out there took Shaun Alexander with their overall first pick in their fantasy drafts…But I’ll have you know, my decision was already made for me! Now, if I can just somehow find a way to get passed all these nightmares that keep reoccurring for me…For some odd reason, for the last couple weeks, I’ve dreamt John Madden is holding my team hostage! He has taken Shaun Alexander on his Madden Cruiser, take his picture, slapped it on the cover of his video game, and won’t release Shaun back to the Seahawks or more importantly the Pickle Pirates.

Rumors have it Alexander is coming back this week against the Raiders, or the week after, or the week after that, or the month after that…The Seahawks will welcome him back with open arms. However, the Pickle Pirates have found more than adequate replacements to fill the void. And now with Seneca Wallace taking the snaps instead of Matt Hasselback, sure the return of the waning MVP will help, however before Shaun hopped aboard the Madden Cruiser his numbers were un-Alexander like….

RUSHING YARDS
G = 3
Att = 65
Yds = 187
Avg = 2.9
Lg = 14
TD = 2

RECEIVING YARDS
G = 3
Rec = 5
Yds = 22
Avg = 4.4
Lg = 9
TD = 0

Now we all wondered how Steve Hutchinson’s flying the coup, (no pun intended) would affect Shaun’s abilities to run as he did last year. Although it was said that the same type of scenario in Kansas City would have a greater impact on Larry Johnson than Shaun, it’s safe to say this assessment was way off base…I bet Tony Kornheiser was the one who made this assessment!
Meanwhile, those other two backs in the three headed- monster debate…Some might’ve heard of them, they go by the initials LT & LJ…It’s halfway into the season and still the best way to decide this one is to flip a coin. And yes, even if that means you’re in Detroit on Thanksgiving and the referee can’t hear what was called…Isn’t that right, Jerome? Since in this case, it doesn’t really matter, unlike the turkey day up in Detroit!

While Larry Johnson came out of the gates slow, he’s slowly regaining the sick running form that he graced the gridiron with last year…Trying his best to stabilize the Chiefs offense and doing his best bobblehead down impression a few weeks back in Arizona, thanks to Antrel Rolle. The question was how would he fare with some new pieces in that O-Line…I’d say not too shabby just by looking at his stats…A very good fantasy to have!

RUSHING YARDS
G = 7
Att = 172
Yds = 644
Avg = 3.7
Lg = 38
TD = 8

RECEIVING YARDS
G = 7
Rec = 27
Yds = 329
Avg = 12.2
Lg = 78
TD = 2

A year ago the question was who’s a better back, LaDainian Tomlinson or Shaun Alexander? Well this season Johnson has replaced Alexander in that aspect…Although it’s just another status quo season for the former Horned Frog. Is there really a better back in the league than the LT, who’s copyrighting those initials on the west coast. The question that was coming into this season was how would he do with Phillip Rivers behind center instead of Drew Brees? One question…How stupid were we to think this…The Chargers could bring back Ryan Leaf & LT’s production would be the same. Okay, maybe not Leaf, but Dan Fouts could certainly come out of retirement. Sick doesn’t even begin to describe this…I wish all my fantasies could be this good!

RUSHING YARDS
G = 7
Att = 150
Yds = 656
Avg = 4.4
Lg = 58
TD = 9

RECEIVING YARDS
G = 7
Rec = 35
Yds = 303
Avg = 8.7
Lg = 37
TD = 2

Not to mention one touchdown pass on the year.

So halfway through the season how does your fantasy look? Is it what you had hoped for…Has it been as advertised? Has it exceeded your expectations…Better than you could’ve ever possibly imagined? Well at least somebody gets this lucky & feels good? Why is it mine always turn into nightmares? Story of my life!

What Happened to the World Series?
Funny thing happened to me last night. Seeing as how I wasn’t really feeling Tony Romo’s coming out party in Charotte, nor was I feeling the epic Sunday Night college football battle between Rutgers & Uconn, (since when did college football start being played on Sunday evening? Doesn’t ESPN know it’s a school night?) I had planned to sit down to watch some of the World Series. I figured it was most likely game six if not seven, due to all the rain. So I turned on Fox and there was no baseball…Go figure, another rain delay I thought. Oh well baseball, I tried to help boast your ratings, but I guess I couldn’t help?

When I woke up this morning I went down to the local Dunkin Donuts to do my best police officer impression…Opened up the sports section, read it. Read how the Buffalo Sabres finally lost their first game of the season…Big write up about that, taking up virtually the whole page. Found that kind of surprising since it is hockey…Although I’ll be honest, it was on the back page. Then to fill the rest of the page in was a little blurb whose headline read: "St. Louis Paints the Town Red after Cards Win World Series." I thought that was kind of odd since there had to be a rain out last night, hmm? Turns outs, this was two day old news as St. Louis won Friday…I thought I was the only one in the dark on this, but thank God I’m not.

This year’s World Series was no better than watching a Cub game on a Saturday afternoon in the summertime when one wants to catch a nap. That’s one thing the Cubbies are good at….Now it turn’s out when one wants that remedy in October all that is needed is a Detroit Tigers-St. Louis Cardinals World Series. For any individual who has problems sleeping at night, forget taking Nyquil or any other of those nighttime sleeping medicines…All that is needed is to catch one-half inning between the Tigers-Cardinals.

Although it was quite reckless of the Fox network not to announce any possible side affects that could come by watching…You know the one where Cialis tells us, "If it lasts more than four hours seek professional attention," yeah, same goes for this edition of the World Series.

Okay, so the Cardinals won in five, (I think)? The 2006 World Series will be remembered for two things and quite frankly thank God these two things happened otherwise, it would’ve never been newsworthy. Instead of criticizing Kenny Rogers and wanting to cave in our televisions at every sports telecasts talking about the "Dirty Hand", we should be sending them thank you cards. Now it’s very clear why they beat this horse so many times…It’s all they had. See, a series between the Cards & Tigers is a nice interleague series, but that’s it…Nobody gives a rats ass! It’s pretty sad when one of two biggest storylines in the World Series is the raining weather! Perhaps that’s all Kenny Rogers needed to wash off that "dirt".

For being America’s past time, well I guess that fits now. Baseball has gone by the way side. Now was the reason why this World Series got a 10.1 rating and 17 shares was due to the fact of the two participating teams? Or is it the fact that nobody gives a shit about baseball due to football season? All I know is this country loves to embrace the underdogs…The Cinderellas. We saw it last year in the Final Four with George Mason. The Tigers were the baseball’s version of George Mason…The Cardinals, well nuff said…They’re the Cardinals, one of the most storied franchises. So why did this year’s World Series resemble that of a Little League World Series? Or the World Series of Poker or Darts (whichever you prefer)? Maybe we should sleep on that for a while…Just hope Nyquil can do the same kind of job as the 2006 World Series did?

Does Cold November Rain Equal Horseshoe, Heisman, Championship?
Since it’s time to turn the calendars over to November this means a few things…No more baseball, thank God, we’re inching every so slowly to the big turkey day feast, I have the opportunity to flip over my Playboy Playmate calendar and drool like a dog in heat for a month of Miss November. Despite the drooling, turning the page from October to November, one thing starts to become clearer…The landscape of college football. With about a month left in the regular season, the month of November is where championships are won and lost…It’s where individual honors and rewards are earned.

Typically we find proms taking place in April or May at some lavish location…The Big East Conference didn’t get that memo. They’ve decided to hold theirs this coming Thursday in Louisville, Kentucky in a "Pizza Oven". While this is one of the games that we’ve been waiting for since early September, well…Sorry Papa, your Pizza is only an appetizer to the main course which will be served later on in the month in Columbus. Enough about the prom, mine sucked!
Ohio State-Michigan…Nuff Said! Although everything in college football hinges on this game…Both for the two participating, but also the ones home eating cheeseburgers. Now rumor has it that no matter who loses this game, we could see a rematch of this game in Glendale thanks to the great BCS. Well then, why even play in the Horseshoe then…Just postpone it until the first week of January then. See, the thing about college football, teams get one shot…That’s it! There’s no do-overs, no reruns…That’s one of the beauties of it. We as fans…Well, it’s like, "Been There, Done That." This isn’t the NFL…This brand of football penalizes teams for not only losing, but more importantly when they lose…Hence the old adage saying "If you lose, you want to lose early." If we aren’t going to use a playoff system, how can this be justified? Would that be in some facets kind of like a playoff? Here’s something to ponder…A half ass playoff is worse than the entire structure & foundation of the BCS.

Now again, I’m just going according to the rumor that this could have the possibility of happening. However, if it does then this game coming up in a few weeks doesn’t actually mean shit! To think, one of the greatest rivalries in college football holding the same value as an off-season workout. To the winners go, "Great, now we have to beat them again." To the losers go, "That doesn’t mean anything…See you in five weeks." With so much hype surrounding this upcoming game in Columbus, if one really thinks about it…What’s it all for if five weeks later we see the sequel in Arizona? What’s all the fuss about then? For that we have none other than the BCS to thank for that too. Just when we think the BCS has outdone itself, it proves us wrong again.

In addition to it being Ohio State-Michigan, 1 vs. 2 in Columbus…More likely than not this game will play a huge role in the Heisman Trophy picture as well. Troy Smith, the consensus Heisman Trophy leader through basically the entire season due to many people falling out of the race. His lone competition will be Brady Quinn, (give that thanks to the media) but why has his been the top Heisman candidate throughout the season? Is it because he really is the best player or is it because he plays on the best team in the country? Yes, it’s that famed old question. Lets face it, the Heisman Trophy is either going to be won in Columbus or in Los Angeles unless something unforeseen happens.

Nonetheless, (that’s a whole different article) lets just say for argument sake, (I love being the Devils advocate) Ohio State losing to Michigan in Columbus…Troy Smith has an average game, Michigan wins but Ohio State still plays for the National Championship against Michigan in Glendale. However, Brady Quinn ends up with better stats than Smith, which is quite possible due to the two offensive systems. How to rock the vote now?

The Heisman Trophy is an individual award, given to a player who has been declared the best in the country. Although an individual award, it’s won through a team…But how? Does statistics win this award? If so, Brady Quinn probably wins it…After all, does the best player normally have the best numbers? Does how successful a particular team is wins this award? If so, Troy Smith probably wins it. Does being the best player on the best team matter? If so, these two likely don’t qualify as such…Depending on everybody’s definition of "best player"? So, what wins the Heisman Trophy in 2006? I don’t know that! Stay tuned on that. Although, what I do know is…All computers & voters suck! That and, the fact that November rain always seems to be cold.

David Stern Bites More Off Than He Can Chew
Why does it seem David Stern always has something up his ass? First it was the whole dress code thing, followed by the new ball, followed by players on the court MUST have their jersey tucked in at all times, to players must now remove their warm-ups at the bench instead of stripping at the scorers table…Not to mention he goes and changes the game ball to that of something that us sports fans might find on the shelves of a local K-Mart, Wal-Mart, or Target (whichever you prefer). Oh let’s not forget his obsessions with fining Mark Cuban whenever he gets ants in the pants. Now Big Dave, sorry to say…You’ve gone to far.

Now you would like to ban all NBA players from having guns…Oh wait, having guns outside the home. Well sorry DS, this is one thing you can’t mandate! See we have this little thing called the second amendment in this country that allows us to be packing as we damn well please. Isn’t that a bitch…While you’d prefer firearms to be left at home there’s not a damn thing you can do about this. So your little cry out to the public has just really fallen on deaf ears…Well, except for mine, because it’s my job to point out how dumb people are. Today’s your lucky day, Dave.

So you’d rather your players keep guns in their homes to protect themselves. Um, excuse me…While I’ve never been to a big time athletes home, (only seen them on TV). In order for a crazed lunatic to even reach the home one would have to climb walls, out run dogs, and hope not to get picked off by a sniper on the roof. So the odds of your players not feeling safe in their homes to quite humorous to think. Here’s a news flash…The home, yeah, that’s the safest place for these big timers to be. You should know that…Every time you go out, I’m sure at least somebody on a daily basis wants to put a cap in your ass if not more. Do you think it’s really safe for you to travel to Dallas without one seeing as how you screwed the Mavs last year? And just a question, who’s going to threaten them in their own house? Smokey the dog? I didn’t know a dog biting his owner constitutes as a threat? Got to call PETA about that…You do have their number?

I will agree with you on one thing when you say, "I think that if you carry a gun, your chances of being shot by one increase dramatically." Yes, but getting behind the wheel of an automobile going to the local strip club enhances your chance of getting in a car accident…Or in the case of Stephen Jackson, a shootout not of the three-point variety though. Why does this plea from you sound like the same kind of one I heard from a 5-year old this afternoon pleading & begging his mother to buy him the new Elmo doll? "Please Mom, Please buy Elmo for me…I’ll do anything you want!" This went on for about 10 minutes. I was half asset tempted to buy it for the snot nose, little ankle bitter bastard just so he would SHUT THE HELL UP! I’m seeing some of those same whining characteristics in you Dave! "PLEASE DON’T CARRY GUNS…PLEASE!" I thought you were a bigger man than that? Would a nice new Elmo cheer you up?

"Those guns actually make them less safe. And it's a real issue." No, sorry DS…The real issue here is you just want to do more policing around the NBA. These are grown men, bud…If somebody wants to be packing, let them pack. If they get shot & they die, well sometimes the slippery ball bounces that way, love them slippery balls. The only thing that you can control is not allowing players to carry them on any league or team business…See, I read my copy of the NBA's collective bargaining agreement. Doesn’t that just burn your ass DS…I bet it does! You can’t do nothing about this…Well except for the fact that you can always throw these little temper tantrums that honestly are quite amusing! Gives me good shit to write about. I haven’t seen an adult throw this kind of tantrum since the days of Nancy & Tonya!

WHY, WHHYYY, WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY…Isn’t that how it went, David?

"Smokey" Has Some Bite
Sports and mascots go hand in hand…Both provide us with some form of entertainment. Now that can either be good or bad depending on what team you cheer & how ludicrous the mascot is. These costumes are usually worn by crazed lunatics who had to be dropped on their heads at some point in their childhood…Why do they always seem like they just got done drinking a 12-pack of Red Bull? In some instances the mascot can steal the headlines away from the actual game being played….Is Stanford really aware how lucky they are to have that tree as their mascot? Out there the 12-pack of Red Bull becomes a case of Miller Lite. Although if you really think about it, why else would anybody want to attend any athletic events at Stanford if that was the case?

Apparently some hooligan must’ve laced "Smokeys" water bowl with some Red Bull last Saturday. Now we all know it’s always a big game the third Saturday in October…Better known as Alabama week to the Knoxvillans, everybody’s fired up on Rocky Top. However, apparently some more than others. Mans best friend, Tennessee’s favorite son, (or dog in this case) the bluetick coonhound known as Smokey IX has been accused of a very serious doggie crime. The Crime: biting an Alabama player before last week's game at Neyland Stadium. So I’m guessing that he’s out of the running for the "Capital One Mascot of the Year" title then? Smokey, say it isn’t so bud. See, goes to show you water & Red Bull is a lethal combination!

So why the outburst? Nothing really…Of course, except for the fact that Crimson Tide receiver Mike McCoy fell on the 3-year-old dog during pre-game warmups. After all, McCoy only stands 6-foot-3, and weighs 195-pounds. Oh, is that all…Smokey has some nerve! I don’t know why on earth he took a bite out of McCoy? Wonder what the Stanford Tree would’ve done if he got Jacked Up innocently standing on the sidelines? If this story isn’t odd enough…The two respective schools have turned this into a he said, she said story. Come on people, we’re talking about a mascot here. Smokey's owner says he didn't…"Smokey did not bite him…He only howls." Wait, wait…He’s a dog right? It’s a known fact that dogs bite…Period, no matter what breed! Alabama coach Mike Shula says Smokey bit the player, but he goes on to say… "I wasn't an eyewitness, but I did see that it drew blood in pre-game warmups."

Mikey, if you weren’t an I eyewitness, how do you know that the blood was a result of Smokey chomping down on one of your players like he does his doggy toys? What, did McCoy tell you that the dog bit him for no apparent reason? I’m just guessing he neglected to say that he fell on top of the pooch to you, didn’t he? I’m no expert in Smokey handling, but I do know Dog 101…In it one learns, dog doesn’t bite unless dog gets pissed off about something, or gets JACKED UP by a 6-foot-3, 195-pound football player. I’m curious, let’s say this wasn’t Smokey…Lets say this was Ralphie out in Colorado, or Mike the Tiger down in Baton Rouge

Although since there’s a discrepancy on what really did go down last Saturday…The bigger question here that should be asked is, "Has PETA been contacted?" I have no doubt through their intensive research, they can figure out exactly what went down. If PETA gets involves, Mike McCoy, you better watch your back son…They don’t take no shit from animal abuser. After they get through with you, Smokey’s bite will look like a love nibble from your girlfriend! Believe That!
"He's never hurt anybody. He's very gentle, very calm," Earl Hudson (The Pooch’s Trainer) said. Hey Earl, another thing I learned in Dog 101 is that every dog owner says that about the dog. Dumb people who own pitbulls even say shit like that. You think perhaps this is why everybody refers to dogs as "Mans Best Friend?" Gee, now there’s a concept. I understand you’re defending your dog, it’s kind of like Charlie Weis defending his football as they slipped in the polls, but it’s like what you said… "He came down right on top of Smokey," Hudson explained. "Now what dog worth his salt wouldn't defend himself?

Although a warning should go out to Vol players & fans…We don’t know what kind of psychological damage Smokey may suffered from this incident, so at the next Tennessee home game as Smokey wanders through the crowd gathered for the procession of players to the game gets petted by many children, just be very aware and use good judgment. At any possible moment Smokey could have a flashback to Mike McCoy, as he mistaken him for a horse. One thing is for sure. Smokey was not injured and remains on the travel roster as the Vols travel to Columbia, South Carolina on Saturday.

In my opinion, this only helps to build a better resume for Smokey as the "Capital One Mascot of the Year"! Hey Smokey, you still get my vote! That’s such a good dog…You’re such a good dog, yes you are….Yes, you are!

Thanks Doggie Language for in case any of you out there aren’t fluent in it!

Comedy Hour with Roy Williams…The Quote Machine!
I hope Roy Williams never pipes down. Why the Detroit Lions would be so much more boring without his commentary. Matt Millien has a new best friend…Come to think of it it’s his only friend in Detroit. Why with Roy always in the spotlight every time he decides to bump his lips together every time he sees a microphone all of us tend to forget just how pathetic Matt Millien really is! Roy’s just never at a loss for words…No matter how idiotic they make him look! Wait a minute, what am I saying…He has that God given ability to look like a jackass everytime he bumps his gums together! Without further ado, let’s take a look at Comedy Hour with Roy Williams…Stage name "The Quote Machine".

(Disclaimer: All quotes are from some point in this season…If they don’t make sense to you or find yourself laughing uncontrollably, you’re most likely not alone!)

"We've got to get to the other side of the (win-loss) column," Williams said. "0-3? I would have paid you a million bucks at the start of the season if you would have told us we would be 0-3. That just can't happen."

"We're working hard; 0-3 doesn't mean we're out of the playoffs. We're not saying that we can't win these next thirteen games and finish 13-3. We're going to take it one game at a time; go to St. Louis and hopefully be 1-3 in this first quarter - then go get ready for the second quarter."
To quote Jim Mora…"Playoffs, Playoffs, Playoffs….Playoffs………Playoffs?" Nuff said!

After his team's 9-6 season-opening loss to visiting Seattle, Detroit's Roy Williams guaranteed the Lions would beat the Bears at Soldier Field.

"We will win this game. Y'all can take that as a guarantee or whatnot, but we will win this game," Williams said the day after the Lions lost their opener, 9-6, to the Seattle Seahawks. – On the second week matchup against the Bears this season.
Oops. That 34-7 loss to the Bears wasn’t in the plans now was it?

"Whoever it is (Detroit is playing), we'll win the game if we do what we're supposed to do," Williams said following the Bears loss.
That team would’ve been the Green Bay Packers…And if I recall, the Pack didn’t have any troubles scoring, but yet again the Lions did as you guys lost again.

"We'll see Chicago again (Dec. 24 in Detroit) and we'll win if we do what we're supposed to do. This team is capable of scoring 28 points per game and we're averaging (6.5) points per game. That's 20 points below what we should be averaging. That's not good."
How’s that scoring average now? Is it close to the 28-point plateau?

"Their defense is good (Chicago Bears), but it's not like it's that special."
So if the Chicago Bears defense isn’t that special…Could you please define the term "special" for us Roy. I guess it must take a hell of a lot more than the number one overall defense in the league to make an impression on you?

"This (loss) wasn't on (Lions head coach Rod Marinelli)," Williams said. "He had us prepared to play. This is all on us, and I'm speaking for the offense. We hold, we jump offside, we turn the ball over. You're not supposed to do that. Our defense did its job, but we have to protect them. We have to score points."
And you’ve been doing that so very well this season, haven’t you Roy? Care to re-evaluate your offense averaging 28-points Although, it’s refreshing to know you show some mental capacity for understanding the game of football.

"We're a good football team, but we're making bonehead penalties and bonehead mistakes. Teams that win the Super Bowl don't make mistakes like that.
Sorry Roy, hate to disagree with you once again, but you’re not a good football team! You’re the Detroit Lions! Big Difference! Still trying to clarify whether or not whether to label the Lions a football team at all?

Now for Roy’s latest incident with a microphone in his ugly mug…
"I'm going to say we can put this together. I feel we are a 9-0 ballclub." – Roy Willams

So the Lions are going to run the table from here on out…Yeah, and Kenny Rogers had dirt on his hand. Well, now wait a minute, lets look at the schedule, (Hi, Woody Paige) maybe Roy’s on to something?

ATLANTA FALCONS
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
at Arizona Cardinals
MIAMI DOLPHINS
New England Patriots
MINNESOTA VIKINGS
at Green Bay Packers
CHICAGO BEARS
at Dallas Cowboys

Nope, sorry…He’s not on to something! I think he’s on something! I thought the Lions got rid of Charles Rodgers because he was always on something?
We should know by now the only guarantee with the Lions is, just when you think they might not be terrible, they're right back to terrible.

Thanks to the Tigers, the Lions haven't really been on the radar so far this season. Their losing has taken a backseat to the Tigers winning. Now that the Tigers are in the World Series…At least for a couple more days. And with basketball, and hockey in full swing Roy’s word will definitely be falling on deaf ears in Mo-Town. However, I would like to send my sincerest thanks to you, for giving me the opportunity to make fun of your sorry ass! You make it so easy! Besides Matt Millen loving you, LastRowSports.com loves you too!
So there you have it, another installment of the Roy Willams Comedy Hour. To think if Roy was half as good on the football field as he is on the mic why he wouldn’t look like such a moron…Or would he? Stay tuned to further installments of this comic act…We all know it’s bound to happen! Hey Roy, SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE!

Sorry Charlie
Would somebody please get Charlie Weis some cheeseburgers here…The man is very hungry and in case nobody has noticed, he’s a very large man. This combination could become lethal…Nothing worse then a large man, starving. For dessert, a couple of after meal mints will be provided by TUMS to help relieve any indigestion that he appears to have after watching his Irish drop in the polls after what some would tag a "Instant Classic" in South Bend on Saturday. ESPN, where you at? Out buying Charlie some cheeseburgers, I hope as I take it you couldn’t get the rights from NBC to re-broadcast this game, could you?

So Charlie Weis is spitting mad about the polls…Welcome to the club, Chucky! Sorry, this is the way it works here, bud. Everyone of us always has indigestion in the club…Good to see you’ve hopped on board. After stabbing UCLA in the back in the final 1:02 pollsters & computers did the injustice of dropping Notre Dame in the polls…Them bastards! However, sitting there watching the game on Saturday…WOOHOOING as I fell out of my chair watching Jeff Smargbvuggvyi cross the goalline to give the Irish another "One for the Ages" comeback…Lying on my back because I just paralyzed myself falling out of my chair. Lying on my back as I waited for paramedics to arrive to transport me to the hospital gave me at least 10 minutes to think as I stared straight up at the ceiling…There was a few thing I thought about. One, the ceiling definitely needs to get painted…And two, as much as it pains me to say this, Notre Dame has no business being ranked in the Top 10, (Although, my back pain hurt more than saying that).

This year was National Championship or bust…Well guess what, it’s a bust! After barely beating Georgia Tech, sure we beat Penn State’s ass, then got our ass handed to us the next week by Michigan. While ND has run the table ever since, and will continue to do so until the Los Angeles trip, it has been done & will continue in ho hum fashion…Except for the two epic comebacks in the last moments of the game. Sure they’re great and all, but for the most part shouldn’t have been necessary in the first place if this team was a legitimate top team. Don’t get me wrong here, regardless of what Charlie has done in less than two years is great…So great in fact, I replaced by Rudy picture on my nightstand with one of the Chuckster. Every night I go to bed, I give it a big ole wet kiss…Sorry Rudy! See Charlie, in college football style points matter. Style points are what win you National Championships…There’s no playoff tree here! Winning is just not good enough…Winning in style, now there’s the key ingredient! And the troops in South Bend have as much style & spice as Bill Belichick has with he sweatshirt…None.

Again, this pains me to say, but all year Notre Dame has been overrated! The reality is that if Notre Dame beats USC, (which, surprisingly they may) and goes to a BCS Bowl, the fact remains, they’ll lose to whoever they go up against. That’s a given! Why? Well, that’s the 8 million dollar question, (or how ever much the BCS pays out)? With a senior offensive line, a senior signal caller, (what was supposed to be a Heisman Trophy season) & experience at the skill positions, why is it last year’s offense seemed to be more explosive? With a defense that everybody heard that had improved, and how they became quicker in the off-season…While the improvements may show & hold some truth, and they may be better, what I get a kick out of here is to hear they’ve gotten quicker. Yes, it’s a given…Anyone can be taught to become more quicker, however quickness doesn’t relate to speed. If you’re slow, well you’re slow…Can’t teach an old dog new tricks, right? Same holds true here…Nobody can become faster! Well that is legally…Perhaps, Marion Jones could shed some light on this?

Although, it’s a given the college athletics are just politics…And you were just going to bat to defend the honor of your team like any good coach would. I’m just glad you didn’t bring a gun to the press conference and start waving it around to get your point across to the voters…Some people believe that’s the best method of actions! All in all, the program is back on track and headed in the right direction…Simply put, expectations were too high coming into the season…But then again, that’s Notre Dame for you and they wouldn’t have it any other way! Isn’t that enough cause for indigestion? In Charlie We Trust, but sorry Charlie, as a Domer fan, this time you don’t have a gripe!

Speaking of gripes, I have a big one with these cheeseburgers I just exhaled! I think perhaps I’ve got a bad case of indigestion? Before I devoured them, I check the labels for possible side affects? It’s always good to read the labels before exhaling items into the body. Indigestion was one of them, but just to be sure, I’m sending a sample off to the lab to be tested! A bad case of indigestion is nothing to mess around with…Charlie knows that! Now it’s time to consume some TUMS, but again I check the label first. It’s always good to be label conscious! And in case anybody was wondering, I’m not paralyzed as I thought I was…Paramedics classified it as a server case of shock. Good thing, otherwise my Sports SchuttleButt as part of the LastRow would be shut down!

An Exclusive Look at the Official NFL’s Banned Substance List
On the heels of Shawn Merriman’s supposedly "unknowing" positive steroids test, we learned the reason for it possibly could stem from one of his over the counter supplements that was tampered with. Hey, that’s cool…Whatever makes you sleep better at night, Shawn? I’m just so happy you don’t have an abnormally high testosterone level…Blame it on the supplements. However, all supplements do come with labels…In fact the NFL gives its players a list of banned supplements. So, I’m guessing the University of Maryland isn’t really big into the whole reading concept, now are they? Here’s a thought…How about just pointing the finger at yourself…Accept the fact that you screwed up. In case you’re telling the truth, it’s still your fault for being careless as to what you put into your body.

With that being said, Halloween is just around the corner. While many have their own beliefs on this day…For the ones who choose to take part in this day, well…It's candy that makes you tick! The NFL does take this day seriously, as many of their players participate in it through the country in their respective communities. To help insure safety to its players and the children that will take in this day, the NFL has just released it’s "2006 Banned Candy List". All the league players have received a copy of the list, but parents please take note…The NFL has given the exclusive rights to LastRowSports.com to make this information to the public. You will find this information nowhere else! We, along with the NFL, want to make the 2006 edition of Halloween enjoyable…And one of, without any regrets.

Halloween candy comes in all shapes and sizes, and yes, there are plenty of sweets that will forever remain top drawer dawgs no matter what else comes out -- things like Twix bars and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups will always be among the elite pack of stomach-busters for kids. However, it has been proven, an abundant amount of Kit-Kat’s, Reese’s, Nestle Crunch, Milky Way, etc. can improve the body’s ability to function & perform unnaturally at high levels and have serious risks in the process. While the NFL releases this annually, they update it yearly in accordance with all the new candy that has come out within the year. For this year, the list includes six new stomach-busters, while still containing numerous of the same old brands & labels. Take a gander at these six new additions for the 2006 list.

New Contenders:

Kellogg's Triple Spooky Berry Twistables
Spooky Shapes Tootsie Pops
Hubba Bubba Mummy Tape
Mini Oreo Cookie Bags
Nestle Grave Bandit:
Pumpkin Patch Orange Pop Rocks

Old Faces:

The Chocolate. This group includes:
Nestle Crunch,
Butterfinger,
Baby Ruth,
Almond Joy,
M&M's (ANY & ALL),
Snickers,
Reese's,
Kit Kat,
Hershey's Kisses (Hershey Hugs are FINE),
Hershey's Milk Chocolate,
Hershey's Special Dark,
Krackel,
Mr. Goodbar,
Creepy Peepers, which are milk chocolate eyeballs filled with caramel goo.

The "Fruit"- and "Vegetable"-Based. Included in this group are:
Twizzlers,
Jolly Ranchers,
Life Savers,
Pumpkin Peeps.

The Sweet and the Tart. This group consists of the eponymous SweeTarts and also Starbursts.

Any consumption of the candies listed above throughout Halloween and the days beyond might result in the following symptoms and could result in more serious consequences.
1. Inhibition of Natural Hormones
2. Effects and Liver Damage
3. Effects on Cholesterol
4. Gynocomastia (Development of breast tissue in males)
5. Acne and Anabolic Steroids
6. Roid Rage
7. Baldness
8. Cardiovascular Problems
9. Virilization
10. Stunted Growth
11. Prostate Enlargement
12. High Blood Pressure
13. Kidney Problems
14. Sterility in Males and Females

Please review it for your child’s sake…Do them the favor of checking every candy wrapper he or she brings home to see if there's anything that would make them have a positive steroids test. Along with the NFL, LastRowSports.com hope this list can prevent any unclearity surrounding any questions as to what kind of candy is legal & illegal for one to consumer. With this list being made public, nobody out there can say we didn’t warn anybody as to what kind of candy to inhale! This give a whole new meaning to the phrase "Trick or Treat!"

Father Goes to Bat For Son With Gun
Few things in life can be more gratifying to parent(s) than watching their loved one(s) from the sidelines as they participate in athletic competition. No matter on what level, through competing in some type of sport, lessons are taught and learned from a different perspective. A perspective that for the most part can’t be taught by any parent…Athletics enables a person to learn more about themselves no matter how young one is. Although in Philadelphia, 6 and 7-year olds seem to be learning about how delirious parents can be.

With anything involving ones loved one(s), parent participate is the key…Showing support & interest is critical in the positive development of a child. Somehow though I don’t think waving a gun around in protest over your son not getting enough playing time constitutes as one of them. I mean, I don’t know…I not a child or family psychologist, but that’s just a guess? I fully understand how frustrating it tends to be as Wayne Derkotch sat on his ass and the best move his son made on the afternoon was pick a winner from his nose. Tired of listening to his son bitch and complain week after week about how he doesn’t play. Hey Wayne, did you ever think your kid isn’t cut out for football? Although he can pick one hell of a booger out on the sidelines!

You got to love parents when it comes to athletics…Why is it they seem to take it more serious than the kids do? What, does Vegas put these games on the board? Was there some kind of "Tackle Spread" for Mr. Derkotch’s kid I didn’t hear about? If there is I’m taking the "UNDER" on that the rest of the season! What, is there a Vince Lombari Trophy at stake here?. I always thought at this level the best award one little snot nose could receive was a "Certificate of Participation for Pee-Wee Football? Let me guess there was a University of Miami scout in the stands to check out your son and you wanted him to feel right at home, right? Although, if you truly wanted to do that, it would’ve been a good idea to fire some shots. See, anybody can hide behind a gun as they wave it, but in Miami they take the child’s safety lock off. Though, seeing as how you were around children, you probably made the right call by not removing the safety lock. No wonder why no shots were fired...I might’ve over looked that? Or was it really even loaded to begin with? Good looking out, Wayne!

I’m just curious as to what kind of message you wanted to send to your son by pulling a gun on his coach…Or you weren’t too concerned about that, were you? I’ll just say, the only time that this may be acceptable is when Bill Romanoski is coaching your son…And I don’t think that that was the case here! Let me guess, the coach started it, right, by not playing your son? Where have I heard this excuse before? Although in this case Derkotch was charged with aggravated assault and other offenses. Perhaps things would’ve been different if this happened in the Orange Bowl instead of Philadelphia. To think we all thought Terrell Owens was the most hated person in the "City of Brotherly Love". All he got were standing ovations of boos, expletives, pill bottles, and whatever else thrown at him. Whoever this coach is, certainly must have had it coming to him then! I feel sorry for Bill Parcells then…Watching Drew Bledsoe wander around on the sidelines in the second half last night, it looked like he had a lot of thoughts going through his head. Hmmmm? All I have to say is…Be Afraid Bill, Be Very Afraid!

Isn’t about time we employ the NFL & NCAA safety regulations to these 6-and 7-year olds games? Upon entrance to the park, your vehicle must be searched for explosives. Patrons must walk through metal detectors…Fanny packs, (or Men’s Purses…Which ever name one prefers) must be rummaged through like airport security. Prohibit patrons from bring his & her own lawnchair, (you don’t like the nice comfortable benches that gives you a flat ass…Don’t come). Absolutely outlaw bringing personal drinks in unlabeled cups into the game…Parents love to get CRUNK UP! I’m probably overlooking some key important stuff here, but that’s where you come in. Do your part in helping to come up with remedies to make 6-and 7-year olds football games safe!

Wayne Derkotch, you set a hell of an example…You must be so proud of yourself! Because of you, not only does your son have to figure out why he’s not playing, but now he has to figure out why pops tried to shoot up the coach and landed in jail. Some lesson you taught there!

Shawn Merriman’s Steroids Excuses That He CAN’T Use
Now that it’s quite apparent that Shawn Merriman is drinking more than protein shakes & pickle juice we await for him to make a statement. May I remind you these are only allegations and we should not jump to any conclusions here…I’m sure Shawn never "knowingly took anything"? Perhaps it was a Vitamin B12 pill given to him by Miguel Tejada? Just one problem…He plays baseball in Baltimore instead of football in San Diego. Perhaps it might be due to the fact that Mr. Merriman has an irregular high amount of testosterone than his body naturally produces as in the case of Floyd Landis?

As we all sit and wait to hear Shawn’s first public comments why he took the juice, (I mean allegedly) we can only imagine of what kind of excuse him and his publicist will cook up? Could it be, "Shawn has 25 million reasons not to take steroids." That may be fine & dandy, but how come Merriman made a comment relatively recently, (within the last six months) that nobody has ever been in the kind of shape he’s in, in the NFL, past or present. You know, I get that same kind of feeling with myself every time I pop a Flintstone vitamin. There’s just something about Fred, and Barney that get me going! Occasionally , when I need that extra boost I sometimes double, even triple my intake…Now I can fully understand what’s going on with Bam-Bam!

So, what kind of "The Dog Ate My Homework" excuse will be conjured up this time? Or will it be another Jason Giambi press conference where he apologizes for who knows what? Perhaps the "Lights" were "Out", and he mistakenly stabbed himself with the wrong needle?

Our job to figure out what he’s sorry for…Yeah, sorry for the fact that he got caught! Before Shawn considers what to say, he might want to check the following excuses. These excuses have already been used…Besides the least he can do is come up with his own to give us some humor as did the morons below:

"The truth of the matter is [blood] can get there certainly from a fraternal twin who has a different genetic identity. … So that's the deal."—Dr. David Housman, who testified on cyclist Tyler Hamilton's behalf, on why tests at the Athens Olympics showed Hamilton had someone else's blood in his body – April 17, 2005


"I was very surprised, because I didn't know I was taking anything on the ban list. … It's my mistake for not knowing what's on the ban list. … [From now on, you] won't even see me eat a PowerBar."—Seattle Mariners minor leaguer Ryan Christianson – April 5, 2005

"I don't take steroids, period. I bought supplements. … I made a mistake trusting the label." —Seattle Mariners minor leaguer Damian Moss, who "would not name the supplements or the manufacturer, saying he didn't want to get any companies in trouble" – April 5, 2005

"I don't want to make a big deal. We went out one night and had some fun and I tested positive. … We went out and partied and had what I thought was a good time."—Chicago Bears safety Damon Moore – Sept. 11, 2002)

"Of course I can't be 100% certain that anybody [spiked my drink] but I can't see any other way. … You can't lock [drinks] away every time you take a vault, so it's possible."—Pole-vaulter Janine Whitlock – July 19, 2002, after testing positive for steroids at the Commonwealth Games

"He really doesn't understand why a test came out this way. He wants to explore that. He clearly has not intentionally taken anything to cause a positive test."—Mitch Frankel, agent for Cleveland Indians pitcher Rafael Betancourt (Cleveland Plain Dealer, July 10, 2005)

"For many years, I've been taking this blood test and I've never had problems. I put it down to female physiology."—Cross-country skier Larissa Lazutina, after a test at the 2002 Winter Olympics revealed abnormal levels of hemoglobin (Washington Post, Feb. 25, 2002)

"Nobody on the planet could say that I don't love my wife and I don't love my kids. … I have never in my life, nor would I ever, do anything to jeopardize their opinion of me. I don't know what has happened and I don't know how it has happened. I promise everybody I'm going to find out."—Shot-putter C.J. Hunter, Sept. 25, 2000, after failing four separate tests for anabolic steroids

"I know I did nothing incorrect. ... I take stuff I buy over the counter. Multivitamins, protein shakes, muscle relaxants. That kind of stuff … I'm surprised because look at what kind of player I am. I'm a leadoff hitter. I never hit any home runs."—Former Devil Rays outfielder Alex Sanchez, April 4, 2005

"[My coach] had given me this pill and I had taken it. He told me it was not a steroid and that it would just keep you 'up' so you wouldn't be so fatigued."—Sprinter Calvin Harrison, after testing positive for the stimulant modafinil (Guardian, Oct. 27, 2003)

"I never intentionally put anything in my body which I thought was illegal. … People think you sit around and stick needles in you, and it's not like that. Seventy percent of the stuff you get at [General Nutrition Center], you test positive for under the policy."—Cleveland Indians minor leaguer Darnell McDonald (Buffalo News, May 23, 2005)

"She was bringing them from Lithuania for my mother-in-law."—Cyclist Raimondas Rumas, July 30, 2002, after his wife was found with EPO and testosterone in the trunk of her car

Bowden Still Cooking, but the Heat is Turned Up on His Goose!
Remember the good ole days when Florida State University didn’t matter…When their football program didn’t even exist. Why? It’s kind of difficult to structure up a football program when the university used to be an all female school. Remember the good ole days when this institution finally changed its ways and finally allowed co-eds on campus…Yes, Tallahassee has never been the same since! When Bobby Bowden came to Tallahassee as a young buck to take over a football program nobody ever heard of. Now, old, wrinkly, and fat…Nobody seems to remember what Bowden has done for not only the football program at Florida State, but also the institution as a whole since arriving.

From a no name football program, to now one that’s considered a powerhouse…Or at least it was. Bowden’s success has become his undoing within Seminole Nation. Ever since their last National Championship in 1999, FSU has had at least three loses yearly. Oh my God, say it ain’t so…That’s totally unacceptable! Why don’t you guys try being a Notre Dame fan…Tell me how you like that! However, what would Seminole Nation be without Bowden…Odds are, it might not even exist. Now because of this mediocre that has surrounded the program since 1999, the dilemma is: "How do you ask a legend to retire?" Okay people, here’s a news flash…Bobby isn’t going to retire! All old people are set in their ways and being 76-years old…He classifies as old! So if you want him gone, somebody needs to grow some onions and give him a choice…Plain & Simple. If you’re going to talk the talk, you’d better walk the walk!

Now of course if Bobby was still winning National Championships all this would be a mood point. Just like last season when Joe Pa pulled a 12-1 season out of his ass. Instead of having a web site dubbed, "Retire CoachBowden.com" asking for his head…The web site would be "BobbyBowdenforGovernor.gov. Since he’s already in the state capital, it would only make sense, right? He could finally be a leader of people his age…Senior citizens in Florida, rather than 18 & 19-year olds which he can’t correlate with any more. I agree Bowden needs to go by the waste side and enjoy the rest of his life away from football…Problem is, football is his life! Better find a new one, gramps! I’m taken back to a few years ago when one of FSU’s star defensive players got kicked out of the game in the first half. Bobby had no clue of it until a sideline reporter asked him about it on the way into the locker room at halftime.

So Bobby has lost his football sense, while this will frustrate the hell out of Seminole Boosters…Like it or not Bobby isn’t going to be forced out. Besides putting the football program of the map, he’s also put the entire university on the map. With being the face of Florida State University, Bobby Bowden brings financial gains like nobody else can at that school. And if boosters or Seminole fans thinks the school is going to let this go, well it just proves once again…You guys aren’t too smart! Bobby Bowden is a legend…A legend is a money maker. Florida State University has both…Sure, everybody on the Tallahassee campus would love to do better on the gridiron, but as long as Bobby’s making that bread in the bakery…The bakery won’t be closing anytime soon. In case Florida State fans don’t realize…It’s a business decision! Like it or not, there’s a bigger institution on the campus of Florida State University in Tallahassee, Florida…His name is Bobby Bowden!

Major League Baseball Reaching the "Die-Hards"!
Life after death…Lets face it folks, we’re going to experience this at some point. Now, some will sooner than others, but we’ll eventually over a period of time we’ll all meet up again some day? Unfortunately, (which in this case is a very good thing indeed) as sports fans, we have no clue what lies ahead in the after life. Sure, the lucky ones which will see the pearly white gates may brush shoulders with legends such as Ted Williams, (with his head) Mickey Mantle, Lou Gerig….The list can go on and on. While all sports fans down here all love their various sports teams, when it’s time for us to go, they stay…DAMN IT!

Well, finally somebody has recognized this and is about to do something about it…HALLELUJAH! Now we can have the best of both worlds…Well, sort of.
Major League Baseball has taken this to an entirely different level and is currently rewriting the meaning of Rest in Peace by the deceased. In the latest marketing ploy, MLB will be putting team logos on urns and caskets…Yes, that’s correct…Urns & Caskets! Is there any better way to celebrate Grandpa Earl’s life than to slap a Seattle Mariners logo on his urn? Grama Ruthie’s sure did like her St. Louis Cardinals…To honor that let’s slap on the Cardinal’s logo to her casket. Why this sounds like a brilliant idea! What a nice touch, however I have a question. When did The Undertaker & The Grim Reaper sign on as marketing consultants for Bud Selig?

See, I can understand the urn idea…Why that makes perfectly good sense. Everytime the Mariners are on television, somebody can take Grandpa Earl off his mantle for a few hours and put him right in front of the boob tube. Still showing off the Mariner pride life after death. In addition, what a great conversationalpiece this would make to any home, up on a mantle…Hey, Mickey, reserve yours today bud! I heard they’re making limited production in the Yankees…Both in urns and caskets! Just some inside information. What an ingenious idea…And we thought deciding who was to have home-field advantage in the World Series through the All-Star game was an off the wall idea.

I’m still a little bit confused & perplexed about these logo covered caskets? Normally, we, (us who are living currently) like to show off the team that we root for in a variety of ways. Okay, so having said that…Who’s going to see a logo covered casket six feet under ground? There has to be a catch with this? Does it come with a LCD 40-inch television too? So the deceased can rest comfortably, while enjoying watching Lou Pinnella lose his mind as the Cubs manager?

Since Halloween is coming up pretty quick here, it’s probably too late for die-hard fans of this holiday to reserve theirs commemorating this day. It looks like Major League Baseball might have stumbled upon a whole new market…Why hasn’t all other professional sports leagues reached out to the dead? Should people stop by once in a while to your respective plot to pay respects…Always leave flowers & what not while sporting a Chicago Cubs shirt that the sole six feet under, in a dark, locked, air tight box can’t get to, who always becomes jealous. Well now, thanks to Major League Baseball, that jealously will be no more!

While Bud Selig & MLB have stumbled upon a trendy thing that is sure to catch on, like a UFC Championship bout is sure to break out in the Orange Bowl…Look for the NFL, NBA, NCAA, NHL, & NASCAR to jump on board this bandwagon…Where it stops, six feet under! I can’t wait to see what’s next? Although, I must warn the New Jersey Devils fans…DO THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK! To Notre Dame fans, university officials are currently in the process of talking with the man upstairs to see if this is indeedpermissable ? LastRowSports.com will get back to readers on that as soon as we get word!

Thanks to Major League Baseball, the tag "Fans for Life" has a whole new meaning!

Dear Donna,
A big time Thank You must go out to the University of Miami’s President Donna Shalala for showing the nation exactly what the university really represents once again…A lack of control! Most of times before any type of president speaks to the public, he or she might want to do their homework and research on what they’ll be speaking of in front of a podium…It’s good to know that you didn’t do this. Rumor has it that you haven’t watched the tape of the brawl. And they want to fire Larry Coker. LastRowSports is working to try and find out if Donna indeed lives in a cave down there? Not watch the tape, are you serious…Excuse me for saying this, but that’s like saying on 9/11 there wasn’t enough news coverage. Besides, what are you getting paid for then, isn’t that your job? What would happen if Larry Coker didn’t watch game film? Isn’t this along the same lines?

I hope that’s the reason why you think a one game suspension handed down by the ACC is good enough. So a couple players are going to miss the game against Duke…That’s not a suspension, that’s a privilege! When most of the high school teams in Miami-Dade county can beat Duke, I don’t know maybe it’s me, but I fail to see where the punishment lies? "This university will be firm and punish people who do bad things," Shalala said. "But we will not throw any student under the bus for instant restoration of our image or our reputation. I will not hang them in a public square. I will not eliminate their participation at the university. I will not take away their scholarships." Will it punish their president too, for the simple fact that she has no God damn clue what she’s talking about?

First of all you won’t throw anybody under the bus, but it’s okay for your football players to go Albert Haynesworth on people’s asses…And I think Fat Albert got more than one game for that. Now you want to talk about instant restoration of the program…Yeah, that will happen when monkeys fly out of my ass. It’s been the same ole Miami for twenty or so years…Some shit just doesn’t change! And this is one of them! Do you actually believe all the hot air you’re blowing? Why won’t you take away any scholarships? Are you afraid big, bad Lamar Thomas will hunt you down since he has a lot of spare time on his hands now? Correct me if I’m wrong, but remember when Marcus Vick did his best Haynesworth impression, before Albert…What did Virginia Tech do? Oh, that’s right…He got kicked off the team! And who made that call…That’s right, the school’s president! If the University of Miami wanted a puppet for a president, at least they could’ve gotten a better one…Miss Piggy, where you at?

You know that school that the country never heard of until Saturday, FIU as they call themselves…Yeah, them. The little football team on the other side of the city…The one that wanted to compete with the big boys and learn from. Well, indeed they learned something…Why is it that their institution is taking a bigger stand in the cluster **** than you Donna? They don’t seem to have any problems "throwing people under the bus". No problems "eliminating their participation at their university and taking scholarships away".

Although now we’re supposed to believe Miami officials have enacted a new rule that any athlete who fights will be dismissed from that team, a "new standard ... zero tolerance" policy. Would all the "zero tolerance" bull shit just stop! Nobody knows what it means! Plus, trust me, apply this down there…It’s just a ploy, a PR stunt! If Donna hasn’t even watched the brawl, she’s going to impose this now…You have a better chance of Lamar Thomas getting rehired down there! What, is this what Miami calls taking a firm stand and telling the nation it’s going to be different? When we all no there’s no clear definition of this…Just how Miami wants it…So nobody can come back at them and say, "That broke the zero tolerance policy". Although in this case I think it would mean two games. I’m just wondering, does this new "zero tolerance" policy come with more loop holes than 50 Cent has bullet holes? I book on it…Miami wouldn’t have it any other way!

Hey Donna, ever heard the policy "Everybody’s held accountable for their own actions?" How do you get off saying, "12 one-game suspensions, one indefinite suspension (safety Anthony Reddick) and orders that all players involved in Saturday night's brawl with Florida International do community service, is sufficient punishment," Shalala said. Those wrist slaps must hurt! And we thought President Bush was a moron! "It's time for the feeding frenzy to stop," Shalala said. "These young men made a stupid, terrible, horrible mistake and they are being punished." One game…A punishment that was handed down by the ACC…Nothing was handed down by the university itself, except for a couple lame ass apologies. Although, FIU did start it, so I guess the punishment fit the crime?

Oh, so you did punish your players, Donna…Made them apologize, did you? Did you also write their apologies on 3 x 5 index cards? Or did the tutors do that for them too? Cause when I watched these players apologize I saw that they were reading from something…Perhaps you wrote the speech for them? How is it that one has to write down his apology speech? What, they’re too dumb to remember what they are sorry for? No, it’s just, they aren’t sorry at all! Only thing they’re sorry for is they got caught…By the ACC I might add!
Reddick, who charged across the field, helmet raised over his head, and slammed it into an opposing player during the melee, apologized Tuesday. "The person everybody saw last Saturday is truly not me and it wasn't a good reflection of my character. I can only promise you will never see this behavior again. "I understand what I did was wrong and reckless. I accept the penalty that was given to me. I humbly apologize for my actions," he said. While this may be true…That’s funny, the fact remains this is the character of the University of Miami, regardless of what anybody thinks. Remember when the Hurricanes got off their airplane twenty years ago dressed in G.I. Joe gear. Is there any other program in the nation that would do this, um, no!

The fact remains regardless of whatever you do (or don’t do) in your case Donna is down right dishonorable as a university president! You had a chance to take a stand, to finally put your foot down and say "Enough is Enough!" To finally have an opportunity to change the face…Instead, you do a Jay-Z and brush it off your shoulders and throw it in Larry Coker’s lap because you’re too gutless to deal with it. Gee, no wonder why there’s a problem in the first place…It’s staring right back at you in the mirror! While Larry Coker’s in charge of his team…Here’s a little FYI: You’re in charge of the entire university! By having a passive President such as yourself, scared shitless to do what’s right, you just throw a couple more logs on to the fire…Which, I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not….It has already burned out of control way to long! So nice to see Donna has decided to keep letting it burn…Guess there’s big time lack of water issue down in Coral Gables?!

Tyson to Fight Chicks, Only This Time in the Ring
Is there anything better than a good ole fashion chick fight? Remember back in the day when we all used to go running across campus to see two chicks duke it out…Nothing better than to see claws flying and hair being ripped out. If that doesn’t get somebody fired up to go to their fifth period Biology class, what will, right? These are the same thoughts going through the head of Mike Tyson…Shouldn’t Tyson’s head be the one to be dissected instead of the harmless little frog? What did Froggie ever do?

It has been well documented that Tyson likes to beat up woman outside the ring. Hey, I know that was a low blow, but I delivered it better than Tyson has in years. So I have no heart…I have no problem admitting that, because instead of eating Lennox Lewis’s heart, he got to mine first! As Tyson kicks off his world tour…Whatever the hell that means? Since when did Iron Mike become a musician…I was completely unaware of this? Oh, that’s right…On the Jimmy Kimmel show. To help spice up the "World Tour" as it’s dubbed, what better way to do so than to take on boxers…Only this time of the female variety. Makes sense, right? After all they’re about the only ones that he can beat down anymore. Ingenious marketing idea there Mike! This way the beaten of women can be rightfully justified, right? It will never be your fault again for beating up chicks…Because they step into the ring with you, right? Once they step between the ropes it’s "No Holds Barred". This idea is as good as that lame ass movie!

Although seeing as how this is one of your favorite things to do and you can still do it like no other…I’d like to said good luck and can your life even get sorrier from here. My guess is yes, because every time we say that you seem to out done yourself yet again! Can’t wait to hear of your next career move, but until then I seem to be having trouble with the opposite sex too. Although, I do have a mighty fine suggestion…I don’t know why, but I think your services would be better appreciated if could somehow be a part of the University of Miami football program. Seems there players can use a little knowledge on fighting…And who better to do it than you! Hey, if they don’t make it in the NFL, they could possible end up on "The Contender", thanks to you! You would be a welcome additional down there…A perfect fix!

I was wondering if Iron Mike can beat the shit out of chicks, why can’t I? Screw that unwriiten rule that states "A Man Should Never Hit a Woman"! They didn’t come out with the song "Smack My Bitch Up" for nothing! I just need some expert advice from Mike as to who I should take to the ring first? Who Mike? Who?

The old battle ax that cut me off today

The old hag at the gym who’s always on the machine I want to use for 10 minutes, not using it properly

The women that can’t control her kids in Wal-Mart

The woman golfer that kicks my ass every time at the local club

The bitch in front of me standing in line at McDonalds who can’t decide what she wants

The bitch who takes her little rat she calls a dog to the local mall in a baby stroller

Sales bitches who don’t leave you alone while at Macy’s

Any women who uses the rear view mirror as a makeup mirror

Any woman who says "Can I Help You Sir"?...If I wanted your help, I'd beat it out of you, in the ring of course!

John L. Smith is Smiling at The Cards
The blueprint was written in September and last night the Arizona Cardinals followed to perfection. Ironically, the happiest person in the country on this day doesn’t have anything to do with the Chaicagoland area. Instead he resides across Lake Michigan, in East Lansing. Those slaps we all hear are indeed John L. Smith…You’ll have to excuse him for being slap happy, he has good reason to. All the criticism he & his Spartans received as they choked the game away to Notre Dame has flown the coop, and has taken a trip South & West…Smart bird!

I guess that’s why they play the game? Now I’m not going to sit here and write another piece on what went wrong for the Cardinals, because we all saw it first hand, (well, at least those of us who don’t have to get up early and report to work) I’d just like to compare these two insane games that have taken place in about a month’s span. For the Cardinals & Spartans, yes the feeling is the same…How can it go oh so right three quarters, only to end up losing the game? That’s a question with no explanations. However, in Michigan State’s defense, (if you can call it such) the Irish offense did put points on the board before making that ridiculous comeback. They did show at times the at least had they ability to strike…Last night with the Bears, I don’t call six turnovers by your quarterback striking any fear in the defense at all.

In both of these instances though it was the defensives making big plays at key moments. The difference was in East Lansing, Notre Dame was the benefactors of Spartans miscues…Everybody knows that defense can’t come up with big plays in key situations. The Bears on the other hand in the fourth quarter showed the country why they’re the best defense in the league by forcing the turnovers and forcing the Cards to make the mistakes. Big difference in the two. It’s like the difference between poor people & people who work for a living…Notre Dame was the poor person on the corner holding that sign looking for free hand outs and gladly accepting them, while the Bears last night had to make the own money.

So who does the blame fall on…Well, first & foremost the coach(es), however the players have a responsibility to play 60 minutes for the coaches, something the Bears & Irish did…And something the Spartans & Cardinals didn’t do! Having said that coach(es) also have the responsibility to trust their players & not get conservative in the second half. Here’s a thought, that shit you were doing in the first half, (in both games) yeah, before changing your approach, why not just continue to do that until the defenses stops it. Although the Bears did finally figure it out…Instead of having Rex Grossman touch the ball, they just took scoring the points into their own hands.

What’s the worst lost then? Good question. If somebody held a gun to my head and forced me to choose, I’d would say the Cardinals choking the way they did last night. The Bears offense scored zero, count’em, zero points and still won. That had never happened in any football game, on any level! Zero points, and six turnovers by Sexy Rexy, but the Bears are 6-0…That makes Michigan State’s gag fest look like child’s play! Speaking of gag, what happened to Neil Rackers? Would the real Neil please stand up! Two weeks in a row this guy takes the pipe on a last second kick. From the best kicker in the league last year…To "You’re Fired?" Or is that the offensive coordinator? Now sure, everybody’s going to point the finger at him, but hey, if you don’t have confidence in your kicker, don’t let it come down to that. By the way, in case nobody noticed, the game shouldn’t have come down to a last second kick…Only if that offensive coordinator have more confidence in Matt Leinart to finish the game the way he started it! Perhaps he currently wouldn’t be calling FIU looking for a job? Or I hear Miami is looking for a new radio broadcast announcer.

For the two losers in this very similar type of game…Well, just look at Michigan State, Notre Dame took a big ole shit on them and flushed it down the toilet, so we know what kind of effect this can have on a team. It doesn’t matter if one is dealing with college kids or paid professionals…Losing in this fashion is crushing, the Spartans are already looking to 2007. Was last night just another episode of the "Cards being the Cards"…For a franchise known for its futility, last night was supposed to be their night to show the nation that these aren’t your father’s Cards…To show off their eighth wonder of the world stadium against the best team in the league. For three quarters, it was as though we were watching a dream, saying, "Is this really happening"? How quickly that dream then turned into & became the team’s worst nightmare. While the Cardinals finally found their quarterback of the future, this is just the 2006 edition of your father’s Cardinals. Although in the loss last night, the Cardinals did manage to gain one new, huge, fan…John L. Smith! He’s was so thrilled with the outcome…Following his blueprint to the T & perhaps even better?

A Lack of Institutional Control at "The U" is to Blame!
Okay, so this past Saturday what was supposed to be a college football game down in the Orange Bowl between Florida International & Miami quickly turned and better resembled an XFL game…Somewhere Vince McMahon is smiling. One thing that was noticeably missing though were the strippers turned cheerleaders on the sidelines. If we really think long and hard about this, I know it’s after that fact, but in all honesty was it a good idea in the first place that these schools even played?

On one side of the field you find athletes that are good enough THUGS to play at The U…On the opposite one finds athletes who just aren’t qualified enough in the THUG LIFE to represent The U. Let’s put it this way, if a dude gets dumped by a chickenhead for somebody else…When this love triangle comes face to face, some shit is going to go down. Now all we hear is just another reason Larry Coker should be fired. For what? For this? This is just another excuse!! While I tend to like to watch football when a football game is supposed to be going on and don’t condone what happened, Coker will receive blame for this even though he couldn’t have possibly prevented it. Here’s a secret, that just goes to show the entire country what Miami Football was, is, and will always be…TRUE THUGS! Fire Coker over lack of wins & losses, but to say he has lost total control down…Hey, this just in, nobody has ever had or ever will have control with that program! Nobody has, and nobody will and this holds true for anywhere! Why? Because it’s former Canes players such as Lamar Thomas who represents what the Miami football program stand for…The Thuggish Ruggish!

It’s just like in this entire Terrell Owens soap opera. It doesn’t matter which team he plays for…Doesn’t matter the coach in charge. All it boils down to is T.O. being T.O.. Same thing applies to the thugs who suit up for the Canes every year. Nobody can change it…Just like nobody will change T.O. Surprisingly Woody Paige made a good point on Cold Pizza this morning about this…Stating he would end the University of Miami’s Football program for a while, just as the school did with their basketball program. Of course we know that this will never happen, but it might be the only way to clean this program up…If that’s even possible?

Isn’t it funny that people want to point the blame at Coker for this too…Although we should expect nothing less though. Although when the "Malace at The Palace" occurred and Ron Artest & Stephen Jackson went up into the stands, did anybody point the finger at Rick Carlisle? No? All that was basically said throughout the entire ordeal was, "Well, what should we expect…It’s Ron Artest." Not one time did we hear Carlisle’s name mentioned! So why is it different here in this case?

The fact of the matter is, yes, coaches do have the ability to control virtually everything within a given team, but there’s a point especially when dealing with gangsters, that the words you preach go in one ear & out the other. Now yes, this will go on Coker’s coaching resume, since it did happen on his watch…However, there’s not one coach in America that can change the entire persona of the University of Miami’s football program! Because it’s individuals, such as Lamar Thomas, former Cane players who are running the sidelines down there. Coker’s in a no win situation! And if things couldn’t get any worse, the University of Miami employees Lamar Thomas to do what he does and to say what he says! Before the University of Miami starts pointing more fingers at Coker, they best check themselves…Because it’s you guys who are failing in the development of youth, but who cares, right? It’s all about them Waterford Crystal footballs, right? For being a "supposedly", (and I use that term loosely) a higher academic institution of learning…You cats are indeed failing mis