Will Bears Create Quarterback Shuffle in Free Agency?

Okay, now that the geek driven four-day event what’s known as the NFL combine is over, teams can begin to put their entire focus on formulating its 2007 roster, whether it’d be through the draft or free agency…Woo Hoo. The baby steps have begun…Some teams have decided to give a player the ‘franchise tag” and for all intense purposes take the easy way out in giving them a new deal. Others have announced to the rest of the league that certain players are up for trade, but don’t be mislead…It’s not coming as bargain prices. While a handfull of players who may or may not have been monumental in a teams success last season looks to be on their way to other cities and dawning new threads for the 2007 season.

Then we come to the Chicago Bears. So they made Super Bowl XLI…Last time I checked, nobody remembers who comes in second. Since playing in that game a little over three weeks ago, well, if the Bears didn’t have question marks going into that game, they sure as hell do now! Ron Riveria was shown the door, but had no trouble landing on his feet in San Diego. Lovie Smith, besides guiding the Bears to their first Super Bowl appearance in 21-years, seems to have one foot out the door as well over a bitch slap in the face…Or what’s referred to the Bears and is looked by them to be a fair, market value contract offer. Now for the big question mark for the Bears in 2007…It’s the same question Bear fans had on a weekly basis this past season. Rex Grossman!

I know Lovie, as Rex as your quarterback you managed to loose the Super Bowl…Although, perhaps you haven’t heard, “Two is not a winner”! In fact not only did he loose the Super Bowl, the finger can be pointed at his play for the three regular season losses the team accumulated. If we actually think about it, Super Bowl XLI summed up his entire sorry ass season…As he couldn’t seem to get out of his own way the entire evening, again summing up his season to the “T” It looked like he was being intimidated by everyone, everything, including the rain drops that fell, and the field monster that seemed to be giving him problems as well! Now I can say this, because I had the pleasure, (well, I think it was a pleasure) of being front and center and to witness, without a doubt the worst QB performance in Super Bowl history. Now the question that I have and it’s a fair one…I don’t believe Grossman will ever recover from that game. It’s just like Phil Mickelson and the U.S. Open last June…Has lefty recovered from that, um no! Will he ever…No, not completely. However, in Lefty’s case, his inconsistent play only affects him and only him….For he doesn’t have to be a piece to the puzzle. He is the piece! Won’t see blunders affecting a carton of eggs because he doesn’t have to fit into a carton of eggs…For he’s the chicken that laid them.

See in Grossman, first off he’s isn’t the most confident signal caller…Sure, he’ll tell you that, but Chad Johnson also said he was going to beat up Ray Lewis too. The reality is, Rex has maxe out…He will never see another successful year like he just had, (wait, does that make any sense what so ever? Is “successful” the correct word to use?). Everything will be a downward tailspin! As a starting quarterback reaching another Super Bowl, there’s a better chance of hell freezing over than that happening…I’ll bet my brand new house on that, just hope to God lightning doesn’t strike twice! As we all saw this past season, a rotten egg in a carton…Well, that combination can’t and won’t get it done! Ever! Problem is the Sexy One, sad to say, but that’s the best the Bears have to offer out of their Moe, Larry, and Curly, (or is it Shemp or Joe)…What can also be referred as “Bad, Badder, & Baddest”! Yes indeed, the quarterback situation in Chi-Town is certainly not a “Sexy One”, (no pun intended)…Grossman, Griese, & Orton, sounds like a damn good firm instead! Unfortunately, of this trio…It’s without a doubt the worst quarterback trio in the league today…I’d even go as far to say, it’s one of the worst quarterback trio’s in NFL history! However, here’s what I want to know. I wonder what kind of ring that firm would have if it was Garica, Grossman, & Greise? Hey, it’s the Three G’s! Perhaps Carr, Grossman, & Orton…Grossman, Griese, Schaub?

One would like to assume with these names out possibly being out there…The Bears might like to go after one! Unfortuately, everybody knows that this is wishful thinking on my part, but why? Oh yeah, I almost forgot…The Bears are too freaking cheap to pay a GOOD quarterback, who might actually have the abilities to help, rather than hurt the team! Hey Chicago, here’s some inside information…The Rex Grossman Number Eight ship that you road this past year all the way to South Florida, well guess what? That ship sunk! It will forever lie somewhere beneath the grass at Dolphins Stadium! It’s never comes back…Well hopefully!

With so many possible viable candidates to be the new skipper on the 2007 Chicago Bears ship, why not seriously consider one of these options? I mean, what’s there to lose? Another Super Bowl?

NFL Ponders Implementing Baseball’s Three Strike Policy

How can strikes in a Major League Baseball game somehow be applied to the gridiron of National Football League? Then can the NFL’s “K Balls” somehow be applied to the pitchers mound throughout Major League Baseball? The odds of these things happening, well, lets just say we would have a better chance of A-Rod & Jeter going out for a nice quiet dinner alone so they can kiss and make up. As crazy as all this silliness might sound, truth be told one of these notions isn’t out of the realm of possibilities. The question would be why, for we all would know why…The issue would be how to implement it.

With all the off the field incidents that has received negative publicity compliments of their so responsible employees for the past two seasons, the most dominant sports league in this country, the NFL has drawn a black eye from all this. Thus causes the league to scratch their melons in hopes of coming up with a solution to their eye sore. Now that’s just awesome….One of the biggest sports league in the world, if not the biggest has to treat their players like they are in kindergarten and try to figure out a “Timeout Plan” for multi-million dollar children…That’s swell! What, is the “Go sit in the corner method” not working? Apparently not!

So in an effort to try and redeem control in a league that for all intensive purposes looks like it doesn’t have any, surprisingly the NFL is contemplating installing their own version of MLB’s “Three Strike & Your Out “ steroid policy. Perhaps Gene Upshaw and his brass of league execs. should be consulting with Jose Canseco…If it wasn’t for him whistle blowing, baseball wouldn’t have it in the first place. Now this is a damn good idea for the NFL to consider…Only problem what would constitutes a strike? In the landscape of baseball, this kind of policy is cut and dried, it’s well done in black & white…With no gray areas. Simply put… 50 games for a first-time steroid user who tests positive, 100 games for a second-time user and a lifetime ban from baseball for anybody dumb enough to be caught a third time. You go Bud Selig…Only took Canseco lighting a fire under your ass to come up with this! I guess it’s better late than never, right?

Although Roger Goodell would rather have Smokey the Bear put that fire out that he currently finds himself sitting on. I don’t know if you would call this a proactive approach, but Goodell and his peeps should be commended somewhat for wanted to nip this in the bud…For not wanting this to continue. However, would a similar policy as the “Three Strikes” work when implementing it as really “A Good Behavior Checklist”? That’s the big question…Well, given the fact that “Behavior Policies” work so well amongst school aged children, I say, why not? All the NFL must do is just make sure they have enough smiley faces, stars, and my personal favorite, scratch & sniff stickers to go around. Although, be careful when it comes to those…Various players might begin sniffing those mistakenly thinking they’re something else! And for the players who behave extra special, they just might have the opportunity to pass out snacks for “Snack Time”…It should be noted only the professional can hand out the graham crackers! It takes a talented person to break them on the lines!

What would be deemed a strike under this policy if the NFL decided to follow in MLB footsteps? In relating this form of policy to steroids in baseball, all that’s needed to receive a strike next to your name is a positive steroids test result…Just hopefully nobody contaminated it, isn’t that right Floyd Landis. Okay, so if an NFL player gets charged with rape…I would say that would be a strike against him. Although what if he’s only accused of rape like Kobe Bryant only to have the charges later dropped…What is that considered then? Remember Ray Lewis and that whole murder thingy, which he was found to be in the wrong place at the wrong time…Would that count as a strike? Would a DUI be considered a strike? I can go on and on. Here’s one…How many strikes would Michael Irvin have against him then? Ricky Williams? O.J. Simpson? Tank Johnson?

Unfortunately, unlike their colleagues in Major League Baseball, the NFL has no way of being proactive in trying to solve these little problems with a select few of its athletes trying to give the league a “thugish” perception…At times giving it the University of Miami label. For the most part the NFL athlete is the most highly thought of professional athlete around…Just too bad a few, out of control knuckleheads who never graduated from kindergarten and for whatever reason tends to put themselves in unfavorable situations, is becoming the face of the league. See there David Stern, your league isn’t so bad after all!

While the NFL realizes it has a public relations nightmare on its hands they’re trying to take the necessary measures to uphold the integrity of its league to shed their black eye. While the “Three Strike” rule may be difficult to implement, in their case due to the various language that can be involved and the interruption of it, they seem to be heading in the right direction with it…Now just stay the course! For once again we see why the National Football is the biggest & best league in this country…For they don’t just sit on their asses & twiddle their thumbs!

A Glorious Event…Or What’s Known as the NFL Combine

It was a weekend filled with pinching, poking, and probing…Aw yes, the three greatest “P” words ever. Something I always look forward to annually in late February…It tends to help my “Lack of Pigskin Depression” subside a little. Besides it also tends to help out the citizens who call Indianapolis home…Now that, that right in itself is something to be depressed about! The thing is, what makes us snap out of these types of depressions? Sad to say none other than half naked men in spandex shorts with numbers posted on them as if they were entering a gay beauty pageant. Beauty pageant yes…Better known as the NFL Combine. A gay one, well, John Amaechi might be better fit to answer that…I know that was a low blow! Isn’t that right Tim Hardaway?

What was once simply a camp that began in 1982 when National Football Scouting, Inc. first conducted a camp for its member NFL clubs in Tampa, Florida, has now turned into one of the ridiculous, over glorified events ever. Although the same can be said about NASCAR, so whatever that means? Although, what does it mean when that old bag Al Davis with his stopwatch in the stands at the RCA Dome trying to time potential draftees 3-cone times?
What does it mean when peeps are breaking down how fluid Leon Hall's hips are…Or how some crews may be gushing over how sculpted Adrian Peterson and Golden Boy Brady Quinn look without their shirts on. The Chippendales don’t have anything on these two guys! However, why are we supposedly wanting to see this? If it wasn’t bad enough already that these guys are going to be shitting Bens out of their ass, now we must see their entire physique getting poked and probed by everybody and their mother.

Is it just me, but somehow I fail to see what this four day event proves. Who cares how fast a guy can run in spandex without a helmet on and pads…Can he jump over hurdles too? If he can, he needs to be drafted number one then! Can he do all this and still chew gum? If so, he needs to get at least a 6-million dollar signing bonus! What’s with the forty times anyway? Will this somehow tell us the ability one has of catching the football as a receiver or a back when a heat-seeking missile is bearing down on them? Hey, this just in…Football players are strong SOB’s! So then what the hell is it suppose to prove when we all know some guys can bench 225 more than others…Thanks for that news flash! Why does it matter how fast an offensive lineman runs? Is it not their job to protect the quarterback from getting his head torn off and clear holes for running backs? As long as those two things get done, well, you’re okay in my book big guy! Last time I check, they aren’t receiving handoffs or catching 10 to 15 yard outs! However, I should make it known that I’ve never lifted 225 or ran a forty time…Can’t jump over hurdles, but yes indeed, I can chew gum and push myself in my wheelchair. So I wonder what kind of bonus that calls for?

So this NFL Combine is supposed to be a make or break event, huh? Well, at least that’s what the media wants us to believe. Every tenth of a second matters when one’s running in a straight line. Every 225 bench press rep matters when one is lying down on a bench. The 3-cone drill matters, right? Every correct question one gets what on the Wonderlic Test matters oh so much…Yeah, Vince Young proved that to hold any kind of worth while meaning! You know other people that have proven this to matter too, um, Jeff George and Tony Mandarich! See, what they have proven is that this entire NFL Combine thingy is a farce and artificial, just like their sorry ass careers! Some look for a sure thing when these four days are over…Here’s a hint, there’s only one and actually everybody knew this back in September that Calvin Johnson was the real deal. Not be the fastest…And no, it’s not because he had a sick vertical jump this week…Simply put, he’s a freak of nature! I just hope he received a good Wonderlic score?

Really, what’s the purpose of this pinching, poking, and probing event anyway? All the combine does is allow more questions to be raised than answers to be given. Is JaMarcus Russell a better quarterback than Brady Quinn? Well define better? Better arm strength? Yes. Better mobility? Yes. Better leader? No. Better upside? Potentially, perhaps? Better understanding of a NFL system? No. Ted Ginn Jr .& Calvin Johnson…Ginn’s faster, so….A rabbit is faster than a turtle too! What does that prove? As much as the BCS saying Florida’s the best football team in the country! Or how I like to refer to it…JACK! Is it me, but am I the only one who finds the event sick and demented? I find the following statement about the glorious event down right amusing:


“This February, over three hundred of the very best college football players will be invited to participate in the NFL Scouting Combine (National Invitational Camp) in Indianapolis, Indiana. Top Executives, Coaching Staffs, Player Personnel Departments and Medical Personnel from all 32 NFL teams will be on hand to evaluate the nation's top college football players eligible for the upcoming NFL Draft. This intense, four-day job interview is an exciting time for the athletes and a vital step in achieving their dreams of playing in the NFL.” – NFLCombine.net Home Page.

Isn’t that Jim dandy! Perhaps some of these Top Executives, Coaching Staffs, Player Personnel Departments and Medical Personnel from all 32 NFL teams can explain in some how this all relates to the important aspects of football? I would really love to hear that explanation! Intense huh…Four days of seeing guys run in spandex shorts and shirts that make them look like contestants from the early rounds of American Idol. Yes indeed, now that…That’s intense, yes indeed! Will Simon be on hand to pinch, poke, and probe in evaluating the nation's top college football players? After all, the combine is really just a sports glorified episode of American Idol! Has life actually become this pathetic? Or am I just a NFL Combine Reject? Simon, please tell me!

Where’s The Love for Lovie?

How do you reward a man who has restored what an NFL franchise stands for? A coach who led a team to their second Super Bowl appearance ever…First time in 21 years? How about low-balling him. Does that sound like a good answer? And then once you’re done low balling him the first time around, well, since it was some much fun, why not do it again, and again, and again? If you do it continuously you would then be considered an official member of the Chicago Bears management team…”Tweedle D & Tweedle Dumb”! Although this is something the Bears have been known for throughout their history…Low-Balling is what Lake Forest, Illinois, has been known for ever since I can remember and I’ve been a Bears fan for 22 years now.

First time making a Super Bowl in 21 years for some unknown reason Lovie Smith can’t seem to get any love when it comes to being paid. What, is it because he lost and for the most part got out coached by friend Tony Dungy? Likely not…It’s sad to say, but even if the Bears wound up beating the Colts, the contract standstill between the two parties for all intensive purposes would still be at this same “stalemate” as Smith’s agent Frank Bauer tells Chris Mortensen. "We're not close, we're not encouraged and based on where talks have gone recently, Lovie will be a free agent after next season," Bauer said on Wednesday night. Awesome! Has Michael McCaskey re-entered Halas Hall? It’s because of him that past Bear teams didn’t go on to play & win more Super Bowls. Now twenty plus years later we’re at it again! Fantastic! Gee, I wonder why this team has to hire wannabe head coaches of the likes of a Dave Wannstedt and a Dick Jauron…Yeah, a couple of beauties and winners there! Could it be the minimum pay? Now, why would I ever think that?

You finally find yourself with a head man in Lovie who seems to have a pretty good grasp of things…And now onne again Chicago is showing the nation that they have a water tight ass just like a frog. So Smith turns around this franchise that had been struggling for years and the reward for doing so will be to remain No. 32 on the paylist at $1.45 million in '07. Coaches that have taken their teams to the Super Bowl, even in a losing effort, are making at least $5 million per year, i.e. Carolina's John Fox. Hell, Bobby Petrino, somebody’s who’s unproven in the NFL…Somebody who I think is going to fall flat on his face and quickly find out that he’s not in Conference USA or the Big East anymore, somehow landed a five-year, $24 million contact. How does that work? Chances are, he won’t even be around the full five years of the deal anyway! The Ravens just signed Brian Billick to a four-year extension, which is valued at $28.5 million over the next five years. Hell, Lovie needs to go Latrell Spreewell on the Bears…He needs to inform them that “he needs to feed his family!”

"It would take an unforseen breakthrough for this to get done," Bauer said. "And we are being more than reasonable in this market." I’m sure you guys are being more then reasonable Frank…It’s just, this is how the Bears have always operated! Tighter than a 10-year old virgin, (it’s a figure of speech people)! Or perhaps I’m missing the bigger picture here? Just maybe the Bears are looking to sign Bill Cowher after next season…Sure they are! And I’m going to marry and impregnate a Playboy Playmate! Sorry to say, but there’s a better chance of Rex Grossman becoming MVP of the league than either one of those things happening! Speaking of number eight, I can fully understand why the Bears don’t want to shell out a new contract to him…Why the only thing that he’s proven is he does a damn good job of losing games! Is there anyone better, besides maybe Aaron Brooks? However, Lovie has proven through his tenure in Chicago what kind of coach he is…Just too bad the organization as a whole insists on showing the sports world once again exactly how cheap they are! Gee, I wonder why they only seem to make cameos at the Super Bowl every twenty years or so!

Wade Seems to Have a Lack of Pain Tolerance!

That crashing to the ground sound that you hear, don’t be alarmed…It’s just Dwayne Wade hitting the deck again. This cat is always hitting the deck, but it would appear in this instance his tumble has taken the playoff hopes of the Miami Heat and the possibility of repeating as champions with him. Well, at least in the clips that we’ve seen would lead one to assume that. I wonder what Pat Riley must be thinking at this point? We all know the real reason why he decided to come back after a brief hiatus was simply to try save the day again just as he did last year by stabbing Stan Van Gundy in the back! We all know that the only thing that drives this man is his ego…Sorry to inform you Coach Egotistical David Stern can help you out this year brother! You might have Shaq, but hey guess what…Last time I checked the big fat ass hasn’t carried a team on his back to achieve greatest! So with that said…Coach E, welcome back!

Look, I’m not one to rip Wade or question his latest injury…I feel everybody should play all athletics like he does. With reckless abandoned! There’s far too many players in professional sports who take possessions off along with taking games off periodically…This is something D-Wade doesn’t know the meaning of. Just as his commercial indicates “get knocked down nine times, get up ten!” No truer words can be said when it comes to this with him. However, I do question one thing when it comes to Wade…I seriously question his pain tolerance! And I don’t believe I’m the only one with this same question. We all know injuries hurt to begin with…That’s why they’re called as such. Along with this, first and foremost, people far too often don’t know the difference of being hurt and being injured. Due to the way D-Wade plays the game, of course his body is going to suffer…It’s only natural to get aches & pains. However, it seems like every time this guy gets an ache or a pain, it’s like the world will becoming to an end! Honestly, we never actually know the serviette of the pain and how bad it really is because he does this song and a dance act everytime!

We’ve all seen in previous episodes when Wade is rolling around on the court…Virtually like he’s on the front doorstep of death. Only to reemerge from the locker room and finish out the game like nothing even happened to him. Aw yes, the new Willis Reed I see. So having said that, I find it very difficult to believe that he was in so much pain over a shoulder injury that he needed to be rolled off the court in a wheelchair! I know screwing up your shoulder is painful, my father along with myself have messed up our rotator cuffs. Yeah, it hurts. Did we cry? Um, no! Did we need to be rolled around in wheelchairs? Um no…Well, I did, but not because of that. Let’s think back to when Drew Brees got his shoulder mangled. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t he walk on his own two feet back to the locker room? Funny, I think so! Did tears come streaming down his face…Um, no again! Not to mention the whole ordeal after having some dental work done!

I’ve been around and have seen numerous shoulder injuries or any injury for that matter during my college days as a basketball student assistant/manager. In my eight plus years, not one player was ever wheeled off the court in a game or during practice for ANY kind of injury! Not one player even shed a tear…And that’s pretty amazing considering the fact that we always seemed to have a bunch of candyasses! I’ll even do you one better…One year we were playing this team and one of their players broke his ankle, (to paint a clearer picture for you as to how bad it was, I’ll just say…And by no means am I exaggerating
here, Joe Thiesmann, yeah, he had nothing on this guy) it was just flapping in the breeze. Now of course he needed a wheelchair for good reason of course, but did he turn on the faucets? No, because he was a soldier like Kellan Winslow Jr! Although I would like to make a suggest to the entire Miami Heat franchise…When Wade does return to the hardwood, (when ever that may be) perhaps you guys should consider investing in one of those “Life Alert” thingys? Why if it can work for senior citizens such as Grandma Senile & Grandpa Blind as a Bat when they fall down and go boom and can’t get up…As crazy as it might sound it just might help DW? Who knows? Although it’s worth a shot, right? It can’t hurt.

See, there’s a lot to be said about having and not having a high tolerance of pain! This is something that one either has or doesn’t have…It can’t be taught. It’s clear to me that while D-Wade might have everything else, one thing that he doesn’t have is a high pain tolerance! Although watching the Heat try to play in his absence might help him begin to build up his tolerance level…It will definitely be painful to watch! Hey Coach Egotistical, you enjoy yourself! Perhaps, now you may feel the need for some more surgery?

Enough With the Daily Updates on Bonds and Man-Ram!

Oh man, I can hardly contain myself from saturating my pants…It’s just, well, I can’t seem to help myself and for good reason too! Why? As if everybody doesn’t know…Perhaps nobody has heard, but Spring Training is finally in full swing. If that doesn’t get the mojo running, what does? It’s like Christmas in February. Yes indeed, I’m all jacked up, but I’ll have you know I’ve never, ever tested positive for HGH or any steroids for that matter! Although I should be honest here…I can give a rats ass about Major League Baseball or any baseball for that matter! Honestly, if I had to choose between watching a baseball game or a hockey game, it definitely would be an easy call…Hockey would win every time. See there Gary, your league might be on life support, but I won’t pull the plug. It’s just that trying to find a hockey game to watch, now that, that's the hard part!

So, then why is my blood bubbling over the start over Spring Training? No, I didn’t take a Viagra…This is the time of year that we find ourselves so fortunate enough to get daily updates on Barry Bonds & Manny Ramirez. Now this my friends is the national pastime! Oh wait, this just in…Barry Bonds just got out of the bathroom. He just took a monstrosity of a shit…Why it sent tremors back to the Bay Area with it almost measuring on the richter scale. Why does a certain network feel that we need the daily doses of the steroid BB? Is it healthy? Not really. Why is the media so in love with this lying cheater? Look, we know what Double B is all about…We all know he’s about to break Hank Aaron’s record. So when he does, that will be newsworthy material, I guess…Sorry to say nobody gives a shit about Barry tagging a homerun on his fifth swing of the spring. It’s sad that I know he in fact did that yesterday…Only reason Barry Bonds’ Media Gopher, (or is it puppet) Pedro Gomez reported that. Awesome job Pedro…Award winning journalism there. When I get out of the LastRow, I want to be just like him…With my head so far up Barry’s ass I can see the needle marks! What kind of gig would that be…You work for ESPN and you were assigned to live & die on every last freaking move Barry Bonds made….And every breath that he takes Hey Pedro, sorry to inform you of this Chico…None of us give a shit about your nightly cameo. It might be your job, but it’s a piss poor one! Ironically, it’s not just Barry that can’t stand the sight of you, neither can we! I’m sure you’re a swell dude and all, but enough’s, enough! Don’t you ever get sick of crawling up Barry’s ass? One would think, this cat has to want to gouge his eyes out?

Oh wait, LastRowSports.com just received a phone call stating Barry Bonds had just pulled into a Burger King drive thru and ordered four whoppers, three large fries and two diet cokes…We’re assuming that it’s all for him, but can’t confirm it. Pedro will be all over it tomorrow…Look for it in his daily summary of “This is How Barry Bonds’s Day Went.” Perhaps he can also find out if any of the food was laced with HGH too? Although I’m sure the next time Barry tests positive for anything he’ll be blaming all the BK’s in the state of Arizona!

If nightly updates of that cat wasn’t enough, thus hearing them for the next seven and a half months…We get to hear them about Man-Ram as well! Lets the first chapter of the 2007 Manny Ramirez book be written, lets start off by saying he won’t report until March 1, word has it. Wow, I got five words of my own…SO, followed by, WHO CARES! Why is this news…Oh yeah, again the media feels the need to make it as such. Well, here’s some insight for all you media dumbasses out there…The only reason why it grabs headlines is because you jackasses report it and put it into headlines! Why is it when Joe Sixpack takes a week off from work, that doesn’t grab national attention? Or if Kenny Keg takes a shit at Denny’s at two in the morning you guys aren’t there to report if it smells like roses or not? Although I must say from previous experiences, if Kenny ordered the Sampler, well, there isn’t anyway it smelled like roses! Rather it likely smelled like these daily updates on these two guys.

Ever watch the movie Super Size Me, that’s how I feel with all these Double B & Man-Ram helpings…I’m sure I’m not the only one regurgitating on them! Too much is bad for the system…Not only that, the journalistic skills that are being showcased in the process, well, they seemingly appear to be the flimsy, miniature, cheese like substance that everybody finds on cheeseburgers at McDonalds along with a meat-like patty coming off the Dollar Menu! Please stop clogging our sports arteries with all of this!

Possibly Some New NHL Marketing Ideas, hmm?

For the NHL, well, life is pretty bleak to say the least. Even before the season ending lockout a few years back, the league was struggling to find support. Now, I don’t know about you, but when the NHL had a “real” (that’s the key word here) television contract with ESPN I thoroughly enjoyed watching it. Okay, let me be more specific…I enjoyed watching it when it came to the playoffs. Sorry to say, but a mid-January game between Atlanta and Columbus or Nashville and Florida didn’t make my blood bubble. However, as we all know, since the supposedly “new NHL” has come back to the ice to try to reinvent itself, the puck has been shot around in empty arenas. Well, I’m hear to tell you that I’ve come with some ideas that I believe will put fannies back in the seats…So listen up Bettman! Take Notes!

Speaking of fannies I really feel like Mickey Meyer would be a welcomed addition to the NHL. Who’s Mickey Meyer you ask? Legitimate question, I guess. Apparently this University of Southern California hockey goalie put on a show, but it has nothing to do with stopping flying frozen rubber traveling up to 100 MPH. Sure doesn’t. I mean really that’s a bit overrated…Every goalie does that, right? Hell, why not ride your goalie stick like a horse, drop your bulky pants, moon the crowd and slap your buttocks during a game. "I had my fill of these refs," Meyer said. Now that, that right there my friends is worth the price of admission. These circus like antics occurred while play was stopped and referees were trying to sort out penalties in the third period of a consolation game in the ACHA West Regional tournament at Eccles Ice Center. I take it either Mickey wasn’t thirsty or had no water left in his water bottle? One of the two!

Now we’ve all been to hockey games…Why would we? Tickets are so affordable…I love going, for I don’t have to sit in the LastRow. However, we all know that hockey entertainment during timeouts & intermissions are lame & virtually non existent…So big kudos should go to Meyer for trying to spice things up! One would think he’d be condemned for giving a hockey game between the University of Southern California and Brigham Young University some zest to it…Rather he was ejected and ticketed for lewdness, a misdemeanor, after an officer who was working security at the rink said he witnessed the scene. What, it must be a BYU thing…Do morons frown upon slapping that ass. I don’t know what’s bigger news here, Mickey Meyer, (what kind of name is that anyway…What were his parents thinking?) slapping that ass or that the University of Southern California & Brigham Young both have hockey teams? Either way, definitely worth the price of admission! See Gary, this would with out a doubt work for your floundering league. Where else can one attend a sporting event and have a police report filled stating…The junior from Clinton, N.Y., was "riding his hockey stick like a horse and slapping his butt," North Park Officer Mike Stauffer said in a report. After pulling down his pants, Meyer slapped his bare bottom several times, Stauffer said. The next time the Philadelphia Flyers & New York Islanders are scheduled to do a free skate…Would something like this get more tail feathers in the in the seat, (no pun intended)? Although, I’d be holding out to see Ed Belfour do this act.

If Gary’s not into the whole buttocks thing, perhaps his marketing firm of “Dumb & Dumber” could take a page out of the American Hockey League Syracuse Crunch’s promotional/marketing guide? By offering Britney Spears a quiet weekend getaway by extending to the troubled pop singer an all expense paid trip to snow bound northern New York. Yeah, that’s the ticket…This should gets fans coming out in droves! Why I might even have to use two hands to count the number of people this is going to bring out. However, Gary can always use all the fans he can get. An all expense paid trip to snow bound northern New York, huh…Gee, that sounds too good to pass up! However, I’m tore between that and the Bismark, North Dakota trip, so I know BritBrit must be!

"The team and community want to provide Britney Spears with a stress-free environment and the chance to experience a high level of hockey," said Crunch…In addition to being 3,000 miles away from Hollywood , Syracuse is light years away from that pretentious environment. "There won't be paparazzi within a 100 miles." Oh yeah, lets not forget to mention human life either. Britney Spears and hockey…Gary, have you thought about that combination any? Why the NHL could follow in The Crunch’s footsteps by offering any woman who shaves her head free tickets to games and dub it, “Ladies Smooth as Ice Night”. Although fellas, we all know females are “As Cold as Ice”…Am I right? Or perhaps better yet if Spears accepts the invitation, front office members of the NHL can also shave their heads and then put it on EBAY too. If this doesn’t give your ratings a boost Gary…Nothing will! I just figured since the NHL & Britney Spears are rapidly approaching the status of Anna Nicole Smith, why not reach out to each other for help? Hell, you both need it! If it doesn’t work, oh well…It’s better to die together than alone, I guess? Hey Gary, why don’t you see if Vanilla Ice can help your league out too. Just think of the marketing that could bring to the NHL!

Who’s Your Daddy? ESPN Wants to Know!

What’s with this media firestorm surrounding Tom Brady entering fatherhood? It’s almost like some sort of backlash against the Golden Boy or something. Why is this such big news? Is it because it’s Tom Brady? Perhaps. Is it because he’s a professional athlete? Most likely not. Who cares if he’s really having a kid with his ex-girlfriend…How is that newsworthy? The media has made this story out to be almost like a he said, she said deal, a soap opera if you will…An Anna Nicole Smith saga. Again, thank you ESPN…You guys rock, once again you’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill! You love adding fuel to the fire don’t you? Hey guess what, my neighbor is having a child with his ex, I’m disappointed to see you guys not send one of your reporters to my neighborhood to cover it. I guess you clowns didn’t get the memo that says nowadays having kids with your ex is a dime dozen…You know, kind of like the dumbass off the wall opinions Michael Irvin used to voice for the network!

I honestly fail to see why this has captured the national attention like it has. Posing the question that this somehow might affect Brady’s performance from here on out. What, instead of studying various NFL defensives in the wee hours of the morning, is the concern over whether or not that two in the morning feeding or the four o’clock changing will some how deter his focus and cause sleep deprivation. Just because he’s a high profile athlete doesn’t mean he’s any different than the rest of us, well, besides the fact the he’s a standout quarterback with a few extra zeros in his bank account. I’m sure some clown on the Bristol campus might deem this as newsworthy material…I would love to hear why? Honestly, I can see why it was when the story broke, but do we have to keep beating the horse? Shouldn’t just be “Tom Brady is going to be joining the fraternity of fatherhood”…End of story. What’s with all the follow up? Going back and forth like Jeter & A-Rod…Getting reactions from Boston to California and everywhere in between. Everybody’s chiming in on this…Where’s Pat O’Brian when you need him? Is he in the Betty Ford Clinic again?

Now of course we all know if the lovely couple was still together, there would be no fuel to add to the fire, just as this same fire was started when announced that Matt Leinart impregnated ex-girlfriend Brin Cameron. If for some reason there’s a concern over him paying child support, here’s a little secret…I think he’ll have that covered. It’s not like we’re dealing with a Shawn Kemp situation here…Seven different children with six different women, if indeed that count is still accurate? My guess is no! Who knew that having ones first child with his ex could be so newsworthy for all the apparent wrong reasons? I was always under the notion that becoming a father for the very first time was supposed to be a momentous occasion and just that alone should be newsworthy enough…Who ever knew one would have to hold a press conference that he was indeed entering fatherhood? I heard of holding them to declare for drafts, but fatherhood…Perhaps Brady has started a new trend. And for that, he can thank none other than ESPN!

Hey NASCAR Critics…Shut Your Cake Holes!

Well, it’s been 48 hours since the incredible photo finish at the Daytona 500 and the buzz will still not go away. On this past Sunday the Super Bowl of NASCAR as it’s dubbed, gave us a finish which rivals that of Super Bowl XXXIV as the Titans came up one yard short, only this time it was Mark Martin coming up 0.02 seconds short. Both felt similar pain of coming up on the short end of the stick, (or is it driveshaft)…Although unlike the finish the Rams & Titans gave us, the one that Kevin Harvick & Mark Martin produced has not gone without controversy. And for the most part the win by Harvick is being overshadowed because of it.

Did NASCAR do the right thing by not waving the yellow flag as Martin and Harvick battled it out coming to the finish line? According to the rules that they set forth…Most likely not. Although if anyone thought that officials were going to bring out the caution and ruin the opportunity to have the greatest finish in Daytona 500 history…Well, now that wasn’t ever an option! This was like a wet dream for NASCAR and well nobody ever wants to wake up from those now, do they? Besides wasn’t it an uproar from fans always showcasing their displeasure when a race always used to end under caution? Isn’t that why NASCAR implemented the “Green, White, Checker Overtime Period” to begin with? Now these same fans who got what they wanted…A race not ending under yellow, for some reason many of them wanted the yellow to come out on Sunday! Make up your minds you damn rednecks…What the hell do you want, Billy Bob & Suzy Q?

Let’s examine this…If we really think about it, NASCAR was in a no win situation. No matter what was done Sunday there was going to be controversy regardless. For gags and giggles, just say the yellow did indeed come out…Gee, I wonder what kind of backlash there would’ve been then? I can just hear it now… “The wreck happened behind Martin & Harvick, why did the caution come out? It had no bearing on the finish,” (I no know, technically it did…I’m not a complete Moron! Surprisingly, I do know some shit about NASCAR) or “Kudos to NASCAR for waving off what might have been the greatest finish in the sport’s biggest race!” That’s what would’ve filtered the airwaves on talk radio Monday morning, but instead we got, “How can NASCAR justify the way it handled the finish? Rules apply, only when convenient?” Followed up by "NASCAR wants to talk about the drivers and the crews cheating. I think NASCAR is cheating by not following its own rules." It’s just like any of us driving on a highway, if something happens in back of us we’re not too concerned about it. Why? Plain and simple, because it doesn’t affect us! We just keep driving on.

Damned if you do…Damned if you don’t! While I’m not big on watching guys make left turns for hours at a time, I feel like NASCAR made the correct decision by not flashing that little yellow light. In all honesty…I likely wasn’t the only one, but when the wreck happened it didn’t phase me in the least. I was just focused on those two cars side by side. It’s just like in football, everybody knows damn well one can just about throw a flag and call pass interference on a hailmary attempt. Do they? No. Or how about call a “ticky tac” foul on a last second three-pointer? No, only Hugh Hollins does that! Isn’t that right Hubert Davis? Yes, if the 500 ended like this Mark Martin would’ve been dubbed the winner, but it didn’t! Look, I wanted Martin to win the race, just like I wanted the Chicago Bears to win Super Bowl XLI….That didn’t happen either. So let’s stop crying over spilt milk!

I wonder what would have happened if Martin held off Harvick to win his first 500? Would there be this much fall out & controversy then? Most likely not. If Harvick would’ve out drove anybody else to grab the checker flag, we would be discussing how great the race was and giving more credit to Harvick rather than raining on his parade!

ESPN Looks Even Dumber for Hiring Irvin!

Barely two weeks after Michael Irvin found out that he would be getting a bust of his ugly mug put into the Pro Football Hall of Fame this coming August, ESPN decided to give him a gift. That gift, none other than his pink slip from the network. My only thought here is…What the hell took so long? It’s not like he has been with the network since 2003 or anything. Over the course of these years it wasn’t like the man was clearly #### out of his mind on each and every broadcast or anything. Although since ESPN is more worried about “personalities", rather than sports, (like they’re supposed to be) well, who else better to have then? After all, that’s what The University of Miami is known for…Their clownish, thugish personalities!

If we actually think about that’s what ESPN’s all about anyway…Does anyone like Sean Salisbury? Hell no! Stephen A. Smith, uh, no again, but these two aren’t on there for their expertise & knowledge. The E stands for Entertainment and with Irvin this is the only thing they saw in welcoming Irvin to the network! That little drug problem, don’t worry about it Mike…You love strippers? Not a problem there either! Let’s install some poles in the break room. Is it just me, or when any of us fills out a job application and gets to the section when it asks about any prior criminal activity…If one is honest and lists his rap sheet(s), well 100 percent of the time that’s the only thing a corporation sees! Oh, but that’s right…That’s only in he “Real World”! At ESPN, it’s more like the fantasy football world! They make the rules, since we all know the sports world revolves around this network.

See the blame shouldn’t be put on Irvin here, yes, he got fired….Although what in the hell was ESPN doing hiring him in the first place? If that’s not bad enough, a few years ago when he was picked up for drugs yet again claiming they were his buddies, (look, that maybe true) but why only give him a slap on the wrist with a one week leave as they did? Any other place would’ve Donald Trumped your ass no questions asked! So why bring him back? I don’t think the NFL Countdown cast needed him that bad…Do you? Speaking of which, that cast…Irvin was like the Terrell Owens or Randy Moss of it anyway. What was he doing with well respected names as Ditka, Jackson, “Jaws”, Young, and Berman. It wasn’t like he was overbearing and would always have negative comments if someone disagreed with what he had to say…No surprise he’s boys with T.O. then.

Journalism 101 Mike…Always be objective! Not something you grasped and weren’t! Perhaps that’s why you were a better fit on the Best Damn Sports Show Period! See on that show, we don’t turn into hear the words that they speak. We watch in hopes of pissing ourselves with the ludicrousness that takes place. And some, (or I should say most) of the hot air you blew out your pie hole was just that…Ludicrous! Although sad to say…ESPN is quickly sinking to that level!

"I truly appreciate what ESPN allowed me to do, " said Irvin, who has been surrounded by controversy twice in the past 15 months. "I loved working with those guys." Of course you do MI…If I took part in your types of extra curricular activities and was still able to land a gig like that, I’d truly appreciate it too! However, one thing is to being failed to be mentioned here…What was the reason behind the firing? What, he left to pursue other opportunities, yeah right! "Michael Irvin will not be returning to ESPN," network spokesman Bill Hofheimer said "as part of an annual evaluation". That’s all we get…What’s up with that? Nice song and a dance once again Bristol! I sure hope he didn’t try to give a fellow employee a hug? Mike, didn’t you learn from Harold Reynolds? Speaking of which, you talk about employing two guys from the different ends of the spectrum and ESPN handling it in the same fashion. Reynolds, a guy who personified class to the fullest gets shown the door for giving hugs…To a guy who’s better known for his off the field drug/strippers activities not only gets employed by the same network, but virtually gets a 30-second timeout when he gets pulled over by authorities and a search of his car produces more drugs. Yeah, those are priorities to live by ESPN! I can’t wait to see who replaces Irvin on the Countdown set…Lamar Thomas? He has an award winning personality…I hear he’s looking for some employment and would most certainly bring some spice to the network!

A Super Bowl Story You Haven’t Heard!
Well, Well…After spending the past two weeks in an iron lung, "I’m free at last!" Now I know what Dr. Martin Luther King was referring to. My two week hiatus was caused from none other than that beautiful South Florida Super Bowl weather…I’m still trying to figure out what the hell Gloria Estefan was talking about when she said "Welcome to sunny South Florida" during the pregame festivities! Hey Gloria, I got a news flash for you…Just because there was big suns on the field didn’t mean the sun was shining….GOSH, IDIOT! Although perhaps it was just my perspective? One thing I did manage to see was my breath…Oh yeah, along with Noah building his arc! Kudos need to go to the peeps at the Weather Channel for getting that forecast absolutely wrong! They called for a "Chance of Showers"…A chance, huh? What? "A good chance" ticket holders might get flooded? Although, what should be expected from them? Forecasting Florida’s weather, well, every hurricane that slams into the state they get wrong too…Glad to see nothing has changed on that front! Who knew, as I went down to Dolphins Stadium to cheer on my Bears…Well, lets just say, I didn’t expect to see Noah building his arc in the process!

So why am I talking about something that happened two weeks ago? I would’ve liked to do this sooner, but I figured regaining the ability to breathe took precedence…Although that’s just my personal opinion. Some may disagree with that view. Just when you thought you had heard every Super Bowl story imaginable…I got a good one for you! No, it doesn’t have anything to do with Rex Grossman or Peyton Manning, not even Lovie Smith or Tony Dungy…Hell, it doesn’t have shit to do with the Chicago Bears or Indianapolis Colts for that matter. Confused? This story certainly didn’t receive any headlines, but it should have! Allow me to paint this beautiful masterpiece on how the NFL handles themselves!

Like any die-hard fan, I wanted to see my beloved Chicago Bears play in the Super Bowl…I mean it was only a 21-year span, so I did what any fan would do. I hopped on Ebay and bought two tickets, (yes, they were real too). Although before I did so, I took a swing by SuperBowl.com to find out the league’s policy to exchange "Regular Seating" tickets for "Wheelchair" tickets…To see if it was indeed possible. You may be able to carry an oxygen tank up to the LastRow, but a wheelchair…Well, you have a better chance of Rex Grossman becoming a legit NFL quarterback! As strange as that might sound. After reading the following information below, what else was I to do, but buy two tickets, right?

Accessibility for guests with disabilities direct SuperBowl.com
Ticket exchanges
"The NFL will exchange tickets in order to accommodate patrons with disabilities. Non-disabled patrons holding tickets to wheelchair locations or modified aisle seats will be relocated in order to accommodate disabled patrons. If you need a wheelchair location in order to be accommodated, please check your ticket and make sure it is marked "Wheelchair Space for the Disabled." If this language is not on your ticket, you have purchased a conventional seat and the ticket must be exchanged for the proper ticket."

Unfortunately as we all know, things appearing to be easy don’t necessarily turn out that way. Instead of this being like a prostitute working a street corner…It was more along the lines of pulling teeth in the dentist’s chair. Every phone call that was made, I got a different song and a dance. It was like trying to get an act of Congress…You would’ve thought I was trying to declare war on Iraq! Why even one time I got this response…"The game is soldout." No shit, Sherlock…You think! However, did I ask you if the game was soldout? Um, No…I asked you to exchange my tickets because according to the NFL Rules & Regulations you have to! This coming from the same guy that said no accommodations would be made. What’s up Sean O’Connor…How you doing? You still have a job after I got your name…hmm? By you saying that, why isn’t that some kind of discrimination considering the fact that I indeed had a ticket, but unable to reach it? Why, if I listened to your hot air, I wouldn’t have been able to see the game? It’s really not a good to NOT practice what you preach! Can you say potential lawsuit?

After more tap dancing with the league, they mercilessly just happen to stumble upon one extra "Wheelchair Ticket"…Yeah, sure they did and the Cincinnati Bengals don’t have any character issues! So I got my ticket and everything is fine and dandy, right? Not so fast my friend…That’s just the half of it! The bigger and more important issue here is the ticket holders that were sitting in the "Wheelchair Section", who had tickets that had "Wheelchair" labeled on them, were none other than able bodied patrons. Yes, I was the minority in the Wheelchair Section…And funny, I came prepared with my own wheelchair, too. Look, the tickets don’t say "Disabled" on them…They say "Wheelchair"! Just because one is pushing maximum density and the platform shakes every time he walks, ("walks" without any problem) being the key phrase, doesn’t mean he has the right to sit in that section! I give a shit if you waddle like a duck…If you lost some weight, you wouldn’t have the problem, now would you? Or how about this one…Two contestants that were dressed for and certainly could have won The Betty Buttaface Beauty Pageant…Walking back and forth on the platform like they were two Victoria Secret model rejects! How the hell did they get these same tickets? Sporting a Buttaface sorry to say isn’t a disability! See, that’s curable! All that is needed is a brown paper bag! What, was that the first place prize in The Betty Buttaface Beauty Pageant? So why was it then that Sean O’Connor wouldn’t move these two beauties? Isn’t that what he’s required to do as set forth by the "Ticket Exchange" policy? Perhaps he was afraid they couldn’t do stairs? Although, I guarantee they could do them better than me!

We’ve all seen able bodied people in designated wheelchair sections at any given venue and when I called Mr. O’Connor on that, his response…"Well, not at this game!" There’s that whole Cincinnati Bengals thing again! I find it funny considering this fact…There’s only one way to obtain wheelchair tickets. The NFL holds a special lottery for these ticket requests. To have ones name entered in this lottery, in addition to the request "Proof of Disability" needs to be sent to PROVE, (that being the key word here) that one is worthy of these seats! How do I know all this…Well, my ticket request got turned down. However, I’m so glad to see that Billy Fat Ass’s request got accepted…Just too bad last time I checked being fat was a choice, not a disability! Billy, put down the hot dog and get off my platform!