“Better Get Your Kleenex Ready”!
Is there anything more humiliating than being invited to a little get together, a party if you will and being asked to bring something to the gathering only to forget it on the freaking kitchen counter! Is there anything more aggravating than that? I suppose so, but thus was my dilemma yesterday…And let me tell you it burned my ass with a Capital B! The kicker was I had it all set to go, sitting next to my Playboy magazine collection, (yeah, you gotta pass time somehow when preparing a dish…thank you Miss January) although perhaps this is why I indeed forgot it in this first place! And by the time I remembered it, well, it was too late…I already pulled into my “boys” driveway.

So what was it that I forgot? I only forgot the Orville Redenbacher popcorn…Damn it! It wasn’t just the typical Movie Theater Butter, oh no! It was the newest flavor in the Redenbacher Popper…The Ultimate Pigskin gag brand. Incidentally I got a hot tip on this early in the week where one of my sources informed me they’d be serving giant size portions at both the RCA Dome along with Texas Stadium on Sunday…So he sent me a box.

Man, what a tale of two days over the week…I guess that’s why we attach different names to them! And we all thought Brett Farve playing in the snow like a five-year old was a story line. We all thought Tom Brady setting another freaking record was something…And Ryan Grant gagging on his popcorn only to melt the Seahawk defense like it was in fact melted butter courtesy of the Lambeau snow. Yes, we all thought that was good to munch on…And then yesterday came!

It’s kind of ironic that both Phillip Rivers and Eli Manning, two names who will be linked forever, seemingly had the same long shot odds of winning their respective games on Sunday. At the same time, it seemed like it was only a formality that the Colts would travel to Foxboro and the Packers would make the treck down to Texas Stadium…And again, that’s why you play the game(s)! Perhaps this might be a reason why Phillip Rivers relished the fact of talking shit to Colts fans. I’m guessing he’s not very fond of them, just a hunch! Perhaps this is why it’s abundantly clear that Brandon Jacobs doesn’t really like the play clock in Texas Stadium? Now both are 60 minutes away from the Super Bowl…Holy Shit, are you serious? Both quarterbacks who do a pretty damn good job of imitating a bad case of hemorrhoids as one never knows when they’re going to flare up, are both one win away from Glendale! Mind boggling! Gee, I’m curious as to what Marty Schottenheimer? Whatever happened to the outcries of “Bring Marty Back”! Or this one, “Wonder What Pete Carroll is Doing?” This real easy, toying with the Atlanta Falcons like “Candy the Sripper” inside various gentlemen clubs across the country! Working for that popcorn!

So what’s Marty thinking of the Powder Blues now? Well who knows since he has made like he’s a Geico Caveman. What I do know is Peyton Manning better be counting his blessings that he got the monkey off his back last year…Now he said he didn’t want a “pass” for this season, although he’ll get it anyway! Yesterday the elder one went back to his “popcorn gagging” ways again! Although, he’s never actually flourished under the bright lights of playoffs. What is it with the guy and the post-season? Last year, they won without “Mr. Pep Talk” having relished…Almost like the won despite of him. That, and oh yeah…It doesn’t hurt to be going up against Wrecks Grossman in the Super Bowl either! Speaking of pep talks how awesome would that be to send Peyton one since he’s always telling peeps that they “suck at golf”, “buy bigger shirts”, etc.

Hell, why not just send one to Tony Romo too! Was it just me or did Romo actually look like he just lost his dog sitting there in front of the mics answering questions last night? Or maybe he got a text from Jess telling him that’s it over? Guy looked like a deer in the damn headlights…Although it was an improvement from last year’s “Bobble Boy Press Conference”! I know, I know…I shouldn’t be talking about Romo this way! It really is unfair! Why? Because he’s Terrell Owens teammate…Whatever that’s worth? Oh yeah, that’s his quarterback too…Again, whatever that’s worth? Most importantly though, Terrell Owens said so! Oh cry me a river! Oh that’s right, he did!

Forgot, he’s such the humanitarian! Always going to bat for his quarterbacks….Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb love you too big boy! All this love coming from a guy who told “his quarterback’s” girlfriend to stay away! What a swell guy! One thing he neglected to mention was “Getcha Kleenex Ready Because it’s Going to be a Show!”

And that it was…Just a show! Nothing more, nothing less! A pity party instead of one of a popcorn variety. Although the good news is Owens can pop all the popcorn he wants from the comfort of his own crib and stuff his popcorn hole with as much as he wants sitting on his couch watching Championship Sunday! However I must agree with him and say the Cowboys did lose as a team! It wasn’t Romo, wasn’t Owens…It was a collective loss. Offense didn’t make plays against the vanilla defense of the Giants, defense didn’t make plays when they needed to, special teams sucked ass! So yeah, it was a collective bomb job.

The one thing that personally draws tears to my eyes, (would somebody pass me a Kleenex) is not the fact the Cowboys lost and now Jerry Jones and T.O. can make like cavemen and disappear for about six months, (notice I didn’t say Romo…the paparazzi won’t let that happen) it’s the fact that I still have all this popcorn from yesterday. What am I going to do with it all? DAMN IT!!!

Texas Stadium Not Serving "Romessica Popcorn" on Sunday
That big, Texas sigh of relief you smell…Yeah, no, sorry, it’s not coming from Terrell Owens’s cake hole, surprisingly! And no, this time it’s actually not being blown by George Wiener either, (something he’s been good at over the past few years. Instead this Texas Tornado is being blown by none other than the fans of the Dallas Cowboys…Turns out they were all holding their breaths and turning bluer than the rare blue jerseys the ‘Boys wear from time to time, but good news for all of them! They can breath a little easier now! Why? Oh, that’s real easy! Jessica Simpson isn't going to be in attendance when the Cowboys play on Sunday. So who really gives a shit if T.O.’s going to play or not…Simpson won’t be in the building!

While this is the best news a Cowboy or Fox viewer like myself can have, (won’t have to watch Fox turn a NFC Divisional Playoff game into a "What’s Jess Doing Now Telecast" courtesy of the horn ball directors in the truck for about 1,000 cutaway shots that she and her pink jersey would provide) for the Giants and their fans, well could the news get any worse? There goes the "Romessica Popcorn" advantage they seemingly were going to have! My advice, leave a couple tickets for her and her entourage, (mommy and daddy…since they have to follow her everywhere she goes to keep explaining to her that Romo isn’t really throwing a pig to Jason Witten…No, No honey, it’s pigskin. I know it’s hard to distinguish the difference) as they can be honorary guests! Hell, if Jerry Glanville can do this for Elvis, surely New York can do this for her!

As for the reason why blondie won’t be shaking her tat-tats in a pink number eight jersey in Texas Stadium…Well, here’s the song and dance to that!

"She is not attending. She's working on a new album," said Cindy Berger, publicist for the dishy distraction. "She will not be there, but she'll be watching [on TV] and cheering [Romo] on."

Gees, almost as bad as Owens publicist! Working on her new album…Funny, I didn’t even know she had a singing career still! What, is she doing collaborations with Britany Spears? Are they planing on making a comeback together…"The Comeback Duo", AWESOME! So then believing Berger’s "hogwash" about the "album work" and not being there…How the hell will she be able to watch the game if she’s in fact "working"? I take that back, Cindy’s making T.O.’s publicist, (excuse me, former) look like a freaking genius! Perhaps Berger is somehow related to Roger Clemens.

Working and watching a football game doesn’t happen…Period, (as Rafael Palmeiro would empathetically waggle his finger at)! Much less for Ms. Blondie Juggs! Hell, before Papa Joe and Mamma Tina told her what a quarterback was, she thought it was some kind of freaking refund…And that’s no lie! So I’m guessing she doesn’t even have the ability to walk and chew gum…Never mind "working and watching a football game"

Although by staying away from Texas Stadium, well it shows that she might have some common sense! Seeing as since her boy toy sucks ass when she’s in attendance! I wonder who provided her with this common sense? Big Poppa Joe or Big Momma Tina? Because we all know Romo didn’t convey the "stay away" message to her! Perhaps Terrell Owens? Nevertheless, while the real Jess won’t be live and in color at Texas Stadium, rest assured that the few Giant fans who will be in attendance will have to rely on pasting Simpson's head to a stick if they want to distract Romo from the task at hand.

While it didn't work in Carolina, the last time I checked the Giants don’t suck balls like the little putty cats, so one Tony Romo should be free to focus on Michael Strahan and the rest of the Giants defense. Of course, even without Simpson at Texas Stadium so to speak, (please see "head to a stick" if Romo should play poorly in a Cowboy loss he'll catch flak for spending time south of the border with the songbird.

You think Romeo might get distracted by this if this clip was played on the JumboTron Sunday…?

Just something to pass the time by during those boring ass television timeouts!

Now that’s one hell of a TV timeout….To go along with one hell of a distraction, regardless!

Are Your Pants "Heated" Like Ms. Josh Brown?
Forgive me for not chiming in on this yesterday, but I had a busy "Hump Day"! Like we all should have! There’s nothing worse than poking keys on hump day when one should be poking something else! Honestly though I had to get my Colgate smile worked on, (or in my case Crest) everything checked out good so I don’t have to be concerned about setting a metal detector off the next time I pass through. My day wasn’t just that…No sir! Afterwards, I went all over God’s creation looking for some "Hot Pants"! The exact same kind as, (although in a smaller size…and no, I’m not trying to indicate anything ) Seahawks kicker Josh Brown will be wearing when his team does battle with the #2 seed Green Bay Packers in the "Frozen Tundra" this Saturday evening. I believe the correct terminology to describe them is "heated warm-up pants" that are installed with "battery-powered heaters for the calves, thighs and hamstrings."

Brown told KIRO Radio that "no matter how low the temperature drops his legs will be 75 degrees". What he neglected to mention is that the misses will be kicking in Green Bay this weekend instead of him and whether or not these "hot pants" will be (hot or pastel) pink with purple poke-a-dots or whether they’ll be something of the see-through variety? And of course, will they be with or with lace? Don’t get me wrong I love "see-through", but for the love of God, don’t do that! My personal opinion, go with the lace kind…It matches you cleats better! As if your life doesn’t suck already! I wonder how many fans attending the game in Lambeau Saturday are going to try and stuff the tailgating Weber grill down their britches before entering the gates? My guess is none… So with that said, I guess they just have bigger cajones than you! See pansy ass, they aren't afraid of a little cold weather.

Poor Bitch, (I mean Joshy) has to rig his pants with heaters like he’s a freaking walking Cadillac Escalade on the sideline to keep his calves, thighs and hamstrings warm. This would potentially be excusable if Wisconsin was in for temps dipping into negative numbers…A great technique that most likely would’ve came in handy for that damn "Ice Bowl! Instead it's going to be around a balmy 28 degrees. I want to know what happens during the course of the game if it starts raining, sleeting, snowing, or any damn combo one can think of will Brown get electrocuted like he’s a dog at Michael Vick’s house? How awesome would that be to see! I can just see the headlines now! Some teammate needs to give him a Gatorade bath to in fact see how the "hot pants" take on water. Are they in fact water-shock resistant?

Speaking of which, why doesn’t his teammates jump on board the "Hot Pants Express"? Oh yeah, that’s right…All his other teammates have "grapes" down stairs! Though this is actually a pretty ingenious idea. In the past, kickers used to have to stay warm by stretching on the sidelines or practicing field goals until their number was called upon — oh the humanity. Now, with heated pants not only can little Joshy keep his grapes warm, but by doing so he’s proven what everybody has known all along…That kickers aren’t actually players! Brown has removed any actual work he has to do to earn his paycheck in between the mere 77 plays that he had to take part in of the 1000s that the Seahawks executed this season. I can just see it now…"A kicker no "hot pants" clause will be adopted by "kickers fraternity" next season to somehow try and escape this humiliation that Brown has brought to all kickers! And somewhere Morten Anderson’s kicking himself in the grapes over all of this shit! Hell, Super Jock has bigger grapes than you!

Although fellas, we shouldn’t deny that we sometimes get "hot pants" too! Honestly mine ignite the moment I step into the Vagina R' Us gentleman’s club! Or perhaps this video might fire the pants up a bit? Though I must warn that this comes with a "Hot Pants" warning! None the less sit back for the next 2:35 and see if this can start a fire in the britches! Enjoy…Oh yeah, and don’t poison yourself!

God Damn, Hulk Hogan doesn’t have nothing on this broad when it comes to ripping the shirt off! Look for her to be coming to an episode of the "All New American Gladiators! And for Alice Cooper’s, well, he’s still doing his thing! Rock on Brother!

Why Didn’t Romo Just Make a Run to Taco Bell?
Man, there’s nothing like a good vacation! It allows one to get away from all the hustle and bustle in their lives and just enjoy life for a while. It allows one to get away from hearing all this Roger Clemens "Enemy of the State Wire Tapping Bull Shit"…Thus I’m guessing is why one Mr. Tony Romo would fly the coup to Mexico with his eye candy sweetheart during his playoff bye week! Why else would he? It’s not like he doesn’t have anything better to do, right? It’s not like he doesn’t NEED to beat the Giants this weekend otherwise the Cowboys season goes up in smoke again! It’s not like "Bobble Boy" needs to redeem for last year when he got that nickname! Oh no, none of that…Instead let’s have a rondevous with Jess! My guess is this was her idea because you know damn well she has no clue about anything, much less what’s at stake for her Boy Toy this weekend!

All this from a guy who cut ties with Carrie Underwood because he "wanted and needed to focus on the season". Um yeah, Tony…Hate to inform you, but your season has just started! Although it’s good to see Jess has already rubbed off on you in regards to not having a brain cell in your head! Because if you did, you wouldn’t have taken a great escape to Mexico! Hell, if you wanted to cross the border isn’t there some local Taco Bells in the Greater Dallas area you could’ve done it at? By chance, did you see Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, or Brett Favre down there as well? No? I'm guessing because Brady spent some quality time with Giesele Budchen, Manning spent 168 hours studying tape and Favre rode his tractor. What do all these activities have in common? They are done so from the home…These three understand making a secret escape during the postseason is not the way to go! After all, couldn’t you have waited a few more weeks for a vacation…Last time I checked you were going to Hawai’i.

Although that vacation may come sooner than you think, Bobble Boy! See the last thing a playoff team needs is distractions going into their game(s)…And like it or not Double B, whether it was your intent or not, well you just created one! Now of course Wade Phillips sees it in a whole different light and could give a rats ass about it…Sure he does! All he’s trying to do is defuse it so he and his team can concentrate on the Giants…That’s his job.

"[Romo's] a celebrity and he's dating a celebrity," Phillips said. So that becomes news. Tom Brady's dated several gals, and they report on all of it. "I try to treat my players like grown men. Everybody has their own private life. Everyone on our team that's not married dates somebody."

And his daddy’s name is Bum…So sorry, that nice P.R response doesn’t cut it with me Wade! Oh yeah, and Bum’s son…Brady has proven himself! I think he has three rings? What does Romo have? Well, I think he’s one hell of a "purse holder", (notice I didn’t say "field goal" holder)!

Added Patrick Crayton: "Hey, hey, we're talking about the game this week. We can talk about Cancun after the Super Bowl."

Exactly P.C., why not visit Cancun after the Super Bowl…That’s of course you cats make it that far!

See Mr. Simpson, (no not O.J. or Jessica’s daddy either) back to the whole "distraction" thing for a second. You of all people should know first hand what distractions do to teams, (please see your BFF Terrell Owens for that)! Last year was one big one! Having to answer bull shit about bull shit isn’t healthy for a team! And last time I checked your last couple games of the regular season were less than stellar too! Why put yourself out there and create more issues for yourself, instead of concentrating solely on your job…You know the things that odds are that Brady, Manning and Favre were doing? It’s no coincidence that your downward spiral started when your relationship with the blonde bombshell went public! For once I think T.O is really on to something! If Owens wasn’t liking her popcorn then, I can just imagine the kernels that he will spit if the G-Men send your sorry ass packing this weekend!

Undoubtedly Romo needs a big game this weekend more than any other NFL player. In big I mean the size of Jess’s breast…And oh yeah, a win for the Cowboys! If he comes up small and the Cowboys lose, he may still be a star with the People Magazine crowd, but he'll be known to football fans as a playoff choker who cares more about being a celebrity than being a quarterback given the fact that that would be two consecutive years that you’ve gagged on popcorn!

One final thought…For the life of me I don’t know why Romo doesn’t take a page out of Nick Lachey’s playbook and just HIT IT, QUIT IT, AND SPLIT IT? Oh my God…I just referenced Tomy Romo to Nick Lachey! Your life is over pal! And personally, like many…I can’t yet until Sunday to watch you gag once again!

For viewing the paparazzi pictorials of this "weekend extravaganza" check out the love birds! From FLYNET ONLINE via The Big Lead.

During the Roger Clemens Coverage a National Championship Game Broke Out
Actually I was beginning to wonder…I mean why do we seemingly care! Look Rog, no matter what you do, what you say, how many phone conversations you tape, (illegally I might add…I give a shit what your attorney says) you’re never going to clear your damn name no matter if your lying through your teeth that you can "pull tractors with" or honestly telling the truth, we, (the public) don’t give a shit! So take your medicine, whether that be a B-12 shot or whatever, your own advice pal and walk away from the game! Pull the plug on everything!

Speaking of pulling the plug…I wish somebody would’ve pulled the plug on the damn Fox coverage of that so terrific game last night. In all honesty, I couldn’t decide which made my ears bleed more…The Clemens coverage or the Suckeyes pretending like they actually belonged in this damn game! Okay, OSWHO didn’t get their nuts crushed by 27 points like they did a year ago, (only this time losing by 14….Good job Coach Vest, you cut the deficit in half) although we all knew that the outcome was just a formality…The only question would be the final score! And for those who not only thought the YUCKS had a chance last night, but actually believed the MUCKS were going to win…Well I guess you’re the same people who think either ("A") Britany Spears won’t end up doing herself in in 2008…Actually lasting the entire year. Or ("B"), well, there really isn’t a ("B").

Look, shouldn’t the BCS provoke some type of ban on the Big Ten Conference playing in National Championship games! Do it in the best interest of college football, PLEASE…Because if you don’t you’re going to have to start put "Advisory Labels" across your telecasts! I mean, as I wrote even before this season kicked off posing the question "Will a Big Ten School Ever Win a National Championship Again, (look for it in my archives). Of course, that was before Richy Rod turned in his couch burning skills all the while back stabbing those supportive couch burners for that whore Ann Arbor, but only now do I think it’s might be possible!

Can you imagine what it must feel like to be an O-S-WHO Nut…Because honestly, I can’t! I mean, My God…Being bridesmaids after a while must really blow! In all actuality, you’d have to be a Nut! The Ohio State University is quickly turning into the Buffalo Bills and/or the Altanta Braves of college football…Enough already! Make like Roger Clemens and simply go away! Do you think for one second that on the same night of consecutive years, both respective opponents Florida and LSU just so happened to play their best games of the season? HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO…I wonder why that is? It’s simply due to the fact that Big Ten football blows goats! The reality is that in the national landscape of college football they’re seemingly no better than the peeons that make up Conference USA! Let’s disregard Michigan’s "win one for the Gipper" thing against Florida…The conference saving graces are Penn State’s win over Texas A&M and Purdue over Central Michigan on a last second field goal. How awesome is that! Hell, the Big Ten should be slobbering and thanking the Wolverines for hiring Richy Rod…Perhaps he can bring the conference up to date with the latest trends in college football because Coach Sweater Vest has repeatedly fallen flat on his face trying do so! Because right now the Suckeyes are the laughing stock of the nation, and are nothing more than a joke! Falling into that Britney Spears train-wreck category!

I must say watching that bull shit last night I got a chuckle out of something Charles Davis said, (yes, I know, everything that C.D. says is funny…although this is). He said something to the realm of peeps in Columbus thought the Nutcrackers "were a year away!" Is that so…A year away from what? Competing for a National Championship? Really, I didn’t know they were going to take on Appalachian State. Being as how that’s the only way they might have, (notice I said might) a chance to actually win a little Waterford Crystal Football! If that’s really the case and if people honestly believe that, what the hell have they been doing the last two years besides making everybody’s ears and eyes bleed watching them get blasted!

You would’ve thought Jim Tressel might had learned a thing or two over the last 365 days…Oh, that’s right, he’s a by-product of the Big Ten! And their "football", (if that’s what you want to call it) doesn’t stack up to a YMCA team must less big time college football! The good news for this entire conference is that there’s a new sheriff in town…His field name is Double R. His game is the spread…Kind of like pigskin injected with B-12! And inject some pride and respect into a conference that’s nothing more than laughable at this point! Welcome to college football Big Ten! So nice of you to join the rest! And to Jim Tressel…Good Luck because right about now this little ankle bitter has more talent than what’s in C-bus!


Not to be outdone by this little tike…

"I said enough!" I’m storming off the podium now!

The Eenie-Meanie-Minie-Moes of College Football
At long last, this edition of the college football season will commence this evening…And in doing so, not only will it end an entirely way too long bowl season, (can I get a hallelujah, followed by a hell yeah) but it will also leave us feeling like the lovely ladies working the corner of suck & fukc. Now don’t get me wrong, we all love climaxes, (right fellas) this game tonight although it will officially end the season…Although a climax is a long way from being reached!

All the BCS games have shown is what basically we already knew…Illinois had no business going to the Rose Bowl! Hawai’i was just a fraud…They were Boise State wannabes! Two BCS games that that couldn’t rake in more viewers than a Brady Bunch Marathon on Nick at Nite! Am I the only one who still has a thing for Marsha after all these years? No…Let’s not have Georgia and USC in the same game…Two of the best teams in the country. Two teams that deserved to play each other…No lets not do that! Well, that just makes too much sense, so I’m going to stop right there! Though I will say DAMN YOU ROSE BOWL…DAMN YOU BCS!

How awesome would it have been to see a West Virginia-Kansas matchup…My guess, um…Pretty damn good! Perhaps then I wouldn’t have been stuck with eating my Orange Bowl tickets for this year, (sad, but true story…not that I’m bitter or anything). Damn, two games, four worthy teams of staking their claim towards the nations best team…Oh well, tonight once again we are left with so many questions than answers. Hell, this is worse than having driven down to the corner of suck & fukc, having “Victoria” get inside the vehicle…Paying the piper for whatever “floats your boat”, (or should I say “shakes & rocks” your ride) and having her say “time’s up” and flees your ride like a bat out of hell with you sitting there, with, well shall we call it “unfinished business”

Some say “that’s the beauty of college football”…Huh? Now, we all loved playing the game “eenie-meanie-minie-moe” when we were little ankle biters, but is this really the answer to crown a National Champion? I’ll be honest, I prefer duck-duck-goose myself…Or how about picking teams out of a hat? Whoever Miles Brand picks out of that hat is the National Champion! If that doesn’t float your boat, how about picking a number between 1-119, (or however many teams are in I-A…Yes, I said I-A). “Musical Chairs” might be a nice touch! Honestly though, I must say I’m a big fan and totality biased towards duck-duck-goose with the participants being “one hit wonder” Bill Stewart , Pete Carroll, Mark Richt, and Mark Mangino! Sounds comical, I know…Truth is, it makes a hell of a lot more sense than what we’re going to watch this evening! With both L-S-WHO and O-S-WHO quite simply being the benefactors of what is pure ridiculousness…Nothing more, nothing less! Although at least the BCS is consistent…For this same bullshit happened last year when the Gaytors were by-products of the system! Only difference is/was…Both polls last year went along with that bull shit and looks like this year only one will because all the coaches don’t have enough grapes to say anything!

So Co-National Champions…Again! How awesome does that sound! Again! What a shame! We witnessed undoubtedly what was the single greatest college football season ever only to be left at the alter…Again! It’s for this reason, and this reason only why “bowl season” keeps getting less and less important to me! It doesn’t make my blood bubble like “Victoria” in the Buick Regal! At least she stays and finishes what she starts! God love that dirty hoe!

Honestly, (I hope I’m not turning gay of something) but I’ve actually watched more hockey than college pigskin throughout the “bowl season”! Now that’s some scary shit! How awesome was that Winter Classic? Surprisingly the bowl game that I’d watched the most of was, get this, the New Orleans Bowl. Why? Long story! It seems that’s the growing trend and annual answer at seasons end of the college football season too…Tonight included!

So who’s the best team in college football for 2007? Is there really an answer to that question?? All I do know is that the two teams who are taking the field tonight, one of them will be crowned National Champions…Now is that title deserving? Let the debating begin my friend…That’s if it hasn’t done so already!

See ya next year for the same bullshit song and dance!

How Drugs Can Help One Get Out of Prison…The Michael Vick Phenomenon
What’s up bitches? I’m back! However, before I begin I’d first like to send a shout out to Dr. Phil for being so worried about my well being that he personally escorted me from that holiday season foxhole I’d crawled into which I was just about to inject myself with a shithouse full of Vitamin B-12 shots to get through the hustle and bustle of bowl season to my lovely Dell Dimension computer, (the Dimension 2400 model) with the 17-inch monitor!! Thank you Phil Daddy…I can honestly say I’m back to my old self because of that cat!

Perhaps Big Phil’s next escorting service priority could be to escort Michael Vick to his "Drug Rehabilitation – Special Program"…And my friends there you have our awesome judicial system! While MV7 is still public enemy number one when it comes to the "free world", for cats, (notice I didn’t say dogs) who are incarcerated and are on lock down in lovely penitentiaries across the country, well they just love the guy! My guess is in more ways than one, but hey that’s just a guess! For he’s showing his mates how to look for loop holes in their respective "pen contract" that each prisoner signs…God, how Drew Rosenhaus must be so proud!

Wow…This is one hell of a good program! Allowing inmates to wipe off up to a year of their sentence if they complete the drug treatment program. So let this be a lesson out there to all current inmates or those who are kicking the idea around of becoming one…How to beat the system, just admit you have a drug problem and agree to a treatment program and your 20 to life will become a mere 10 years! One hell of a trade off! Why I can just see the line forming now to sign up for the lucrative deal…With potential bonuses! Your serial killers, your rapists, the screwballs who have rap sheets longer than the brand new roll of Angel Soft I just put in my pottyroom! Even if you don’t, hell act like it! In the words of Don King, "Only in America"!

Only in America can some shit for brains kill, rape, or whatever else have you, but if you have a drug problem and want to get treatment for it while in prison…Well by all means go ahead and then the sentence somehow gets cut in half. Just a thought here, but why wouldn’t you want to sign up for this "Special Program"? I mean, it’s not like Vick or anybody sporting the color orange has anything better to do!

Although, how awesome is this? Being a drug addict can actually help your sorry ass! HUH?? Are you f-ing serious! What is this…The newest version on Monopoly? We suddenly have a new version of "Get Out of Jail Free Card" I wonder if Rae Carruth has tried playing this new version yet? Who gives a shit how this affects Vicks NFL career if there still is any? Roger Goodell will have to end his indefinite suspension, he'll likely have to pass frequent drug tests, and probably most importantly, he'll have to find a team willing to have a dog killer/ "recovering drug addict" on their roster, with all the bad publicity that will come with it. So good luck with that future Mike, but getting his prison sentence reduced for in essence what is "A dog, (oops, my bad on the pun) ate my homework" judicial clause is mind boggling! Not just in terms of Vick’s case, but everybodys! Only down side…And surprisingly there is one! The only place for this "Special Program" is at the Leavenworth, Kan., federal penitentiary. I’m guessing home of the "Betty Buttaface Beauty Pageant"…Right across the street from Muffy’s Smorgasbord! Which should be noted is open 24 hours…You know, in case the "wee hour morning munchies" set in! All I can say is, there goes that early 90’s drug campaign! You know the whole, "this is your brain and this is your brain on drugs…Any questions"? To everybody’s reply we say can we get some bacon with that. However, we should’ve been saying, "can I get out of jail with that!!??!!"

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Just let this be a lesson…DO DRUGS!! It’s your best move!!