ESPN Has Some Good Gestures, But Not Without Hidden Motives?
Earlier this week I sat and ripped ESPN…I know, so what else is new. It’s like that guy at the gym who wears John Stockton shorts or whose favorite music video is "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John and the number one song in his IPOD.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=VQXECBdPgEA

It’s just so easy to do! For those of you who missed it, shame on you…My Scuttlebutt doesn’t stink that bad, only on occasions. http://www.lastrowsports.com/2007/06/egotistical-sports-performance-yearly.asp Well surprisingly the clowns in Bristol have achieved some things that are actually conscientious
for the sporting community this week.

It turns out ESPN's College GameDay opens its football season in Blacksburg, Va., when East Carolina visits Virginia Tech on Sept. 1. Wow, it only took a 23-year-old student Seung-Hui Cho to go awol and kill 32 people on the Blacksburg campus before committing suicide in a classroom building for East Carolina to get a glimpse of College GameDay. "Our coverage will be considerate of the emotional day facing the students, faculty, and people of Blacksburg and the country," ESPN vice president Norby Williamson said. While this is all true and the September 1 game will be obviously more than a football game to the Virginia Tech community and everybody recognizes this…It’s just it apparent that Bristol brass are trying to reach out to VT, but some will argue that they are only doing this for themselves, like all the other shit they do is for themselves. While I don’t question this gesture, what I do question are their motives for doing this! They always seem to have a hidden agenda…Always looking for that opportunity to say "Hey, look at us…Look at what we’re doing." Because we all know if that tragic day in April never happened, The Home Depot stage set wouldn’t be built for East Carolina in Blacksburg! Why do I smell rats? Does the Hokie Nation have a rat population issue?

Always up for giving good gestures…Of course with good gestures comes good publicity. Thus the case is with the two week run of "My Wish". Again, here we have the company reaching out to help a cause. Chris Connley does a fantastic job with these pieces…It probably has something to do with he’s the only one with an ounce of journalistic ability in his melon who works on the campus in Bristol. Although I have one thought about this…Why is it only a two week run? What, kids only happen to get sick for these two weeks? Again, here’s another episode where you guys try not to break your arm too much by patting yourself on the back, jack! If you really wanted to make a difference this would be like the Sunday Conversation….A staple in the shows programming! However, see this is how far you guys are from reality…Kids, such as the ones who are making cameos on this whole "Wish Thing", they’re a dime a dozen! They’re not just enough to have a two-week spin!

So why not make this a programming staple? If you want to do something right for once, um, yeah, this would be a hell of a start! Don’t tell me you can’t…Don’t tell me athletes are too busy except for these two weeks out of the year. You’re ESPN, you guys can and do whatever you guys want…Remember, going to Blacksburg on September 1? Why? Because you wanted to! As I stated earlier this week everything this company does is about you guys! Both of these touching stories, while some may see it as such…For many, including myself, sorry, we’re just not blinded by the hidden agendas you have!

The Official Kobe Video - www.thekobevideo.com
After a month of hype, just released on Draft Day by the savvy public relations department known as "The Kobe Video Guys the full, unedited version of "The Kobe Video"…Big Surprised! Wonder what it’s like to be Mitch Kupchak presently as Kobe has been so candidly discusses the current state of the Los Angeles Lakers’ organization? Day by Day, the trade value for his disgruntleship falls faster then Enron stock. While he drops like he’s hot…I wonder

Please be advised…Parental Guidance is strongly recommend and encouraged! Especially for Kwame Brown! For strong language and would somebody get Kwame a box of Puffs…I see him shedding a few tears.
http://one.revver.com/watch/316001/flv

NCAA Considers Waving Texting Policy Along with Fees
Just when you thought your favorite college team could no longer texts its HSAR, (that’s Highly Sought After Recruits, in pure English) well, in the words of Lee Corso… "Not so fast, my friends"! Love that crazy old man. Speaking of crazy…Gotta love the NCAA more though. After passing a new rule forbidding coaches from sending text messages to recruits, now the NCAA isn’t sure it made the right call after thirty-four schools have bitched and complained about it and will reexamine the ruling on Aug. 9. Good to see the NCAA is so worried about the cell phone companies of the world…Here’s a thought guys, why don’t you hold an emergency meeting to discuss the whole BCS fiasco? You can notify each other through your Sidekicks and Blackberries by texting "911 meeting". However, standard text message rates will apply!

Another foolish rule set forth by you guys! Why was this even put into law in the first place? I know, so schools don’t have contact with prospective players during the "down period". Very noble of you guys…Thing is odds are very likely texting will be the thing of the past here shortly. Something new and improved communication tool will come along allowing you to set even more rules on coaches, and so on and so forth. So you by setting these silly communication rules are well, just that…Silly. Don’t you have more important things to worry about on your plate than who’s texting and who isn’t? I mean, what kind of a "plan" is this? A rollover one? Isn’t some mascot out there not abiding by your "mascot" policy?

No, let’s not worry about who’s bending the rules when it comes to academics…No, lets not do that. Let’s spend our time concerning ourselves with these petty issues to see which coaching staff has exceeded their 500 a month texting limits. To see which of their recruits are in their Top Five? For an organization that always preaches to student athletes you’re a student first…And the same organization who suggests college athletics isn’t a big business, you guys are paying more and more attention to what goes on in the various athletic venues and less about what you try to blow smoke up our asses about! Why does it matter at all who’s texting and who’s not texting their BFF QB or BBF PG? TTYL

Draft Day Blunders…Who’s the Next to be Added?
The moment everybody has waied for is 24 hours away…Well, that is everybody except for the Portland Trailblazers. Having the number one overall pick is supposed to be a luxurious one…However, at times like these it can be compared to one clawing a chalkboard. Kevin Durrant or Greg Odom? This is the question that has weighed on the minds of Portland’s brass ever since Brandon Roy landed the number one overall selection…Thanks a lot Brandon! There’s no clear cut answer between the two…Both might be your above average NBA players in terms of height, but that’s where the similarities end. So will it be Odom or Durrant? Nobody knows that…It’s safe to say not even the Trailblazers themselves know this. One thing is for sure, this years draft will draw more viewership because of this question that seemingly might be the hardest ever to answer in the draft than the 2007 NBA Finals…And for that David Stern is pissing himself like a newborn!

So what happens when Portland finally decides? Well, Seattle takes the remaining player left in the greenroom and that’s that…Greg & Kevin will be compared to one another throughout their careers. For Seattle it’s easy…It’s Portland who’s in the Budweiser Hot Seat. After these top two selections, it turns into any other draft…Teams looking to improve their nucleus the best way they seem fit. Which is not as easy as it sounds!

While everybody knows the first two picks tomorrow will help their respective teams for years to come, that’s where the sure thing ends…From the third pick on down to the last selection in the draft it’s nothing more than a craps shoot. Teams looking to takes steps forward without taking a step back by selecting a player that turns out to be a bust. Every sports draft has them and tomorrow will be no exception either…The only question is who will they be and which teams will be the ones suffering from it? And while the Portland Trailblazers are trying to answer different questions, it will be the rest of the teams answering that one. Although we know there will be some busts that will get drafted tomorrow…That’s for sure! The question then becomes whom? And only time will tell that!

In no numerical value sequence…LastRowSports.com Draft Day Blunders!

LaRue Martin ( No. 1 Overall, 1972, Loyola (IL))
WHO? Only lasted four NBA seasons and averaged around 5 points per game. Let’s just hope the Blazers don’t take a trip back to the future in about 24 hours.

Chris Washburn (No. 3 Overall, 1986, North Carolina State)
He never amounted to anything in the NBA being selected behind Len Bias. Turned out he was better at failing drug tests & getting the munchies in pregame warmups & halftime over three seasons. A proven winner!

Kent Benson (No. 1 Overall, 1977, Indiana_
The Milwaukee Bucks would’ve been better served to draft Anna Benson in 1977 than this stiff.

Dennis Hopson (No. 3 Overall, 1987, Ohio State)
Hmm…Interesting, Ohio State. He might’ve been popular as a Ohio State Buckeye, but by the New Jersey Nets he was very unchoice, to quote the knuckleheads I went to college with. Only lasting five seasons in Tony Sopranoland all of which he spent on the bench…AKA The Witness Protection Program.

Ed O’Bannon (No. 9 Overall, 1995, UCLA)
After winning The Wooden Player of the Year Award and a National Championship that was the pinnacle of his basketball career. Only lasting 2 seasons in the league with the New Jersey Nets, (great scouting program in New Jersey), so he had to retire. Such is life in Pauly Walnuts territory…Perhaps Pauly got to Harold Miner as well?

Sam Bowie (No. 2 Overall, 1984, Kentucky)
Hey Portland, you listening? First LaRue Martin and then passing on Michael Jordan. So is this number selection you hold tomorrow night equivalent to the Budweiser Hot Seat?

Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 Overall, 1998, Pacific)
I’ve seen better ballers at the local Candy Jar store than this cat…Nuff Said!

Danny Ferry (No. 2 Overall, 1989, Duke)
Drafted by the LA Clippers. Had a prolific college career at Duke, but then again, what white boy doesn’t flourish in Krzyzewskiville? He had a long career in the NBA, but was a huge bust…Only averaging 7 points per game over his career. Yep, that combination of Clippers-Duke will do it to you every time! All teams out there…Watch out for Josh McRoberts! Stick with the GM role…A much better fit!

William Avery (No. 14 Overall, 1999.,Duke)
Poster child for why you should stay in school. Guess he never listened to that old NBA ad campaign much? Former McDonald’s All-American left Duke after sophomore season and was selected by Minnesota with the 14th pick. And now he can currently be seen asking customers if they wish to "Super Size That"!

Kwame Brown (No. 1 overall, 2001, Washington)
After four miserable years with the Wizards, it’s tough not to call him a bust. Michael Jordan’s boy regressed as a Wizards thus the LALA Land trade. A perfect fit for him!

Jon Koncak (No. 5 overall, 1985, Atlanta)
I can't believe I just mentioned him...Wow! Koncak scratched out an 11-year career in the NBA, averaging 4.5 points and 4.9 rebounds. He went steadily downhill after averaging 8.3 points in his rookie season.

Shawn Bradley (No. 2 overall, 1993, Philadelphia)
Certainly not worth a No. 2 pick. OK, stick figure bounced around in the league for 10 years, averaging nearly three blocks and more than seven rebounds per game. But for all the hype surrounding Bradley when he entered the draft out of BYU, he did very little. Bradley was supposed to revolutionize basketball with his supposed amazing agility and quickness for a 7-foot-6 center. Instead, Bradley is awkward on the court and offers little offensively…But did revolutionize how to eat 10,000 calories a day and not gain a single pound.

Bo Kimble (No. 8 overall, 1990, L.A. Clippers)
High-scoring Loyola-Marymount guard could not transfer his skills to the NBA. Kimble lasted a mere two seasons with the Clippers, then played nine games for the Knicks in the 1992-93 season.

So who will be the draftees that will appear on this never ending growing list? If I was a betting man, which I’m not…I found out there’s a better business in throwing away money. It’s called throw dollar bills at the naked women swinging around the brass pole up on stage. However, if Pacman Jones held a gun to my head and forced me to choose, I’d have to say Joakim Noah. Don’t hold me to that though…I thought Tim Duncan was going to be a bust to coming out of Wake Forest. So what ever that’s worth? It’s better just to stay tuned!.

An Egotistical Sports Performance Yearly on Tape Delay
The nominees were announced this morning. Fans will vote for the winners in 38 categories on ESPN.com, and the awards show airs, (noticed I didn’t say live on) July 15 at 9 p.m. ET on ESPN from Hollywood Boulevard in the Kodak Theatre. What, is this ESPN’s way of Tivoing it for us? So in the next coming weeks in leading up to one of sports most unforgettable nights we’ll be asked to vote for 36 winners out of 38 categories…As two special awards are not voted on by fans. The Arthur Ashe Courage Award & Jimmy V Award for Perseverance.

Aw, good ole Jimmy V…Nobody will ever forget his lasting impression he gave to this night back at the first ESPY’s When he used Coach K & Dick Vitale as human crutches to make that short, but seemingly endless walk from the front row up the few stairs to that podium where he delivered the most memorable moment in ESPY’s lore. Fact is, no one remembers a lot from that first awards show…The winners & the nominees, but nobody will ever forget listening and watching Jimmy V for the last time that evening.

Ever since that night many moons ago an enormous amount of things have changed. Thanks to the network that founded these awards…ESPN has since pushed the envelope way past any mail carrier might have foreseen to transform sports what it is today. Unfortunately, these four letters that have grown through the years and taken the sporting world to higher and higher levels have lost all sense of reality as it pertains to its sporting environment! For instead of just providing its consumer with sports, as their call letters presume what they should be doing…It’s more like watching a bad episode of The Man Show, crossed between Saturday Night Live and The Jimmy Kimmel Show. When did sports have to have on air personalities? Um, did we ask for this? Because I don’t remember voting on it?

Speaking of which…Voting! They want us, the fans, to stuff their ballot boxes to decide 36 winners, (Yeah, I want fans to stuff my Pick’em Box too) but yet we aren’t even worthy of being able to see this show happen and play out live. What’s up with this? For our viewership over the years has taken this network to thinking one didn’t know his or her alphabet, to that on being one of the most recognized companies globally. And for thanks, us, the people who went to ESPN.com and voted over and over again, we get to see a tape delay/edited version a week later. Gee, that’s so thoughtful…And perhaps the NFL would like to do this same thing the first week, (or is it second) of February next season in Glendale for Super Bowl XLII?

So while LeBron James, who’s co-host the event with ABC late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel, exchange slap-stick funny one liners on stage written by those oh so funny comical ESPN stooges, the rest of us might as well be dusting off our Bozo the Clown collection. Is there a better time to watch the "Grand Prize Game" than now? Purely comical, that’s what ESPN has become…A collection of clowns if you will! Tagged by not only us the fans, but fellow colleagues in the sports-media realm:

"Hell yes, I'm glad I'm not some ESPN stooge, who might make more money than me, but spends his/her entire day preening around the athletic arena, microphone in hand, makeup case in hand, hair spray in hand, ready to ask an inane, suckup, kiss-butt question to a player that, at the end of the day, has absolutely no reasoning impact on the memories of its viewing audience, and absolutely no lasting impact on anything remotely associated with the art called "journalism" which you falsely attach yourself to." - Adrian Dater, Denver Post Colorado Avalanche Beat writer.

Hell, everybody dislikes ESPN, I think my dog even does, and he’s been dead for 16 years…Jerry Maguire even did, and that was 10 years ago! Not surprising by any stretch of the imagination! Suppose if the ESPY’s got a Nielsen Rating of below this years NBA Finals, NHL Finals, or even Ray Boyd’s G.P.A….Would this network get the drift that we want our EPSY’s live? Most likely not! Look you may have created this night, but it isn’t about you…It’s about the fans! In all actuality this corporation is no different than any single professional sports franchise. You guys want, want, want…Our votes, our viewership. Just as any owner wants our fannies in the arena and our bucks in their pockets! That’s all you scumbags at Bristol are…You get paid to watch sports, get paid to reports sport, but there's no need to do it like this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uS1VcIlg7Xk

If this is indeed "Sports Greatest Night" as it’s dubbed, why is it then the ESPY’s should be airing on the Classic network then? You know the ones where you guys take all the great "TAPED", (being the key word here) sporting events and re-televise them. How can that be, then? Actually, there’s no difference in the ESPY’s and your 6 a.m. through 1 p.m. SportsCenters…Again, do you see a "TAPED" pattern here? For such as a night that this award show has become, one would like to have thought it would get more respect than this? Well, at least the fans would have thought so! Wow, who would’ve thought that the Century 21 Home Run Derby at the All-Star Game Yearly would be put on a live stage, but the EPSY’s are on the same level as Stump the Schwab reruns. Well, ESPN’s brass has just stumped me…Makes you wonder what the clowns in Bristol are actually thinking if this is supposedly "The Greatest Night in Sports" as they sugges it to be, doesn't it?

Worst Uniforms in Sports Inspired by the Washington Capitals going back to Old/New jerseys

All the folks in the Lanover, Maryland market…Good News! It’s time to dust off those old "throwback" Rod Langway, Dale Hunter, Mike Gartner, Kelly Miller, Michal Pivonka, Al Iafrate jerseys. You know the ones that have been hanging in the back of your closet for years…The ones the wife keeps nagging you to get rid of and you’ve given up hope of trying to explain the whole "vintage" concept to. Well it’s a dream come true as the Caps are turning back the clock permanently trading in the "Black Capital Building" sweater and the "White Bald Eagle with the Stars" look to donn the Red, White and Blue sweaters again. No word yet if there’s plans to reconstruct the Capital Centre/U.S. Air Arena…Think that may be in the works!

Now personally I like it when the Caps changed from the stars & stripes look to skating around incorporating some Americana semblance. I mean it did make sense to put the Capital Building on their chest. Pure brilliance by the marketing department at that particular time…Just like the utter brilliance of some sap owning a donut shop deciding to put a 5 ton donut out front to tell the public that it’s indeed a donut shop. See now a good marketing department would’ve put a cop car there instead.

Got to love marketing departments of sports franchises…Always looking for new and inattentive ways to squeeze every last buck out of the consumers…Yeah, that would be us! I prefer for strippers to do that to me, but hey? When all else fails and the team is floundering, why not just overhaul the team logo and colors to try to earn some money before becoming the next Lou Pearlman. I’m not saying the Capitals are on the same pathetic level as the Godfather to the Backstreet Boys & NSYNC is, but wasn’t there a reason why Washington put those jerseys in the back of the closet? Look, I’m all for the Red, White & Blue, but those uniforms put the UG in UGLY.

So they may not be exactly the same…Why would they? That’s a lame ass marketing department if that happened. Nonetheless, the Caps just went from having a pretty damn good look, back to one of the worst uni’s in sports. This isn’t like what the Buffalo Sabres did last year with their new look, where it had to grow on you…Which for me it did, as I was almost ready to take the plunge and buy one. Put it to you this way…This new gear would still look FUGLY at three in the morning with beer goggles on and as we all know those beer goggles can do wonders!

Thanks to Washington’s marketing department, this fashion blunder got me thinking. Surely this isn’t the most hideous looking jersey/uniform that has been or will be worn in sports…As we’ve seen awful, alarming, frightful, traumatic, repulsive, etc looks. Exactly what’s the worst looking uni? Well, there’s no real good answer for that…The beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
So what are some which should’ve been banned and never donned like platform shoes? Well, before the candidates are revealed, let’s go back to the future….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr8KZwf9_VI

NBA
Golden State...The color of cheddar-yellow and the trim was blue. YUM! With a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge on the front and a trademark San Francisco trolley on the back, this stitched postcard was more welcoming than it was threatening. The postcard look might’ve turned out better if Alcatraz took center stage.

Denver Nuggets...A Richard Simmons dream to say the least! With a red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple stripe across the midsection, it looked more like something out of My Little Pony than a professional sports team. Who inspired these? The Rainbow Coalition? Last time I checked, the world of sports isn’t the most welcome place for the gay community.

It goes without saying, but still needs to be mentioned: The Kings/Wizards recent gold alternate jerseys.
It’s easy to see they indeed went to Jarrard’s to find these diamonds!

Vancouver Grizzlies…Vintage Bryant Reeves. Oh yes

Teal Pistons jerseys with the horse logo…Definitely would’ve complimented Dennis Rodman more in all facets. Bill Laimbeer & Vinnie Johnson, well, you can’t win them all.

Toronto Raptors…Damon Stoudamire Edition, in memory of Dino and created by a 5-year old!

Kudos to the Seattle Supersonics for notifying, (or is it annoucing) the NBA nation that their city was indeed home to the Space Needle…Please see the 1997 NBA Finals for reference. Definitely made Shawn Kemp look a lot more fit & trim!

Um, yeah, those American Flag Washington Bullets jersey were nice…Nothing says God Bless America on the hardwood as the New Jersey Nets did back in the day either! I thought Stars & Stripes was a boat? Oh well…Blended in great with the ABA ball!

Houston Rockets…Post Championships. What a great idea to have the Jetsons appear on a jersey

MLB

Chicago White Sox
The '76 White Sox decided to push the envelope, fitting their team with shorts instead of pants. The navy blue cutoffs were combined with knee-high socks, quickly turning the White Sox into the league's laughing stock. Tapping into the over 40 softball leagues nation wide look!

If these didn’t turn you off like a female pushing maximum density in the bar before three in the morning, how about the threads this bunch wore in the mid 80’s? The ones where you thought you were at the eye doctors trying to read the top line of that damn eye chart, except it didn’t say "E"…Rather S-O-X. But not to be outdone, for some reason they have to copy the MLB logo on the batting helmets.

San Diego Padres
Remember the San Diego Padres tried to do the next best thing by wearing a camouflage jersey; what they didn't realize was that baseball games are played in a stadium, not a jungle…Last time I checked G.I. Joe might be "An American Hero", but certainly can’t hit like Tony Gwynn.
I can’t figure out what’s worse, these, or the UPS gear they used to sport on the diamond. Last time I checked Dale Jarrett’s pit crew, well, they were just that…A pit crew, not a baseball team.

Not to be out done by Rainbow Bright. Yes, she was certainly tickled pink with the Houston Astros threads of the 70’s & 80’s. A color blind person’s nightmare!

NFL

Tampa Bay Buccaneers before Pewter Power took the Bay by storm
The key to this horrendous outfit was not the burnt orange jersey, white pants and the helmet. On it is a buccaneer who is either winking, has something in his eye or has lost his eyepatch. Lets not forget, the "holding a dagger in his teeth" technique. These definitely needed to walk the plank.

Miami Dolphins, Chicago Bears, Cleveland Browns (alternate/orange)...You douches aren’t Clemson with your Orange new "hip" jersey…Why would anybody want to be the Tigers anyway? Their alternates are Purple…Inspired by Barney, or was it that Gay Tele-Tubbie?

Tennessee Titans…No wait, Houston Oilers? No…Tennessee Oilers with a rebel flag on the left shoulder. Where was this going? And crazy as the Music City Miracle.

NHL
Vancouver Canucks
A quick fix if you're in need of an easy Halloween costume, but the 1978-'85 Canucks looked like they were trick or treating 365 days a year. Marketing Department’s favorite holiday must’ve the one that falls on October 31st…Having that pumpkin, ghosts & gobblins, witches, jack-o-lantern theme for almost a decade.

Tampa Bay Lightning (alternate) A collaborated effort by a third grade class. The lightning theme is translated into a lame graphic of a storm. Sporting what might be the worst depiction of rain in the history of mankind, which can easily be mistaken for pieces of masking and electrical tape. Lets assume the yellow lightning bolts on the arm sleeves were compliments of the ankle bitters not staying with-in the lines.

Nothing says let’s play hockey like the Pittsburgh Penguins try to do by taking the ice in those Baby Blue threads with a little lovable, adorable looking penguin on them. Now that’s truly the NHL

When the Capitals switched from their old look to their new look before switching again to a "neold", (look it up) look…The New York Islanders did as well. Was that funny looking specimen on their sweater what one gets when the Grimreaper, Hellboy and Jason have a threesome? This cameo apperance didn't last too long.

California Golden Seals...First off dubbed the Seal…On top of that, I thought the Orlando Thunder played football, not hockey? And I’m not even going there…The whole World League is a story by itself!

Kansas City Scouts…Hi, Ho, Silver….Away! Thank God they went away!

Quebec Nordiques…What was that all about?

Colorado Rockies (Hockey)…Wouldn’t it have been more economical just to skate up & down the ice wrapped in Colorado’s State Flag? Very Fashionable.

Phoenix Coyotes First Generation… What was the thought here? To somehow incorporate the video game Tetris into a jersey. Give me a damn straight line, Damn it…I know it’s coming!
Hollywood and Reality don’t mix…I repeat, don’t mix! So what’s up with the Angels thinking they do? Same goes for the Mighty Ducks…There’s nothing Mighty about a Duck.

I’m sure I forgot some yackful ones, but hey, no sense of crying over "wardrobe malfunctions"...What's done, is done. Just one final thought…The next time St. Patrick’s day comes around, please, for the love of God, don’t know anybody where green jerseys except for the Boston Celtics! It’s not a noble idea to honor Lucky Charms…That’s why he appears on a cereal box and has his own cereal!

What Happened to the Pittsburgh Pirates Parrot?
Has it already been three weeks already? Can you believe it has been three weeks ago since the question every one wanted to know around the country was whether Tony Soprano was going to take some swimming lessons in concrete boots? Yes, it had all the elements of Super Bowl Sunday…Just too bad it ended up like Super Bowl XXIV in New Orleans!

It has been said that the finale show had five alternate endings…Well yours truly has just uncovered one of them! Last week I sat in, (or is it on) my Sports ScuttleButt bringing to you the bewilderment of this meltdown and pusillanimous wrap up of the last episode in a sporting variety. (For those that missed it, here it is…
http://www.lastrowsports.com/2007/06/fiesta-bowl-spoof-of-sopranos-finale.asp

Now for the version that nobody wanted you to see until "The Sopranos Final Episode DVD" was released with the various endings. No need to thank me since I just saved you $19.99…Golly gee, I hope they don’t come looking for me! I’m depriving them out of a lot of money by doing this. It’s a good thing I’m in the witness protection program otherwise I might end up like The Parrot!

We always knew the Pittsburgh Pirates are always good for a laugh…It’s good to see they are worth something other than trying to play the game of baseball.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZC1jiwKMHc

The Pacman Jones "Incidents" Publication...Get it!
With all these 2007 football publications hitting newsstands faster than I sit here and peck away at this keyboard, LastRowSports.com wanted to get in the pigskin publishing party. However, all these pigskin mags are the same…Saying basically the exact same thing, but in a different jargon. LastRowSports.com wondered why not create a little football publication of a different variety? We all know Pacman Jones is like a bad case of hemorrhoids…You never know when they’re going to flare up. So having said that, here’s a brand new publication solely focusing on Pacman’s incidents and how they rank up against one another…It’s believe that this is the first publication of its kind, not to mention it could be the last seeing how Pacman’s most likely not long for the NFL!

These incidents are ranked from most superior to others to least proficient using a rating system some might be familiar with in parenthesis. Without further ado…
http://www.jibjab.com/view/118182

1 - February 19, 2007: Jones was in the middle of a fight and shooting at a strip club in Las Vegas….Showering strippers on stage with $81,000 dollars. Jones was beating a strippers head against the bar while claiming to kill one of the club's employees. (Hall of Famer)
In his own defense, Jones could only offer the following statement: "I thought there was some ghosts in the bar and they looked like a power pellet and Pacmans likes to eat power pellets because it lets us eat the ghosts, so I bit him." See that $81,000 indeed wasn’t for the pole huggers, it was for power pellets. This explains why he was running like a man possessed in the club!

2- June 18, 2007: Being sought by police for questioning about a shooting early Monday involving members of his entourage after a fight at an Atlanta strip club. Jones, his group, (Inky, Blinky, & Pinky) and three other people got into a fight about a woman. (All-American)
Let me guess…The ghosts were getting too close and you were all out of power pellets?

3 - April 10, 2007: After an April 3, 2007 meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the NFL announced that Jones would be suspended for the entire 2007 season.…
Sent to the principal’s office, which a very few select people are able to visit…Your pow-wow with Goodell should be commended. Well done! To commemorate this occasion he had a celebration down the street at Scores. (Division-I Stud)

4 - August 25, 2006: Arrested for disorderly conduct and public intoxication after being ordered by police to leave a Murfreesboro night club several times…
What’s with throwing temper tantrums in police presence? If you were better behaved they might’ve given you some Teddy Grahams. And being charged with disorderly conduct too… That falls in the same boat as my dog NOT having the ability to follow commands! Sit Packman, sit...Good Dog! (Varsity Captain)

5 - July 13, 2005: Arrested and charged with assault and felony vandalism after a nightclub altercation. This began Pacman Jones NFL rap sheet. He already had a lengthy one from high school and college…Breaking shit is always fun, just watch out for the D.J. booth…Don’t beat up the D.J. spinning! (JV Squad)

6 - September 5, 2005: Jones was invited to attend the Nashville Sports Council Kickoff Luncheon. Jones went off on a verbal tirade while being told to wait for his car after the event. He then reportedly refused to tip the valet service….
Aw yes, the mentality of a 5-year old not saying "please" & "thank you", combined with a teenager making a gas run…Loved those days! Just imagine if there were no cookies left in the cookie jar? (Waterboy)

7 - March 23, 2006: Charged with marijuana possession in Fayetteville, Georgia...
Why is this a crime anymore? Don’t 10-year olds get charged with this nowadays after authorities raid their treehouse? (Pee Wee)

8 - October 26, 2006: Jones was issued a citation for a misdemeanor assault after a female student from Tennessee State University claimed that Jones spit in her face at a Nashville night club. (Little Leaguer).....Real lame Alice!

9- October 2005: State of West Virginia filed a petition stating that Jones had not been contacting his probation officer and that he had not reported his July 2005 arrest…
Should’ve gone with Cingular Pacman…Fewer drop calls! Damn varmints just don’t understand…The Ericsson T28 just doesn’t pick up reception in that state. (Tee-Baller)

Receiving Honorable Mention Honors -
Jones was also sentenced to one year in prison for a bar fight in Morgantown, West Virginia while in college. The sentence was later suspended in exchange for two years of probation.
College kids are so dumb! (You Throw Like a Girl)

The 2007 Cincinnati Bengal’s Arrest Publication
With the pigskin publications hitting newsstands already why not create a little football publication of a different vareity? Here’s a brand new publication solely focusing on the Cincinnati Bengals and how all their arrests rank up against one another...I'm sure I'm not the only Albert Einstein who has thought of doing some thing like this, but hey what football publications don't over lap one another?

#1 Chris Henry (June 14th, ‘06) - providing alcohol to three under aged females…R. Kelly’s so proud…He’s smiling somewhere? Thus getting the top spot.

#2 A.J. Nicholson (June 3rd, ‘06) - burglary, vandalism, grand theft…Three charges in one, not bad! If it wasn’t Henry trying to impress R. Kelly this would’ve landed in the top spot! Very impressive for stealing electronics from a teammate, that’s not easy and it shouldn’t go unnoticed!

#3 Reggie McNeal (Dec. 3rd, ‘06) - resisting arrest and drug possession…Again, not just one charge, but two. If you’re going to be cuffed at least have some fun. Make cops earn their salaries that you make in one quarter on a Sunday afternoon in the fall.

#4 A.J. Nicholson (May 18th, ‘06) - domestic violence…WOW, the first repeat offender, Congratulations! Some kudos must go out to A.J. though…He restarted the streak after they had gone four months in between arrests. We started getting concerned about that! Thanks A.J. for keeping it real!

#5 Frostee Rucker (June 21st, ‘06) - vandalism, spousal battery…Breaking shit is always fun...Needed that new version of the Blackberry anyway!

#6 Eric Steinbach (Aug. 5th, ‘06) - boating under the influence…First of all, who the hell is this? Just because you’re on the water doesn’t mean one can get cocked with no penalty…Admit it, you didn’t even read the boating manual, did you?

#7 Odell Thurman (Sept. 25th, ‘06) - drunken driving, a 0.18 on the richter scales …That damn two tablespoons of Robitussin gets ya every time! Damn cough medicines!

#8 Chris Henry (June 3rd, ‘06) - DUI, 0.092…I’d blow every time I sniff a shot of 151.

#9 Matthias Askew (July 22nd, ‘06) - disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, failure to comply with police officer’s order, obstructing justice…So of like teammate Reggie McNeal at three, but at least Reg had drugs in his possession! So he threw a temper tantrum & acted like a 5-year old in police presence.

#10 Deltha O’Neal (Dec. 9th, ‘06) - DWI, registering a big 0.10 on the richter scales. So he had a half of beer or did he gargle with mouthwash?

#11 Quincy Wilson (June 17, ‘07) – disorderly conduct, refusing to follow police commands. Cool, Quincy is now in the same boat as my dog NOT having the ability to following commands!

#12 Chris Henry (Dec. 15 ‘05) - weed possession. Real lame! Why is this a crime anymore?
Don’t 10-year olds do this? Wonder if he learned how to do this from the three under aged females who he provided alcohol with? Why is an NFL receiver dealing with child’s play?

Some may agree with these rankings, others won’t…Make your own publication then! I can’t tell you much cause then I’d have to kill you, but be on the lookout for more preseason publications coming to a computer near you!

BYU Teaches Athletes to Attack Pedestrians With Mops

We all have fears, whether it’s insects, water, crossing over waterways, stepping on cracks in the sidewalks…All of us fear something. And for those who say they don’t fear anything at all just one question for you macho men…Do monkeys fly out of your butt, too. I’m not afraid to admit it, I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality to say I have fears…Actually, I have several of them. However, you want to know what my biggest fear is…Do you really, really want to know? It’s getting attacked by a pedestrian with a mop. I’m really not looking forward to the day when that happens! Lucky for me I don’t live in the great state of Utah where striking people with mops is a national pastime out there.

I always knew Utah was a little out there in all aspects of life…The only state a guy can be married to six women at once. Who in their right mind would want to do that, isn’t one wife bad enough? Yes, in this state people certainly march to a different beat and in the process love beating peeps silly with mops. A star runner at Brigham Young University was arrested after getting out of his car and striking a pedestrian with a mop, police said. Yes, sadly folks I’m not making this up! I guess that’s a good way of collegiate runners to grab the national headlines…Go on a mop-beating spree! Kyle Perry’s, (the alleged mop beater) vehicle apparently got too close to the man, who was pushing a bucket with mops across a street, witnesses told police "Angry words were exchanged," Provo police said. I know what you mean Big Kyle…I just hate when a S.O.B gets too close to my ride with some Pine Sol & Clorox! Gosh, that burns my ass! Bad enough to the point where I want to exit my vehicle and grab a mop out of the pedestrian's mop bucket and start to strike him with it!

According to the police report… "The pedestrian grabbed another mop and used it to defend himself. Eventually the pedestrian was shoved over a planter box and fell onto his back." Is it just me, or can everybody see this in the next Summer Olympics? I bet Mr. Clean and Ajax would be in heaven! Guns, Knifes, Razorblades…Now we must throw mops into this category now too, I see. What’s next? Aggravated assault with a broom? Battery with a dust pan? Armed Robbery with a Dust Buster? Car Jacking with a Feather Duster? Why do I suddenly have vision and memories involving Jake Plummer sitting at a stop light in his gray Honda Civic last summer? As if we thought the whole University of Northern Colorado "I’ll Carve You Up With a Butter Knife to be Named the Starter Punter" thing was outrageous enough, this, well I don’t know what kind of level on would put this one?

The man, who had a bump on his head, blocked Perry's car until police arrived and arrested the track star for aggravated assault, Argyle said. Any legal action from the mop fight is up to prosecutors. I just would love to know who will hear the "Mop Fight" case? Judge Mathis…Judge Judy…Judge Joe Brown….Judge Hatchett…or Judge Maria Lopez? My vote would be for Lopez…Feisty little one! In addition Argyle did mention something about Mr. Kyle might be under the influence of watching Home Alone one too many times! My guess is Home Alone 2, but Argyle wouldn’t elaborate on that!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=j75XDob0Vf8

"From my understanding, he's not at fault," BYU cross country coach Ed Eyestone told the Deseret Morning News. "I think he may have acted hastily, but we'll just see how that plays out." Yeah, that’s what they say about all mop beaters! Hastily? You know perhaps coach has a point…Kyle should’ve went for the sponge first instead of the mop. The mop should’ve been a "if all else fails" kind of weapon!

So let this be a warning…If one ever finds himself/herself in the boring ass state of Utah, (although I don’t know why somebody would in less they make like Kevin McCallister did and got on the wrong place) don’t ever be caught outside with either Arm & Hammer Baking Soda or Lemon Pledge!! Just like American Express states, "Don’t Leave Home Without It!" Only in Utah!

Fiesta Bowl Spoof of Sopranos Finale
Just a week ago all the talk was about the ending to The Sopranos finale, so much so it was force fed to us time and time again like a big bowl of pasta. After a while you get sick of hear, (or eating it). For the last time, no ones cable went out, …Can anybody say "prelude to a movie"? For the people that watched it for however many years it made cameos on HBO I can only say, well, there’s a new way of wasting years of ones life…Good Job! Although I bet Steve Perry loved the way it ended…Journey still lives on! However, I’m still having no luck to find that O’Sherry person…What a Hottie!

What does The Sopranos have to do with sports? About as much as The University of Miami being awarded some kind of Humanitarian Award. Now I recognize some people didn’t get into watching The Sopranos…Boy, don’t you guys look like the smart ones now! After being looked at all those years like you had three heads when you told people you didn’t watch…Well, neither did I and I’m glad for it. Hell, I’m even Italian too! But I know how that shit works…I don’t need some lame ass television show to show me how shit goes down!

Although what would happen if that sort of ending happened in a sporting event? While not everybody watched The Sopranos, we all have something in common here…Our passion for sports! So while some peeps can’t understand why everybody was up in arms over The Sopranos, just imagine if the following happened in last year's wild Fiesta Bowl? Rock on Steve Perry… Agonizing parallel parking efforts included!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bfi2ktXJSBA

Professional Athletes Need to Ride Fisher-Price Big Wheels Instead

Lavar Arrington became the latest professional athlete member to get inducted in "If I Only Kew How to Drive a Crotch Rocket Before Hopping on One." This bike club is growing by leaps and bounds…Jeff Kent, Kellen Winslow Jr. ex-Jet Jamie Henderson, Ben Roethlisberger. Who’s the next dimwit? I’d say Mario Williams, but he prefers out of control Ferrari’s instead. Maybe Clinton Portis? You know the next time he’s late to a dog fighting exhibition down the back roads of Virginia. Look, if you buy yourself a 750cc motorbike, you should know that it's going to accelerate just a bit quicker than the Fisher-Price Big Wheels you had when you were five. I'm not Valentino Rossi, six-time MotoGP world champion, but I think I know how fast a crotch rocket can get away from you and the serious repercussions that accompanies them. Apparently, the news doesn’t seem to be spreading — Plain and simple…Hot Wheels have the ability to ruin careers far worse than what Lawrence Taylor did to Joe Theisman! Although, too bad L.T. didn’t do something to Joey T’s yap instead!

Once again we really see how stupid professional athletes are! Just because you’re labeled as such doesn’t mean you are fully able of barring any kind of injury from crashing a motorcycle. I'm sure Lavar feels no shame answering the question, "How did you get hurt?" with "Motorcycle crash." And why would he…It’s not like this is new to us. Why, it’s becoming the new offseason passion. Sure, all whom injure themselves vary…Some are much more legitimate and severe than others. But then, what if someone asks you the follow-up question: "How fast were you going and where did you crash?" This is where you start looking not so cool and more like you forgot to read the "Motorcycles for Dummies" handbook, because if you did the odds of this occurring on a regular summertime basis would be less likely. I suppose you doofs could always lie and say you were doing 160 trying to elude the cops on the interstate. They make hit rap songs about that, you know. They might be able to swing a country song or two about that if rap/hip hop isn’t your thing.

You know when somebody can’t swim, thay don’t venture out into the water. Wow, what a concept and you know it actually makes complete sense. So why doesn’t this concept then apply to athletes and their Hot Wheels? What is this thing about athletes and crotch rockets anyway? You make millions every year to play football, and you might even make a few bucks not playing, in Lavar’s case Shouldn't you be driving a Hummer, a Benz, a Lexus, or some other status-mobile? Big Pimpin mean anything to you? It’s not like you have to impress ladies…Not like your riding skills would do so anyway splattered all over the pavement like road kill. Doing your best impression of a raccoon that got slammed by a Chevy Tahoe rather than fantasizing like you’re the next coming of Evil Knievel.

Look, your dumbasses livelihoods (professional athletes) is based on the speed and strength of your arms and legs. That's your investment, an investment that pays a pretty good dividend. To protect your investment, shouldn’t you stay away from anything remotely hazardous to your body? Or at least do your homework and read the "Motorcycles for Dummies" handbook . Just a thought? Did all you fail your written driving test the first time you took it and you only passed your driving test five days before you wrecked. Just because you were able to pass your driving test doesn’t mean there’s reason of blowing off taking driving lessons. But then again, I forgot you all are "professionals". It’s just like when one gets drafted, he needs to learn the tricks of the trade before everything becomes natural…Same concept applies to these machines! You dig now? Or perhaps this concept will be thought of more in depth as the next professional dumbass is carted away on a stretcher from his boneheadedism!

Congratulations Lavar on your induction into the ever popular growing club!

Is Kobe Bryant Schizophrenic or Something?

The question does bear asking! In the never ending soap opera of Kobe Bryant, LastRowSports.com has stumbled upon something very interesting to say the least. When the soap opera reaired on Sunday it did so on his Web site…(I didn’t know soap operas were webecasting)? Bryant reposted an earlier trade demand that read in part, ''The more I thought about the future, the more I became convinced that the Lakers and me just have two different visions for the future. ... The ONE THING I will never sacrifice when it comes to basketball is WINNING.'' On Monday, Bryant replaced that statement with messages from fans supporting his trade demand. Meanwhile Buss sent out a long letter to Lakers fans this weekend that reaffirmed the franchise's commitment to winning but never mentioned Bryant's name.

With this storyline changing more than I change my Fruit of the Looms, got me to thinking…What the hell is going on in KB’s head? "Trade me…I demand a trade" to "I love this place, I don’t want out." Um Kobe, are you suffering from the Billy Donovan disease? Well, he might not be suffering BD, but it’s clear that he has something of sorts! Thanks to the swell folks at IswearImustbeschizophrenicorsomething.com we uncovered certainly something that will leave readers shaking their heads asking what’s in Bryant’s head. In a "Diagnostic Melon Test" Kobe gave the following response to a question…

"I swear I must be schizophrenic or something. I think I’ve finally decided on the right thing now. I’ve been taking a serious look at the situation, and I have to say, it doesn’t look pretty nice. It looks like I could actually be productive in it. I don’t want to be here anymore… I also don’t want to have to worry about management anymore, been there, done that, it’s not a picnic. Playing the game of basketball needs to be "fun" again for me…It’s what I do, it’s who I am, but this situation here looks like it could be very fun. I have a natural feel for what I’m seeking, if not out here, then somewhere. The feeling that you can’t describe, but you know when you get it. It also looks equally suitable for the Lakers and I to part in different directions. Ruby is also extremely cross platform, even to include the Java and NET platforms. According to my preliminary research, it is relatively slow, compared to most other programming languages, but both parties involved we are addressing that problem by moving from being purely interpreted to compiling to byte code and running on a virtual machine. This should bring my performance at least into the same neighborhood as Jordan’s, which will be more than acceptable. Well, hopefully they’ll meet my needs here or someplace else".

Say What? One word pretty much sums up my thinking for all that…HUH. Well, there you have it, this explains quite a bit about Kobe and his latest events. What I get out of this whole jumbo wombo is that he might be asking for a cup of coffee? By "platforms", does he mean the Santa Monica Pier? Just one question…Who’s this ruby? Does Vanessa know about Ruby? If she didn’t before I think he just cooked his own goose once again!
And to see his latest Schizophrenic episode…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kt9DBMMwCM

For the "full/uncut version" in its entirety click here. It can be yours if you’re the highest bidder.

Twenty-One Years Ago Tomorrow
Last week sitting here pecking away at these keys I gave a belated Happy Anniversary to Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Mr. Potato Head…Or some refer to him as Ben Toothlessberger. At any rate, it was unthoughtful of me to forget the one year anniversary of him running into a granny behind the wheel of a 300…I’m sorry! As I mentioned it’d never happen again! And for Lavar Arrington, I’ll remember your anniversary a year from now too! So with that said tomorrow marks another anniversary of sorts…Yes, on June 19, 21 years ago, Len Bias played his last game with narcotics. Now who knows if this was his first game, but come on people, let it go! How many times are we going to have to listen to the sad, emotional, pathetic, tragic story to one Len’s. Okay, we get the picture already since Mr. Bias decided to snort up some white lines after being selected number one by the Boston Celtics. And thanks to every sports media outlet every year they’ve done a very good job of cramming this repeated story down our throats. So it’s been 21 years since Len took his own life…So much for all that God given basketball ability, all that is six feet under now. Um a memo to the media…By now I believe we all know how this pathetic story goes!

Twenty-One years have passed and everybody is still pondering the question, why? Well that’s real easy. Len Bias was a high profiled basketball player coming out of the University of Maryland…In case nobody has noticed, all athletes, no matter if they are a superstar or those appearing on "The Bachelor" hoping and praying that females will except their rose, these fortunate ones always live a charmed life. It would appear Len was just starting to get comfortable with his new charmed life. Let’s not be naive here folks, what these high-rollers want they get, they’re willing to explore more some more than us LastRow ticket holders. Why? Cuz they can…Not caring about what the ramifications are at the time, for they’ll worry about that in the future. What I’m getting to is Len’s exploration into the world of drugs on that tragic day on the U of M campus was certainly just the beginning to a downward spiral regarding his basketball career, but more importantly his life. If anybody honestly believes that on that night in Maryland was going to be Len’s first and only time exploring in the Narcotics world then you’re only kidding yourself. It’s like a fat person sitting down with an unopened bag of Cheetos…Like they’re really going to open the bag, pull out just one and close the bag up. Or like an alcoholic who buys a 24-pack of Icehouse only to get home and drink just one. Let’s not be blind here peeps, why just because he was outstanding at basketball doesn’t make a damn bit of difference as to what kind of life he would’ve lived away from the basketball floor. This is my point, being one of fame and fortune the temptations at some point would’ve overwhelmed him just as they did Chris Washburn…You do remember him? The guy that used to smoke up in the locker room bathrooms before a game and during halftime. Where is he now, probably his best friend is John Lucas trying to turn his miserable & pathetic life around as I type this.

Every day we all make choices, not just athletes, if you can believe that…Some are right, some are wrong, but all have consequences of some sort! So then when a high profiled person as Bias decides to make an unwise decision it’s considered "sad & tragic", but when Tommy Redneck makes the same decision, it’s looked at differently! Why is that? Whether it’s right or wrong…I’m going with the ladder here, it’s quite simply how bright the light shines. And that my friends just goes to show you "All people and NOT created equaly"!

We ‘re so quick & willing to jump on a person’s bandwagon when things are going so well, but as soon as the Titanic appears, it’s man overboard and insert knife in ones back. Joe Theismann is all too familiar with this. How in the hell does anybody know what Len Bias would’ve done in the NBA. Sure just going on what he did at the University of Maryland, one may be inclined to say that he would’ve flourished…Then again the Portland TrailBlazers had these same thoughts about Bowie. How’d that turn out…Well, Chicago loved it as Michael Jordan landed in their laps. Bottom line nobody really knows nothing about anything, yes it’s great to speculate…That’s a part of sports. Although to call Len Bias a "Can’t Miss" is pure speculation. If it’s speculation that we are doing then how about speculating on this. Suppose Len Bias did survive that night 21-years ago…Where would he be? Would he be mentioned in the same breath of Michael Jordan or Chris Washburn…A Success or A Bust & A Failure…A Crackhead which currently resides somewhere under a bridge or one o the most influential athletes ever to live? These questions will unfortunately never be answered, although might’ve some of these questions been answered 21 years ago when Len passed on. Perhaps they were by a higher power, thus maybe he’s in a better place than he would’ve been? It’s time we let this story rest in peace just like Len’s doing.

Sideline Reporting a Distraction at the College World Series…For Good Reason!
Well, now that the U.S. Open is buried somewhere in that Oakmont rough, thus closes the book on a month of championships galore. Once again after the glorified horse back racing tour ended yet again in no triple-crown winner for this year, the sporting world was handing out trophies faster than Pacman Jones throws around C-Notes in a strip club…Or is that sprays bullets in a strip club? Either way, that’s pretty difficult to do. In the past month we’ve had the French Open, Women’s Softball, the NCAA Lacrosse Championships, the Stanley Cup Finals, the NBA Finals and the U.S. Open. Out of all of these championships the best one which gave us the most theater, the most drama, the one that kept us awake was the U.S. Open. Yes, surprisingly enough a golf tournament out of all the rest was the one keeping us on pins & needles, (perhaps that’s why my entire body hurts).

So where do we go from here? Well, the football publications have hit newsstands, but the flying pigskins are a month away from coming out of hibernation. Although may I suggest something, if one tries sleeping with one of these publications it might make the situation better. I’m sure the ball & chain won’t mind…If she does, well it’s safe to say that she doesn’t understand you nor will she ever! This little idea of mine doesn’t come without warning….Please be advised of paper cuts if you do decide to try this! Paper cuts can hurt like the dickens!

However this "dead period" in sports, the boys of summer take center stage…Only until the first fight among teammates happens during two-a-days. Although, there’s one last championship trophy to be handed out and I’m not talking about the long awaited rematch between Joey Chestnut & Kobayashi in Coney Island to see who’s better at reverse regurgitation. It’s the one time of year that the sporting world recognizes that Omaha, Nebraska really does exist…Well, at least it does for two weeks anyway! For these two weeks in the nations heartland baseball in the summer actually means something. Where funnel cakes and a hearty dose of "PING" becomes top priority in ones diet. Is there anything better than watching individuals step to the plate with rocket launchers in hand? This is college baseball…Not everyday one can witness a called shot headed straight for Lincoln like an asteroid!

Is there anything better than competing for a championship? Few would argue with that notion…"I don't want to hide from the fact that the kids are going to be excited," Louisville Cardinals Coach Dan McDonnell said. That pretty much sums it up right there! Although, I know what you mean, Dan…Those funnel cakes at the CWS are to die for! I get so excited when that combination of dough & sugar hits my tongue…It gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling inside. They’re certainly a far cry from IHOP’s!

Going along with trying to claim a championship is several distractions…The team that does the best job eliminating those combined with excelling on Rosenblatt’s diamond is a very good recipe for success. While Omaha poses several of these with of course the most dominant being just playing the game of baseball. Just believe me…Watch the tape…How can anybody concentrate on baseball and trying to win a national championship at a time like this! Damn you ESPN! Where’s Herold Reynolds! This gives "HUGGING" a whole new meaning! And that fuzzy feeling that the funnel cakes offer, well, eat your heart out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIP7a9Z-YBM

All those in favor of cuddling up next to an Erin Andrews publication…Say, "I"!

Instead of watching Game 4 of the NBA Finals, Hop on the Nearest Elevator…Much More Fun!
As we sift through the carnage of a mostly D.O.A. NBA Finals, we wonder…Can anything save it at this point? Um, the answer would be a big "NO!" my friends! In having the league’s youngest star in Lebron James on it’s biggest showcase, this year’s edition of the glorified series is, well, just that…! The league couldn’t wait for the day that Mr. James reached the pinnacle of pro basketball, now everybody can’t wait for the 2007 NBA Finals to be over!

Will it happen in a four game sweep, outside the peeps in Cleveland, everybody is hoping that’s the case…Nobody wants to see a long drawn out death. And quite simply, that’s what kind of level these Finals are on! So, does David Stern recognize this and pull the plug tonight, or will he give Cavs fans false hope for a night before eventually stepping in and letting go? It’s not like we’re going to be watching Game Five on Thursday if there’s one anyway, so Big Dave just realize your wet dream of having Lebron James in the Finals has become a nightmare! Nobody’s watching, nobody cares…Sad to say, these Finals have fallen into the same category that the NHL & Gary Bettman is so familiar with! Don’t hold the Finals hostage any longer than it’s necessary to Stern!

Now is it the Cavaliers fault that they’re in the Finals? No! It’s just compliments of the draw in the Eastern Conference…And for that, Cavs fans finally have a reason to be giving thanks to Chicago! For the Bulls loss on the final night of the regular season allowed the Witness & Company Group to sleep walk right into the Eastern Conference Finals. Now Lebron has shown why he’s the face of the league for the next coming decade or so, but we still have the same OLE answer to that redundant posed question… "Can Lebron, (or any other star player) lead a bunch of knuckle heads to the promise land?" That answer is all but in…Just waiting on David Stern!

I don’t know about anybody else in "blogger heaven", but I can give a rats ass about these Finals…However, once the games are over I get all giggly to turn on NBATV (channel 108 on the Brighthouse Networks) and listen to all the reporters pose dumbass questions. That’s definitely more entertaining than what the D.O.A. Finals have brought…And once again I’ll do the same thing tonight, bypass the game and listen to the Spurs and the boring responses in the press room.

Although for Game Four I’m changing my game routine. Ever wonder what one can do on an elevator? Well, besides the obvious one, (let’s keep it clean people). I’ve been thinking about all the things one can do in/on an elevator and figure this would be the perfect night to try out some of the following "Things to do" riding the elevator up and down in my condo complex like an 8-year old riding Space Mountain at Disney World! Although, I’ll have you know I live in a 10 story building, so there. Sure it most likely won’t compare to when Charlie, Willy Wonka, & Gramps busted out of the Chocolate Factory and went for a joy ride over town, but hey, I’m not Big Willy! Although it sure beats watching the Gags get, well gagged!!

With out further ado, here’s my "Elevator Checklist)…Chad Johnson, go get your own! Lets see how many I can put a check mark by this evening!

"THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR"

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend.

After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move a desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Tell people that you can see their aura. Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

Yes indeed, Game Four is certainly no match for this! David Stern, just let it go…Do the right thing and face the music, face the fact that Lebron is stuck in Cleveland with no way out! It’s just like Ichiro said http://www.lastrowsports.com/2007/06/classic-quote-at-perfect-time-to-tell.asp. And, oh yeah, Lebron, um, have fun playing in your sand box this summer, bub!

Well that’s all for me from a top of the venue this week…However, before I sign of, to all the male parents out there who read my sports scuttlebutt allow me to wish every one a very Happy Father’s Day!! I know my pops will read this sometime, so Happy Father's Day, POPS!! I’m out like platforms shoes for this week, but keep the elevator games real!! Later Turkeys!

A Day Late and A Dollar Short on Ben Roethlisberger vs. Granny in a Chrysler

Let’s think back to one year ago…Now that requires some taxing on the brain! And it’s worth noting at some point one might go into operation overload shutdown…Or as some refer to it as a brain freeze courtesy of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream. Hey, speaking of Ben, what’d you know…I guess we should all be sending out happy anniversary wishes to one Ben Roethlisberger. It was exactly one year yesterday since Ben Roethlisberger's motorcycle accident…Man, time really flies when you've banged your head against pavement at 50 miles per hour after bouncing off of a Chrysler 300…Or was it a Sebring? Convertible?

How unthoughtful of me to be late in wishing Big Ben a happy anniversary, my parents raised me better than that! I so very sorry mom & dad! Although Ben probably did too…As he’s not playing with a full deck! Allow me to help you out Ben…Jokers are Wild! For Steelers fans it's a day they will always remember, with good reason. It’s not often your franchise, super bowl winning quarterback can go from as such to one Humpty Dumpty who fell off the bike. In the Steal City this day can be mentioned in the same breath when George Washington chopped down the damn cherry tree without telling a lie…When the nation learned that Lance Bass had come out of the cupboard on the cover of a national magazine. For me personally, I rank this right along side when I found out "The Most Accurate Football Kicker Ever" had been discontinued after I seriously found his head in the palm of my head after making an impossible field goal over a Lay-Z-Boy and the dining room table…Rest in Peace "SuperJock"! You went out with a bang! And Ben, well, you almost followed suit.

Um, just perhaps a helmet might’ve come in handy riding your little crotch rocket humpty? Just like the one that’s part of the uniform requirement for your profession. Didn’t your melon feel naked without one? Hey Steelers fans, I got know sympathy for you…Sure Big Ben has scrambled eggs in his head now, but I’m a Chicago fan. We have our own problems of epic proportion too…We’re working feverishly to find a cure for a disease that has overtaken our city…Perhaps "The Burgh" has heard of it? It’s called GROSSMAN!

Now some might see this as tragic….No, Rex Grossman’s quarterback play defines that! This was simply idiotic and could’ve been avoided! One of my favorite aspect of the crash, (if that’s the correct wording to use) remains Steelers fans, of course, some had brought with them portable grills to tailgate outside. Sadly, this was absolutely true; Roethlisberger's seven-hour surgery provided yet another opportunity for Steelers' fans to show they’re die-hards by do a little grilling...What better place to pitch a tent and have a wiener & sausages be flaming up than the ole hospital parking lot? Only in Pittsburgh are the Weber’s coming out of ambulances along with lighter fluid & Kingsford briquettes!

Still, the million dollar question that’s asked by not only those in Pittsburghland, but many nationwide, (including yours truly) who wonder if he will ever be the same. My theory is no, but then again what do I know? It’s hard to see all the way up here in the LastRow! Oh yes, I know one thing…It’s a good idea when riding a crotch rocket to wear a helmet! I wonder if Toothlessberger would care to call an audible on that one?
Happy Anniversary Humpty "Toothless" Dumpty!

The Legend of Leon Lett Resurfaces in Racing Extravaganzas
Somewhere Leon Lett has a grin on his face about, well, the size of him after this one. Notorious for his boneheadisms, (yes, that right…Boneheadism! It will be in the dictionary when Webster’s rewrites it again).

Get a load of the dude, (trust me, ingrown butthair applies here) racing his nitro filled spec…About to take the checker flag in this racing extravaganza by a wide margin. When he begins to ponder how in the hell he’s going to do a damn burnout in a car the Mini-Me should be driving… Begins waving to the crowd and to quote John Madden, "BOOM!". Loses control of the vehicle and into the wall just short of the finish line. So short in fact is was about as short as Heath Shuler’s cameo in the NFL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zP5kU3JslgA

What’s more entertaining? This or the NBA Finals? However, the tougher question which of Leon’s Blunders does this surpass? The Thanksgiving Day one where he made like a snow angel instead of a football player or is this the Mini-Me’s racing version of the Leon Lett/Don Beebe play in Super Bowl XXVII? I don’t tough call…It’s like trying to decide if Miller Lite Taste Great or is Less Filling. Tough call!

In staying with the Lett theme, since he had two boneheadisms, not one…I think this will satisfy your thirst! ENJOY!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXFCPHFgo8g

25 Greatest Sports Moments of the Last 25 Years…What’s Yours?
What would life be without sports? Ever think of that? I’ve often wondered being such an avid sports crazy ass, how in the hell can there be people out there who aren’t interested in any aspect of sports? What must that dark, cold world be like…I’m sure everybody has these individuals in their family. I know I do! The ones who can’t distinguish a driver from a hockey stick…Yeah, those kind of people. The world of sports for people that follow it gives each and every one of us a passion like no other…Sure women can’t understand that, but we can’t understand women…So the feeling’s mutual! On occasion a given sporting event goes from just that, to something far more superior…As it’s etched in our craws and history forever. Giving us lasting memories…When one happens, we tend not to forget them, for it’s more than watching them unfold, one never seems to forget where they were or what they were doing. USA TODAY has done an interesting thing in chronicling the biggest stories and scandals in the sports world over the last 25 years.

While these 25 are highly debatable, and the grounds for compiling these 25 events may come into question by any given individual…Really, isn’t that what the world of sports really is? Debatable. Sure my list would be different and so would anyone else, but sports isn’t black & white…Sure, winning & losing might be, but that’s it. So without further ado, let the debating commence!
http://www.usatoday.com/news/top25-sportsmoments.htm

#1) Red Sox Win World Series
What, did Red Sox nation complain that they had to top this list? Okay, we get the idiots came back in dramatic fashion that year, but wasn’t it against the Yanks, not the Redbirds? A World Series sweep is the greatest moment of the past 25 years, come on. Or was this selection based on the century span between World Series pennants? Because if so, shouldn’t the White Sox be number two on the list, then?

#9) Magic Johnson retires with HIV
Um, shouldn’t this be higher than nine? We’re talking HIV here…Up until then we all thought that this was the kiss of death. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t this one single event brings HIV/AIDS to a whole different level as far as the public eye’s concerned? I still remember sitting in the dentist’s chair as I heard the news come over the radio.

#11) Doug Flutie’s Hail Mary pass
Just a question, a hail mary pass is this high, why? Okay, the game was an epic battle between the Canes & the Eagles…But it’s not like we’ve seen a hail mary completed since then. A "lucky" completed pass gets ranked this high…Just ahead of Dale Earnhardt’s death. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this? I guess they had to pick one football event, so why not this one, right?

#12) Dale Earnhardt’s death
Speaking of which, why is this all the way down at 12. Why all he did was help in the transformation of NASCAR. All he was, was the face of the sport for so many years. One of the best drivers the circuit will ever know…An icon if you will only grabs the 12th spot? Hmmmm…….

#19) Postponed by earthquake
The word higher comes to mind with this one. I thought this was a "Biggest Stories" list…Just like with Magic, nobody will ever forget where they were!

#20) Ashe has AIDS
Again, more than a sports story…A story that was global only gets the #20 spot. A life or death issue fails in comparison to a Christian Laettner jumper or the Harding-Kerrigan skating soap opera scandal…A sex tape was created out of this whole CLUSTER****. So yeah, my point proven, Okay!

#22) O.J. Simpson trial
Um, again, higher….Plain & Simple, this one single event changed everything about everything!

#24) Pervasiveness of ESPN
Perhaps this should be number one? I know you’re not suppose to promote others, but this network like it or not has most likely has had the greatest impact on sports, period. And the 24th slot doesn’t do them nor the world of sports justice!

#25) Gretzky sets NHL scoring record
The NHL still can’t get any love! One of the greatest things to ever happen in a particular sport, not to mention what was done by the best ever to put on a pair of skates barely makes the list? Although I guess the NHL should be glad they made a cameo…The NFL is MIA.

Of all the things that have happened in the number one sport to watch in this country, the National Football League doesn’t have at least one memorable moment over the past 25 years…Come on! I really have a difficult time swallowing that pill!

Well, those are just some of the random things cooking, (or is it burning) in my kitchen…Although it’s worth noting I’m no Emeril Lagasse! What’s cooking in yours?

A Classic Quote at the Perfect Time!

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to," Ichiro said through an interpreter. "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

Hmmm…David Stern pretty must have these same sediments! Was Stern the interpreter? Hmmm…

This is the True Life of John Daly…Shocker!

Life on the Daly Planet is that of a complex one…It may seem all fun and games, but really is it? As sports fans, we find ourselves trying to relate to professional athletes. I don’t know why…For they’re something that we’re not, nor will we ever be. However, there’s something about John Daly that well, he might be a professional golfer having the ability to crush a golf ball off the tee to reach his planet…Take that away and this giant of a man is actually no different than you or I. Going through problems and having to deal with issues that the "common man" faces, not "professionals". Okay, so most don’t know what it’s like to gamble away millions after missing a gimmie of a putt to win a golf tournament instead of losing it, but the demons that are flying around Daly’s Planet are virtually the same that one might find flying around any ones planet.

To light up a cigarette on the first tee, to keeping the cart girl in business by pounding a case of beer over the course of a round…From visiting Hooters, to making out with Jack Daniels on a regular basis. For proving to the world that TrimSpa doesn’t indeed actually work and there’s only two kinds of people…Those who are fat and well, those who aren’t! From his marriage that have, well, has found the bottom of the lake like some many innocent golfs balls either in failing all together or having the wife get thrown in the slammer. All this is not suppose to happen to a professional athlete, (well, if pro golfers are athletes…Just because they walk the course instead of ride, I’m betting that’s why they’re deemed such).

The scratches on John Daly's cheek appeared during CBS’s coverage of their weekend golf outing raising the question if he got attacked by a cheese grader? Fair question to ask….Contrary to popular belief it wasn’t a cheese grader it was just a good ole fashion steak knife compliments of his lovely wife. The same wife, Sherrie, who pleaded guilty in November 2004 to a charge of conspiracy to structure a transaction to evade the reporting requirement and served a five-month sentence in 2006. See, and you thought you had the only crazy wife on the planet. However, as only women know how to do turn shit around, "poor incident" Mrs. Daly has a different version of the happens. Wow, now there’s a shocker! In her eyes, Daly scratched himself after sexually assaulting his wife in an attempt to make it look like his wife attacked him. Sharrie, are you sure a cat didn’t get a hold of him? Oh yeah, not to mention the fact that she claims Daly sexually assaulted her.

Oh looky, another case of "He Said, She Said"…I love this game, especially when it involves husband & wife. Although in this particular instance neither Daly is the most credible of witnesses due to their well-documented pasts. John Daly has denied his wife's accusations. "It's just not true, Bub. It's just not true. That's all I can say," he told The Commercial Appeal. Asked if he planned to file criminal charges, he said, "Let's just go with that. Nah. It's just not true. She did what she did, and that's all I can say right now." Let me get this straight here…Your wife attempts to improve her Thanksgiving craving skills, "allegedly" on your face and that’s the best you have to say for yourself. Where’s the logic in that? If some bitch wanted to go Ginsu on me criminal charges would be the beginning of her problems, Bub! Although so is life on the Daly Planet where things are never logical! However, allow me to interject a thought here…Looks like golf has taken on a whole new meaning for "Making the Cut", now hasn’t it!

Are we shocked by this latest Daly publicity nightmare? Probably as shocked as we would be if we saw penguins wearing mittens, (think about that one). For somebody who dubs his autobiography —My Life In & Out of the Rough— details his gambling and drinking addictions with one chapter devoted to his three former wives that’s titled, "All My Exes Wear Rolexes," um, I going to go with no here. Yeah, um, no sounds like a good answer. Is it just me, but do I hear somebody shouting out "FOUR" real soon? Sadly, the worst part of this story: John and Sherrie have a 3-year-old son…Nice broken home for sonny to grow up in! We still love ya John…It’s just the way of life on the Daly Planet!

Jim Harbaugh’s Latest "Foot Into Mouth Act"…

When Stanford University hired former NFL quarterback Jim Harbaugh to be it’s newest football coach, well, lets just say the word "stupefaction" came to my mind as well as a lot of you out there. Jim Harbaugh…Are you kidding me? Jim Harbaugh. Jim Harbaugh is your next coach? Jim Harbaugh? Somewhere Jim Mora is smiling. On the basis of what? That he did a pretty decent job in his cameo appearance down at the University of San Diego…That’s what this decision was based on? I thought Stanford people were considered to be "bright ones", "smart ones", but then again if that’s indeed the case those who fall into that category are usually street stupid.

Speaking of which, for a former NFL quarterback, it would appear that Harbaugh isn't to smart and lacks common sense...A perfect fit. He might be more knowledgeable about the game of football than Joe Six Pack, however since arriving in Northern California to try and resurrect this football program, it appears that a few things might be hampering what he envisioned. One would be the school’s renowned high academic standards…The second would be Coach Harabaugh’s cake hole. Ever since taking on his new role, well, lets just say he’s been a journalist's and blogger's dream. I don’t know about you Big Jimbo, but I don’t know if I’d be pissing off every other school in the Pac-10 considering you’re in charge of the cellar champs of the conference. I think Joe Six Pack would agree with that too.

For his latest open mouth insert foot act, Jimbo takes a shot at rival Cal's academics… From an interview with The Stanford Daily:

TSD: I see most schools across college football selling out in order to win: taking kids that wouldn't get into that school if they didn't run a 4.4, funneling them through easy courses, looking the other way when they get into trouble. You mentioned Michigan, but a lot of Stanford fans would say that's the route Cal used to turn its program around. What do you think? Do Stanford and Cal differ in terms of how they prioritize academics and football?

JH: I don't think there's any doubt about it. It's a pretty wide gap. Right now, Stanford is No. 1 in the country at 92 percent graduation, and Cal's at 44 percent. So, I'd say they're cutting some corners.

ZING…I know numbers don’t lie, but, well….ZING, that’s all I got! All I have to say is, watch out for "The Axe"…It might be used on you December 1. Although, the good news for Harbaugh, he only has seven other Pac-10 schools to piss off…Shouldn’t be too much longer to wait for that to happen. Hell, why stop there? Hell, there’s only 108 D-IA schools left to go before he's insulted everyone in college football. What program is his next target? Florida, Texas, Notre Dame, Oregon, Oklahoma…I’m dying to find out! Guess just the best thing to do is to stay tuned, because eventually Jim Harbaugh will check off another school on his checklist that he has in his office!

Other Harbaugh works of art this year:

-Saying alma mater Michigan's football program is far from superior in academic rigor compared to other schools.

-Suggesting USC coach Pete Carroll will leave his job this year, citing coaches on the USC staff. Carroll was miffed and barked back with this:
"If he's going to make statements like that, he ought to get his information right," Carroll said. "And if he has any questions about it he should call me."

One question….How smart does the genius at Stanford look for hiring this clown now? Before they were just bad in football…Now they’re still bad, but have a coach who loves to pop off at the mouth. For this is the only time Stanford Football gets any attention…Well done chiefs! Awesome! He’s making you people look like the complete dumbasses you doofs are when in comes to the world of "Common Sense"! Book Smart, Street Stupid! Jim, a word of advice, do not only yourself, but your team a favor too…SHUT THE FUKC UP!

Do You Have a Chubby4Tubby?
If so, please refrain from showing it…For the love of God. Although it is encouraged that everyone shows off their Chubby here at the official "Show us your Chubby Page" http://chubby4tubby.com/showus/default.aspx.

Ever since the launching of FireRonZook.com the phenomenon of creating websites by crazy and sick (by sick, I mean sick in the head), individuals, including yours truly, the art of fandom has reached levels that our father or grandfathers couldn’t even have pictured sitting in front of their RCA boob tube. Just when we think we’ve seen it all, the bar somehow gets raised even higher. We should give mad props to those Minnesota fans who have seemingly done this with creating the ever popular website in Gopherland…www.Chubby4Tubby.com.

Now I can understand what Gopher Nation, (if such a place really exists) is all fired up about! For they should be! Having acquired hands down the best basketball coach they’ve ever had…It’s a given that Tubby Smith might be the best thing to ever happen to the University of Minnesota…Well that, besides a sheet of ice. But a resume which includes a shit load of SEC titles and a national championship…The Gophers along with their fans can’t wait for hardwood season to show their extreme passion by sporting one of these beauties…None other than a sharply design, but yet cost effective CHUBBY 4 TUBBY T-Shirt. Coming in three different colors…Ranging from sizes Medium up to 5XL, (for the Gophers biggest fans, and I do mean biggest) costing from anywhere from $14-$17.

The best thing is they allow you to show off you chubby…To see how good it looks on you. This all got me thinking…Well, I'll show you mine if you show me yours!

For the record, I’m having a tough time deciding what color I want to show my Chubby Pride off in. I know the color white makes everything looking bigger. Yellow makes your chubby standout from all the rest…And well, maroon, that’s where I draw blanks?

Get in on the Tubby-Chubby Pride today…All major credit cards & Paypal are accepted! Let’s Go Chubby…I mean Tubby!

Watch George Steinbrenner Like Nobody Has Ever Have Before

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjekF24XKb0

Turns out Old Cranky George filmed this spot for Adidas back in 1999. So how come it never reached the boob tubes? Good question…According to Sports Business Radio, Steinbrenner's wife Joan banned the commercial from ever airing on TV because she wasn't comfortable with her husband showing so much skin. Oh yes, that hunk of a man that he is…What a BEEFCAKE! Heavy on the BEEF!

What’s more unacceptable society? Amanda Beard showing the world her goods in Playboy or George Steinbrenner displaying that yes indeed he has a nice set of man boobs…Did you get a load of that rack? Although Joan, thanks for looking out for our best interest in helping ban the ad, but this country has a thing called censorship, thank God! I’m doubting this would’ve past it for public viewing.

Phil Mickelson, eat your heart out!