Dad Buys Son a Mike’s Hard Lemonade at Tigers Game…Awesome!
Imagine this if you will…Pops takes his young ankle bitter to a baseball game. I guess it’s not really hard to imagine because for some reason this is part of being a father when good ole Willy produces a boy. Even so, when good ole Willy becomes Silly Willy and shoots out a girl, dads still takes the little princess to games. I suppose it’s in the fatherhood criteria. This story’s no different with me and my pops…Although I’m so thankful he never took me to a damn baseball game! I can’t sit through that shit now, much less back then! For me it was always Notre Dame football games, (when they actually mattered and could really play football) and Chicago Bulls games, (when Doug Collins was rockin the curls) yeah, long time ago! The theme was just to have fun…And it was disappointing when the game was over and had to go home. Not because I didn’t want to, simply because my great day of fun had ended.

One thing though, (and I’m guessing I’m not alone here) my pops & I always returned home safely. I mean, it wasn’t anything like this Ann Arbor couple's 7-year-old son who actually ended up in foster care over a Detroit Tigers baseball game. Gees, I knew the Tigers were bad, but having DCF at Comerica Park…Yowzers! So what’s all the hubbub about?

Christopher Ratte, 47, a professor at University of Michigan, (keep this in mind, and oh yeah…GO BLUE!) claims he accidentally gave his son, Leo, some of the alcoholic beverage at Comerica Park a few weeks ago. He said he didn't even know the alcoholic lemonade existed. The alcoholic beverage that Dumbass Dad is referring to was none other than a good old Mike's Hard Lemonade. And you’re a professor…Nice! Real nice! Thanks to Chris this actually proves a couple theories to be correct. Seeing as he’s a professor, I’m guessing he’s "book smart". I hope so, because he just showed everybody he’s street stupid. And the second theory is that I keep making references about Cavemen still roaming the earth…It’s safe to say Chris is straight from the Geico gene pool! I mean really…Who the hell in their right mind doesn’t know about Mike’s Hard Lemonade? Especially when you work on a college campus! Never seen those television spots either advertising Mike’s? For a cat who I’m guessing doesn’t like "the dog ate my homework" excuses, um this sure sounds like one.

"I got a beer for myself and asked Leo if he wanted a lemonade because there is a sign that said, 'Mike's Lemonade,'" said Ratte. He said he bought his son the drink at the beginning of the Tigers game and it wasn't until the ninth inning when a security guard noticed the bottle in Leo's hand. Awesome! Way to employ top notch security there, Tigers! What’s the matter? You broke the bank in free agency and, well, whinos living under bridges come dirt cheap? And David Stern thought he had problems with the Detroit Pistons security staff…No Dave, I’d say it’s lacking city wide. Didn’t notice it until the ninth inning? I mean, I’ve never been to a Tigers game before, but I’m betting it’s not that exciting…I’m also betting that observing an ankle bitter who’s in the process of getting blitzed making out on a Mike’s Hard Lemonade isn’t really that difficult to spot…That’s just a guess!

However, never fear, once the security guard sniffed some smelling salt, coming to his senses, he asked Ratte if he knew it contained alcohol. He said he didn't and when he went to grab the bottle out of the child's hand, the security guard grabbed it first. "It's just the simple fact that I didn’t know this brand and didn’t suspect some of the lemonade sold in ballparks are alcoholic." Again, let me reiterate…You work on a college campus, and it’s not just some college campus like Waffle House University, it’s Michigan! Next I guess you’ll say you had no idea Lloyd Carr doesn’t coach the football team anymore!

The security guard said the boy drank about 12 ounces of the hard lemonade, which is about 5 percent alcohol. The child said he was feeling a little nauseated, but showed no other symptoms of being intoxicated…Damn, ankle bitter downed it like a true champ! One question I have…Was he in fact nausea from the 12 ounces that he slurped down or was it in fact that he was watching the Tigers? Do we know for sure?

The down side to this was our Kiddie Lemonade Lover had to remain in foster care for two days before his mother, a U-M architecture professor, was able to take their son home as long as the father relocated to a hotel. Now I don’t know what’s worse…Having to answer to Child Protective Services? Having to answer to wifey after he was allowed back into the house? Or simply being recognized as I’m doing here as a complete shit for brains! That’s a tough call! Though in Dumbass Dad’s defense I will say that as an ankle bitter myself I was allowed to make out with Old Style/Miller Lite on occasion…Though it wasn’t a whole 12 ouncer, more like 3-4. And when the next piss came around it was all gone, bye-bye! . And it certainly spelled relief for me too! I’m sure I’m in the majority on this as well!Oh well, just goes to show…Another day at the old ballpark!

What’s the Over/Under on the Pat Riley “Official” Retirement?
Isn’t ironic that on the same day that Pat Riley decided to show the sports world that he’s nothing more than an egotistical quitter, the Orlando Magic finally won a playoff series since the first time since the glory days of Shaq & Penny. Yes, the same Orlando Magic who employs Stan Van Gundy as their head coach. The same SVG who “wanted to spend more time with his family so Pat Riley could win another NBA Title.” Wow…I guess there’s something to be said about karma! D’OH!

In a move that surprised nobody, Riles stepped down, deciding to ride of into the sunset yet again, (well, that’s for the time being anyway). Do him and MJ have something going on to see which egotistical asshole can walk away from the game the most? The only surprise about his decision to quit is that it came at the end of the season…That he and his ego stuck it out through the entire season, (discounting the last remaining games of course when he had “to scout” because my dog ate my homework too) which none of us thought would ever happen. At some point we figured to hear, “I’m worn out…I can’t do this anymore…My health is failing,” during the course of the season, not yesterday. Now I’m not the sharpest tac on the tac board here, but Pat you’re all those things because your team sucked donkey balls this past season…Don’t kid yourself asshole! If you were making another championship run, you would’ve felt like you drank a case of Red Bull everyday!

I get it Pat, it’s the ole, “whoa is me” song and dance! “Please for the love of God feel sorry for me that my team blew goats this past season!…Pretty please!” Sorry asswipe, nobody does! Um, who put that team together? Who the hell in their right mind put that sorry ass team together, Mr. Basketball God? Oh yeah, how could I forget, that would be your dumbass! I suppose it’s an all-star team if your playing in the South Florida Nursing Home League, (which should be noted that it’s a very competitive league given all the talent down there) but that’s about it. Gee, I guess you’re not the Basketball Einstein everybody thinks of you to be, now are you? Actually, I tend to think you’re a better back stabber than you are a coach…And especially a better back stabber than a team president! There’s no question about that Pat! Although, I must give you a little props on that…I know this is going to kill me, but go with it, I’m having a moment! Somehow, someway you found a sucker in Steve Kerr, (sorry Steve, there’s one born every minute…You just picked the wrong minute) to take The Big Fat Ass off your hands. And right now Kerr’s looking for a tree that he can tie his short rope around!

The only question I have regarding stepping aside is when will the return of Pat Riley to the bench take place? We all know it’s going to happen….We’ve been down this road three others times with him. We know how the book ends, just not this chapter! Does it happen when the Heat is on the verge of making the playoffs? How about making the second round? Conference Finals? Or will it happen once again when the Heat are three minutes away from The Finals and then he’ll get a bug up his ass once again and decide to make “The Perfect Murder” sequel? Michael Douglas ain’t got nothing on you boy! See, this is precisely why that having former wonder kid, mail boy, and current Riley puppet taking over the Heat helm is the perfect fit…Simply because nobody in their right mind and with any credentials wants to work for your ass! Always looking over their shoulder…Wondering “when Pat’s going to go Samurai on my ass?” No way Jose…Hell no! Nobody in their right mind wants to work under those conditions…Walking the sidelines in a fencing suit just to protect oneself! Although good ole Skippy from the mail room doesn’t care…Simply because it’s cold and dark down there, the question remains when will Skippy get butcher?

Yes Pat, you might be a Basketball Hall of Famer…Although very few people outside the profession see you as such, (hell, it might be inside the profession too)! The way I see you is nothing more than Phil Jackson’s little bitch…We all know that still burns your ass! Oh, but that’s not all…No sir! You have an ego larger than life and some of the best back stabbing techniques ever! Oh yeah, and one other thing…You’re nothing more than a quitter! Plain and simple!

Although allow me to suggest something if I may…I’ve notice that Stan Van Gundy is good in front of a microphone after games. You may want to call to see if he would introduce your sorry ass on induction night. Oh wait, I just remembered he may have a conflict of interest and might be busy that night coaching a playoff game! D’OH…My bad, jerkoff!

Mike Bibby Thinks You Are a “Bandwagon Jumper”…Are You?

By now much has been made of Mike Bibby “opening pie hole insert foot act” yesterday regarding his thoughts on those oh so die hard Boston Celtic fans. Another classic sound byte from an athlete who suffers from “looselip” disease. For those that somehow haven’t heard Bibby’s spit at Celtics nation, well, I’m glad to see there are still cavemen roaming this earth…Never fear, I gotcha covered.

"They were kind of loud at the beginning," he said. "But a lot of these fans are bandwagon jumpers trying to get on this now. I played here last year, too. And I didn't see three fourths of them. They're for the team now and they might get a little rowdy but that's about it…I remember them having bags on their heads [last year]. It's a different look. I guess that's what happens when you win."

Couple thoughts immediately come to mind here. A big ZING…Followed up by how much did Bibs spend on that gasoline in Beantown to add to the fire? I guess it doesn’t really matter…I’m thinking he can afford the gas prices, good to see somebody can! All this coming from a cat who played out in Sacramento when the Kings were really like the Queens…Not seeing “three fourths of them”, and the fans who did show up did so “having bags on their heads.” Remember that Bibbs? How quickly we forget, son! Not only that, you play for the Hawks now…A NBA franchise that can be mentioned in the same breath as the Los Angeles Clippers for futility. Why in Atlanta, there’s bigger crowds at the many local YMCA’s in the Dirty-Dirty for the past decade or so than in Phillips Arena. Hell, you cats finally make the playoffs…Finally resemble some sort of NBA team, (and I use that term loosely) and have yet to sell out Phillips Arena for Game 3 Saturday. So what’s better Mike? Having “Bandwagon Jumpers” or no fans at all?

Look, just because you got your undies in a bunch after Game One and then again last night, don’t go spouting off on the fans. We all know that the city of Boston has some of the best fans in sports…Some will argue that Beantown is in fact the best sports city in this country. So I’m trying to figure out where you choose your comments to spit from? Although in your defense, if one really thinks about this, you might just have a point…However, it’s not just the Celtic fans who are guilty of it, it’s all of us! And if you say you’re not gulity of this, well then you’re just lying through you teeth!

Think about it, shall we. No matter what teams we cheer for and hold near and dear to our hearts, (man, if that didn’t sound gay, I don’t know what does) it’s easy to watch them, whether on the couch at the crib watching the game on the boob tube, scratching ourselves to no end…It’s easy to be a fan then! To root for winners, that easy! The difficult task is when your team blow goats, just as Bibby indicated of the Celts a year ago. Bibby said he “didn’t see three fourths of them last year,” there’s a good reason for that. Most likely having to due with a little word call economics. Why does Joe Six Pack want to payi his hard earned money and sit through the misery of watching his beloved team get their brains beat in? Aside from economics, what pleasure does one have, (besides getting away from the ball & chain for a few hours) sitting in the stands watching his favorite team get dusted?

True story, this past October I flew up to South Bend for the USC weekend…I know, I know, what the hell was I thinking! And after three minutes had elapsed in the third quarter, my time inside the stadium had elapsed as well along with a few other thousands who headed for the exits at the same time. Point is as sports fans, we love watching sports because they’re entertaining and fun to watch…Loving to see our team(s) win. And when the losing sets in which it does for all sports team…Well, the constantly losing of our beloved teams makes one want to watch those damn info-mercials more and more!

So while Bibby made reference to Celtic fans riding on the “Bandwagon” something can be said for all of us to be guilty of this at some point. And truth is, it’s not a bad thing, but rather quiet natural!

What Would You Do With $175,100?
Goodness, with that amount personally I’d have to say I’d love for nothing else to live the life of Pacman Jones. And what do you know, I’d have enough to live in his world for 48 hours with even about $15,000 left over after I shower God’s gift to mankind, AKA polehuggers. Of course all this is on the contingency that I survive my two day stay in Jones’s world…You know, in case one of the stray bullets just happen to nick me. See, on my bank account, well it only allows me to dine at Waffle House, but I’ll have you know it’s the fanciest Waffle Houses you will ever find. For two days living the life of Pacman, when my tapeworm kicks in, I’ll just have my entourage escort me on over to Scores for a little binge & grind!

Now that’s just me, others would care to blow that amount in other ways…And to each his own. Unless of course you’re Jewish and resemble a frog’s ass when it comes to the finances, water tight! Yes, $175,100 can buy many things…Why it can even buy you a month full of gas for your whip, imagine that. There’s a number of different ways to blow that amount, up your nose, on call girls for life (might I suggest Candy), in the market, (don’t mind that crashing sound) etc, and so forth. How about blowing this amount on a David Ortiz Jersey? Would you do that, huh? Not just any Big Papi jersey, you won’t find this one in your local Champs, but rather under the new Yankee Stadium…Yes, sir, I’m talking about once-buried Ortiz Red Sox jersey which was removed on April 12. This beauty brought in what one could pay for a cheap ass Ferrarri…No offense to Ortiz, but I just don’t see any women getting turned on by a dirty, rat infested Papi jersey. Sorry! But it does come with free shipping!

So yes, this once buried jersey is just the latest chapter in the Yanks-Sox rivarly when a construction worker—a diehard Red Sox fan—secretly buried a David Ortiz jersey in the concrete of the new Yankee Stadium in hopes of "cursing" the new ballpark. Kids, they do the darndest things! What an ingenious idea…Why didn’t anybody else think of this? Of course that’s water under the bridge, although it’s good to see that this bonehead idea eventually paid off in the end at gave "2004carmen", (whoever the hell that is) a nice big fat tax right-off…Gotta love anytime you can screw Uncle Sam! With 100 percent of the proceeds of this jersey/auction going towards charity to benefit the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and the Jimmy Fund.

Although is it just me, but does anybody else think this is the least bit odd? Well there’s a no brainer, of course it is…It’s on eBay! Ninty percent of the shit on there is odd! Remember life before eBay? How did we function? It’s the only place where one can score a Man-Ram BBQ Grill & a mangled up and buried Big Papi jersey. Yes, you can get anything, and I do mean anything on eBay! I have a 1997 Seattle Mariners Ken Griffey Jr. Teal Majestic Jersey I wore during my high school days, (senior year…ah, the memories) was thinking about parting with to help raise funds for when I go out to Hollywood in two weeks…Proceeds of the auction with go straight to me. Bidding starts at $50

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=120248650648&ssPageName=STRK:MEWA:IT&ih=002

Auriemma – Summitt…Yes, it’s Still on Like Donkey Kong
You just have to love women’s college basketball! Wait a minute, did those words just come out of my cake hole? I swear, I’m not drunk…At least not yet anyway. After this spit, I may start making out with Jack, but until then I have one thing to say. God bless Title IX!! Hip, hip, Hooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy Beer!

What in the hell is going on with me today? I, usually like most, fall into the majority of peeps who despise all women’s sports…Sorry ladies, mommy said always tell the truth! Honestly though, I have a soft spot in my heart for women’s softball…Wonder why that is? Oh yes, now I remember! Nonetheless, I’d figured it would be a great time to come out of the closet, (don’t worry mom & dad, you won’t have to disown me) and just state my love for women’s college basketball. Yes, it’s a fine game…What’s not to like? There’s "nappy headed hoes" running around in oversized tank tops and shorts, (that if shortened a bit, might just draw in more viewership) sweating to no end…I mean, what’s not to love? If you don’t love watching ladies drip in sweat, well, you’re just not living I guess? Although I will say, it’s just too damn bad that they actually try to score the ball…However, if one can overlook that, hell it’s a beautiful thing to watch!

Along with all this comes the fact that women’s college basketball somehow needs to find a way to incorporate and bring back MTV’s Celebrity Death Match, but first an Amber Alert would have to be sent out for Mills Lane…What the hell happened to the old geezer? Why incorporate this into the women’s game? It’s real easy! So then Pat Summitt and Geno Auriemma could "get it on!" Not literally, that would just be plain gross and down right scary… Figuratively here peeps, figuratively! To say these two are like oil and water…Well, that’s putting it very nicely!

Over the years, Pat and her Vols, along with Geno and his Huskies have help turned peoples perspective on women’s basketball…Some would even go as far to say these two, along with their respective schools, helped geared the way for the WNBA! The Tennessee/UCONN game helped bring women’s basketball to a national audience…And now what paved the way for women’s basketball has suddenly been blackouted because of the same heated rivalry which help in promoting the game! One of the best rivalries in all of sports had it’s plug pulled.

What caused to pull the plug? Geno said Tuesday that the regular-season series against rival Tennessee was canceled because Lady Vols coach Pat Summitt accused the Huskies of cheating in recruiting practices. All along Summitt when posed the question on why this heated rivalry would come to a halt would only offer up a "Geno knows" response. So what does Geno know? Good question and Geno finally spilled the beans saying…That if Summitt would not explain, he would. You go boy, put that bitch in her place…Do it the Italian way! Rock out with your, well you can finish it……………….
"Pat knows ... So she should just tell you why instead of saying, 'Geno knows.' I do know," he said. "I already told you. She accused us of cheating at recruiting. She doesn't have the courage to say it publicly. So yeah, Geno does know. And I've said it."

See, I told you my passion ran deep for women’s college basketball! The cheating he’s referring to is a secondary violation of NCAA rules in connection with a 2005 ESPN studio tour that the women's basketball office arranged for then-top recruit Maya Moore. Yeah, and I have a paper cut too on my finger so I can’t pop my zits, (I don’t use Proactive…Don’t have a crater mug like Diddy). So here it is 2008 and Pat still has her granny panties in a bunch, (God, I’m hoping she wears granny panties…Anything else would be just gross) from back in 2005. Glad to see to she doesn’t hold any grudges!

To see these two lovers quarrel makes my day…Although, isn’t this being a little petty and childish from Summitt? Hello, it’s the NCAA…Everybody cheats! If you don’t cheat in some fashion, well chances are your program sucks! It’s not like UCONN offered up an Escalade to Moore or $500,000…It was a tour around ESPN. That’s like loaning your friend back in third grade some milk money so he doesn’t gag to death on that "cake-like" substance they put in the "lunch surprise" meal…Yeah, it was some surprise! I’m sure I’m not alone when I say if a school arranged for me to take a tour around ESPN that would automatically not want to make me sign with them. Remind me not to play Tecmo Bowl with her, I’ve been diagnosed with the ever popular "wandering eyes" syndrome! It’s along the same lines as what you’re crying foul about!

Auriemma said last year that Summitt could not publicly explain her decision to end the series because "she would be put in a position of needing to back it up." And on Wednesday Summitt declined comment. God, I love women’s hoops! I’m going to miss all this…There’s always the Final Four! My fingers will be crossed and so should yours!

Why Are We Always Dissing the Spurs?
Okay, so perhaps “dissing” is the wrong term to use, but lets think about it…For a franchise that has accomplished what they’ve done over the years, compiling what can be thought of as the second greatest dynasty since the Bulls had their sick run, (and if it wasn’t for Jordan who had the ridiculous thought enter his head about he could play baseball, it would’ve been an Eight-Peat) but yet we give them about as much respect as the L.A. Clippers. It’s along the same line seeing a Playboy Playmate in the same light as a 260-pound wideloader coming from the Golden Arches…Look, just because they’re both blonde, (or brunette, whichever you prefer) well, that’s the only thing that these two beauties have in common.

Unlike the two lovely ladies, if the Spurs go on and win another championship this season, (which is a big “if”) some might argue that what they’ve done surpasses what the Bulls did all throughout the 90’s. I for one don’t think so seeing as I’m from Chicago, but in reality that argument just might be a valid one…Especially given what the strength of the Western Conference was this year. Of course I’m putting the cart before the horse on that, but it’s really mind boggling to think what this team has attained over the years, but yet they always seem to fly under the radar. All the Spurs seem to be known for is Tony Parker’s wife, funny, last time I checked she’s always in the stands…The Spurs should be thanking God for her, she’s the one that puts the team in the news more times than not. Who would’ve thought that? A team with a collection of quality talent, to go along with one of the best big men in the game…A coach who has to be considered one of the best the league has ever seen. All that compiled into one team and yet it’s one of the players wives who brings the attention to the team.

It’s very difficult to understand this notion when it comes to the Spurs and the public perception away from the Riverwalk. Outside of their city, they’re thought of as nothing more than….Well let me just put it this way. Riding up and down on an elevator all day long has more thrill to it than what the Spurs have to offer! And that’s just it right there…The Spurs might be one hell of a basketball team, organization, etc., might be one of the greatest teams this league has ever seen to lace them up, the brand of basketball might be delighting to watch, but that’s where the amusement ends when the final buzzer sounds. Outside the basketball lines they’re nothing more than stiffs…Tim Duncan, the face of this franchise, transforms back into a mime who goes back into his little box and everybody else seems to follow suit! Of course I’m guessing the Spurs don’t give a shit about this, just as we don’t give a shit about which Hollywood star got busted last night for picking up a prostitute (hey, a guy has needs). This perception of them over the years has remand consistant…There’s something else that has too, them winning title after title!

So is it the lack of star power among this team not willing to venture out and do endorsements…Thus the reason why we don’t pay attention to the Spurs? Of course, no doubt, that has something to do with it. Is it also partially due to the fact that they reside in Texas…And well, besides farming, selling oil and football that’s really what the state is all about. So what the hell is it then? Why do we look at this team/franchise as a case of hemorrhoids? Knowing full well they’re there…Just not paying any attention to them??

One thing I do know…To have one of the best team in the leagues history reside in San Antonio, Texas, well David Stern can’t be all too please about that! “Go Lakers and Celtics!” That’s a wet dream come true for him!

Would You Draft Darren McFadden? I say "NO"
With so many questions surrounding Saturday’s Roger Goodell’s telethon, this has to be the most enticing one. That is of course you’re if a Miami Dolphin fan or for that matter a fan of a team who blew goats last season to be rewarded a high draft pick, then you’re mostly interested in who your team selects. Personally, I think the draft is on the same bore fest level as the Rockies and Padres playing 22 innings, but hey, that’s just me. Some people get their jollies off on all this action…Then again, one can make the comparison of the NFL Draft and a strip club. Everybody’s so gifted at their craft, which one do I choose? Who’s going to best suit my needs and give me the most bang for my buck? Always wanting to choose wisely…Never wanting to go wrong! Is it Bambi or Matt Ryan? Cherry or Chris Long? Jake Long or Thumper…This is a very serious dilemma, I know!

One constant name that has been brought up in all the hype surrounding the draft is that of former Arkansas running back Darren McFadden. Now look, we all know what he has done on the field in Fayetteville…His talents are/were uncanny. However, so what! So was Reggie Bush…Who has turned out to be way over-hyped. Not saying this will be the case with Run DMC, but very few players who come into the league with this much hype actually live up to their billing. Sure, all the GM’s see "another Adrian Peterson" in this cat…A game breaker, a game changer. Although, to make that comparison is purely insane. Besides having the same position attached to their names, well that’s where the comparisons between the two should end. Peterson is more of a punishing runner who’d rather run through tacklers than around them…McFadden’s just the opposite, more of a make you miss type back. So all these GM’s salivating over "the next Adrian Peterson" I guess haven’t really done their homework on him.

One thing that GM’s have done their deep cavity homework on regarding McFadden is his character and how he spends his time away from football. Let’s see, 2 kids out of wedlock…Couple bar fights in where he was defending family members, a mother who loves those "white lines", hmmm? I know, we can all relate to defending our family members…Anybody would’ve done the exact same thing! Point is, all this before he has an eight-figure bank account. Can you say Red Flag…Thus, the dilemma GM’s are having. What happens when this cat has millions in there? Well, I guess one can say that’s the million dollar question, (no pun intended). With the league/teams putting so much of a priority on one’s "character" and not wanting to have another Pacman Jones or Michael Vick thorn stuck in their side, the question becomes do teams roll the dice on him? It’s not like the draft isn’t a crap shoot anyway, because it really is…Teams select players, hoping they work out, but that always isn’t the case. There’s going to be no sure fire things come Sunday…Because wasn’t Michael Vick, Ki-Jana Carter, etc. supposed to be those? Um yeah, they were!

So do you or don’t you roll the dice on him hoping that in fact he closer resembles an Adrian Peterson as opposed to a cat on the Cincinnati Bengals All-Pro jail team? There’s no clear cut answer regarding that question, some say, yes, some say no, some have "I don’t know" responses. And to think, all this hubbub has to do with teams passing on Adrian Peterson…Really, isn’t this what it’s all about? Isn’t why this question is being brought up? The fact of the matter is teams had concerns about Peterson, selecting to bypass him and then having to eat crow for the entire season last year. Teams don’t want it to happen again…Wanting to make a splash with McFadden?

So what’s going to be Run DMC’s fate Saturday? Would you put your grapes on the table and draft him? Honestly I would have to pass for a few reasons. A running back’s life span in the league doesn’t really hold any value…Only having four years or so. With teams converting to two backs systems, the value isn’t there as well. Having said that, it seems more and more teams are finding backs to fit their system late in rounds, undrafted, or hanging out on other teams practice squads. In addition which might be the most important, I don’t want to have to worry about this cat away from the football environment…What’s he doing at 3 am? Is he "defending his family" again?

So are you a worrier or going to be a non-worry-wart?

Would Somebody Give Christina Bosh Her Pacifier
A funny thing happened to me this weekend. Doing my regularly scheduled activities over the S-Days, (can’t tell you what they entailed, because then all the damn Donut Pounders would come out of the wood work for my ass) a prominent known home owners association Board of Director member made some inappropriate remarks towards me…Testing my manhood. I just got one thing to say to that…Nobody does that kind of shit to me and gets away with it! While some fellas have grapes down stairs, well I, I have grapefruits!

So when this jerk-off decided to get brave and open up his pie hole, the community newsletter wanted my side of the story…Thus I spit back with this:

"If you have respect for someone, you expect that same respect back." "If you're a classless person like that, I mean, I guess that shows how you are, what kind of person you really are. ... I don't have to prove anything to that guy, plain and simple. If that's what he wants to do, that's what he's going to do. If that's what makes him happy, to try to bring other people down, good for him."

As you can see I was so mad I could spit nails…I’m just glad he didn’t compare me to Manute Bol! Because, then then it would’ve been on like Donkey Kong, jack!

So Chris Bosh is all upset that he got compared to Manute Bol…I wonder if Stephen A Smith would’ve compared him to Shawn Bradley or George Muresan would’ve he appreciated that more so? My guess is he would’ve got his Fruit of the Looms in a bunch even more so not liking the fact that he was compared to two stiffs, but two white stiffs. Good job on not making this a racial issue, Stevie! Mad props on that! Although perhaps S.A.S. thought that that comparison might have been an insult to those two big fellas. Man, can you imagine if Stephen A. pulled a Jim Rome-"Chris, I mean Jim Everett", (never can get enough of that) on Bosh by calling him Christina how bent out of shape Bosh would be? Man…I’m just really glad he didn’t go Jim Rome on his ass! It’s a good thing too…Because good old Christina probably would’ve asked Congress to step in to make the bad man stop! Making the Roger Clemens fiasco on the Hill look like child’s play!

Speaking of which, you got to be fu***** kidding me, are you for real Christina? Getting your panties in a bunch over being called "soft" by a member of the media. I was always taught that if the shoe fits, well, wear it…And apparently it fits perfectly seeing as since you snapped back at Stephen A for hurting your feelings. Although you know something Christina, you proved him correct…You proved that he was right! Because if you weren’t soft you wouldn’t have shown us that you have such sensitive-thin skin by feeling you had to respond in the matter you chose to! How long have you been in the league now Tina? Shouldn’t it be about time you try to come off your pacifier?

This is too funny, a professional athlete having a bone to pick with a media member…Worrying about what they say about you, no, that’s not being too sensitive now is it! That’s your own dumbass fault for having respect for them! I just want to know, after the big meanie said all those nasty things, did you go crying to momma, or was it the combination of Rasho Nesterovic & Jamario Moon who helped wipe back the tears? One thing we know about Stephen A. Smith, he’s never short on words and opinions…Telling it like it is! Never making up shit…So Christina, if you’re soft, well, you must be! True, more often than not Smith does look and sound like an ass but, hello, that’s his job! Hello, he gets paid for that…Just like you get paid for putting the ball in the basket and throwing block parties! Perhaps the Raptors are paying you to suck on your thumb too, who knows? And to think, all this belly aching coming from a cat who made his own "Vote for Me All-Star Campaign Ad"…So we see the kind of mentality we’re dealing with here!

Though I must say, being compared to Manute Bol, I think that Stephen might’ve given you a little too much credit there boy!. Bol’s a gentleman to be credited for his political work on behalf of change in Darfur. And Christina, what have you been credited with besides having the God given talent to suck on a pacifier…Without a doubt you can do that with the best of them! And when I say them, I mean all the 1 to 3-year olds whose parents give them theirs to shut their yaps! So why don’t you do the same, Christina!

What’s Jerry Jones Thinking…Does He Even Know?
You gotta love Jerry Jones! He wants to win so bad, he’ll do whatever it takes…And players just love playing for that kind of owner. An owner not afraid to go out and spend money like it grows on trees, (because for him it does) to put the best team he can out there on the field. Yes, we all know Jerry is power hungry…Jimmy Johnson can attest to that, but Jones won’t stop at anything to bring another Vince Lombardi Trophy back to Big D, to relive those glory days in the mid-90s, which ironically hasn’t seen a title since Johnson took off for the Florida Keys, (Barry Switzer just got lucky).

Everything was seemingly going so perfect for Jerry last season, that is until Jessica Simpson got in the way. Known for his shrewd business moves he took in a troubled Terrell Owens, which incidentally didn’t work out relatively bad last season. He acquired former Bears troubled Defensive Lineman Tank Johnson to try and help bolster a questionable defensive…The verdict is still out on that acquisition. Now, for the past couple months speculation has swirled around JJ acquiring troubled Titans cornerback Pacman Jones. Why just yesterday I questioned why Jones would want this headache? We know this is a lose-lose situation…It’s only good for the Titans to see if they can find a sucker to pawn him off to. And it seems Jerry is so obsessed with bringing another trophy back to Dallas that he’s lost all sense of reality!

Now true Roy Williams is best known for his horse collaring around the league as opposed to his play. Terence Newman is well, lets just say hasn’t panned out like he was expected to. So they may need secondary help, but is Jones with it…Um no! So that was my spit yesterday, before Chad Johnson went off yet again, with the latest from Chad’s cake hole… "I want to be traded before the draft, and if that doesn't happen, I want to be traded as soon as possible,'' Johnson said. "I don't intend on reporting to anything.'' I have a few questions on that…So is it before the draft or ASAP? Which one is it? Is this like when Carmelo Anthony said his DUI was nothing more than just bad timing on his part, nothing else? Good to see Chad’s reaching into the "Kobe Bryant"bag of ploys, "I want out now…Well maybe, at least that's my plan"! Nice! Did Drew advise you to throw down the gauntlet yet again?

Of course we know that the Bengals have turned a deaf ear to this…So they can hear all Ocho’s mumbling, but somebody can. And that somebody, wow, what do you know…Why it’s Jerry Jones. Surprised? I’d be more surprised if penguins didn’t where mittens! Reports coming out of the Lone-Star state have Jerry Jones and the Cowboys eyeing yet another trade, huh?

Asked if he would consider making a draft-day trade for a veteran receiver such as Cincinnati's Chad Johnson, Arizona's Anquan Boldin or Detroit's Roy Williams, Jerry Jones told reporters in Dallas, “Yes,” before punctuating his remark with a smile and a wink. Okay, we all know GM’s around the league love blowing smoke up everybody’s asses leading up to the draft. Although with this Double- J cat, where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire! Are you serious? You want Chad Johnson to Jerry? I mean he’d probably be your best receiver, but how well do you think that would sit with “Mr. Getcha Popcorn Ready”? Chad being the go to guy, when Romo’s looking for Chad more simply because he’s better…You think that’s going to sit well? If you do, then I must be doing bed exercises with a Playboy Playmate or a porn star! Conversely, if Romo decides to throw in Owens direction more so than Chad’s because that’s his BFF, or excuse me, “his quarterback”, how well is that going to sit with Chad?

Bottom Line…It’s mass suicide! I don’t know what’s the worst recipe for failure…Acquiring Pacman or acquiring Johnson? Now surprisingly I could see trying to bring in Roy Williams or Anquan Boldin, from the standpoint of it gives you another big time legitimate weapon to compliment T.O., plus those two guys are used to playing along side other big names and can give a rats ass of their production. Although I’d be surprised if Jones decides to go that route…If he can get Johnson, he’s going to get him! If he can get Pacman, he’ll get him! Just got one question…What the hell is Jerry thinking? Looks like he’s just grasping for straws hoping something works!

One more thing, perhaps he might want to think about bringing Quincy Carter back! It would be a nice touch!

Kyle Turley Spits at Robert Smith for Good Reason…It’s time to Put the Baby to Bed!
Have you ever wondered what life would be without sports? Just think about it. How bad life would suck! Where for the most part life would be, well, lifeless! I mean who would want to live that kind of life where we suddenly have to be entertained by the nagging ball & chain…Or if that’s not enough entertainment for ya, for a double shot of entertainment one might choose to be amused back the damn crickets who always seem to park their asses outside your master bedroom AKA, “Where the Magic Happens,” and chirp at all hours of the night. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about!

Everything about sports is entertaining to us…Something the ball & chain will never understand! Best described…She has her shopping, we have our sports! It’s on the same level with no understanding for both. From the sports arenas to the media airways we find ourselves being entertained, not the kind of entertainment found at your local “pole huggers convention”, but you get the idea. At times it’s difficult to figure out what’s more entertaining surround the world of sports…Is it the action inside the sports arenas or the action throughout all the media outlets with sound bytes? I guess this varies on who your teams are and how bad they suck! Nonetheless, sound bytes always have a knack to capture our attention…Why just yesterday take Charles Barkley’s comments regarding what kind of collection of dumbasses the Washington Wizards have, or Ben Rosthisberger’s comments in reference to Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson…Phil Jackson’s “Brokeback Mountain comments” early this season. The list can go on and on…All of which were funny and at least for a couple seconds makes us chuckle, until the ball and chain suggest us to take out the trash, to which we reply “Yes, Dear!”.

The best kind of sound bytes are the ones that get heated followed by so many “BLEEPS” we really can’t get the gist of what was said. Now that just pisses me off! Damn you FCC! These are the ones that seem to leave a lasting impression in our noodles…And while from time to time we may forget get our anniversary, well, we never forget these! And thanks to Kyle Turley, who announced his retirement from the Kansas City Chiefs this year, and who just happens to be one of the most outspoken players the league and who’s currently one of the most outspoken opponents of the NFL player's union, for giving us another radio edit. Before I get into Turley’s spit, just me say, I’m a Turley fan. Anybody who can discus throw a football helmet and achieve a World Record in the process, well, how can you not be a fan of his? Honestly though, how can’t you love a guy who’s not afraid to speak his mind whenever he chooses? Not holding back…I mean really, if an athlete is going to sugarcoat shit and say the politically correct thing just so he can pacify peeps knowing full well he doesn’t mean a word of that shit, knowing full well that isn’t him, then why bump the gums? And a majority of athletes are guilty of this for not having enough grapes to spit the truth!

So his little beef came on the Dan LeBatard radio show, (I’m not sure if I like LeBatard…Sometimes he’s funny, but other times he seems like he flew over the cockoos nest one too many times. A Pedro Gomez type weird if you will), with former Minnesota running back Robert Smith who incidentally is one of the most passionate supporters of the union. Oh shit, not a good combo…Um, now might be a great time to hide the women and children! I see sparks about to fly and perhaps an occasional F-Bomb, with the occasional “BLEEP”…Love those!

Turley’s spit at Smith before Danny Boy had to pay some bills…
"This is a serious issue. Families are affected, people are becoming homeless, living in shelters. Do you not see a problem with that? Well, f- you, then!"

After that they took a brief break, and then Turley continued:
"You know what? It's near pointless to speak to this guy, OK? Because he's not listening. People are not listening."

Smith's response:
"To say that the union doesn't care just isn't true ... To say that I'm not paying attention, that I'm not listening, that it doesn't make any sense to talk to me - man, I've been doing this for 15 years, I don't get a dime for it. I do it because I care about the players, every single player that's ever played the game or that will play the game."

Here’s some more to chew on…


Man, how juicy is that? And the blonde bombshell who works out at the local gym parading around in them tiny shorts with “JUICY” spelled out across her nice tight ass thinks she’s juicy? Sorry girly, hate to tell you, you’re just a tease and Kyle Turley’s juicier! Oh man, did I just say that? Don’t feel bad sweety, those Clinton-Obama debates aren’t even that juicy…Perhaps Kyle could help us all out and take his debating abilities to the political form? It would make for must see tv.

As we all are aware when it comes to the NFL Players Union, well lets just say it’s not a big secret that they seem to do as little as possible and that Turley’s right, more needs to be done…For lack of a better term it’s a joke! Because of these penny pinchers there are too many former NFL players living with long-term health problems from the injuries they suffered in the league.

Again, it’s all about dollars & cents…And Turley make perfect cents! WHOA…There’s a frighten thought!

Question: "What’s the Over/Under" on Pacman Jones F-ING Up Again?
Lately all our ears have been bleeding more and more and will continue to do so until the damn NFL Draft, AKA Roger Goodell two day telethon, finally commences and Mel Kiper Jr. can finally return to his roots somewhere under ground for the next ten months. There’s only so many mock drafts one can take! When did they start becoming asshole-like? Now that’s not a cheap shot at Mel, because really the guy’s brain teases drive me wild…And honestly that’s what Mel does! He’s like an exact replica of a groundhog…Human version 7.0! Anyhow, Todd McShay on the other hand, well lets just say I wish MTV still had its Celebrity Death Match around so Mel could go to town on his punk ass! As one can put two & two together and (hopefully) come up with four, I like him as much as us guys like to get vasectomies done! Like everybody else they want to be a Kiper-Wannabe!

With the draft only ten days off, the questions surrounding the telethon make like California wildfires raging out of control…With everybody blowing smoke up everybody else’s hinnies. The closer we get, the hotter the flames are, (go figure, isn’t that how it usually works? Wow, I’m a genius). Although there’s been smoke for a better part of a month regarding this thing that will finally happen next weekend and really, if we think about, it’s the re-birth of Pacman Jones coming back to all the media outlets, particularly the ones with the call letters of ESPN. It’s practically how it was before Michael Vick took all the cameras and the heat that went with it off of him!

I can’t decide what’s worse…All the damn mock drafts, or "Pacman’s Nightly Updates"? What will Roger Goodell do? Will he reinstate Jones? Well, we all knew that was going to happen? What will the Tennessee Titans do with him? Will they try to dump his sorry ass? Gee, another surprise their! Will the Dallas Cowboys and Titans finally get a deal done? Now here’s where it becomes somewhat foggy. Get a deal done before the draft, if I was a betting man, (which I’m not…I’d rather do my best Pacman impression and throw my money away by showering all the pole huggers with my Ben’s) I’d think a deal is likely to get done. Now, get a deal done with the Cowboys? All the Titans want is for some sucker to come in and take their headache away and I’d say that’s their best shot to dump Jones’s sorry ass and pawn him off on his ass. Notice I said sucker there. J.J. has a resume filled with taking in "headaches"! Hmm, let’s see…We have Terrell Owens, "Tank" Johnson already in Big D and now Jerry Jones wants to bring in more trouble…Now if that’s not totally awesome, what the hell is? Boy, there’s a recipe for success if I ever saw one! Giving new meaning to the term, "Triple Threats"…Yeah, that would definitely apply! Good Job Double J and, well, if the shoes fit, well walk in them Jer!

Although I must point out that nobody’s asking the correct questions regarding the Pacman situation…The questions that are being thrown, well, we already know the answers to. He’s going to apply for reinstatement to the league, though he now plans to wait until he's traded before seeking commissioner Roger Goodell's OK to play pro football again…But Jones changed his tune and told Hall of Fame wide receiver Michael Irvin on ESPN 103.3 Dallas that he would await a trade first before seeking reinstatement. "I'm hoping it will be done this week, but that's just agent talk." Aw yes, only in America can a crack head not only have his own talk show, but be inducted into the Hall of Fame in August…Don King, where you at boy? Surprise he hasn’t tried coming to the aid of Pacman. One thought here about Jones talking to Irvin…Um, yeah, see, that might be a smart thing considering, well, considering the source! I’m sure though that Irvin would suggest he’s trying to help guide Pacman away from Inky, Blinky, and Pinky. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhtttttttttt Mike, and he can start chilling with you…There’s a novelty idea!

Man, with all this Pacman talk it’s making me want to get on the sticks like Donkey Kong! Okay, bad reference, but have to admit, it did fit! So getting back to the question that nobody seems to be asking is, "What’s the over/under on Pacman having his next brush with the law?" Because you know it’s going to happen! Come on people, can we get some insight on this…This is important shit here! Come on Kiper, where you at on this? We need to know how to bet in Loss Vegas! We all know it’s going to happen, the question is when. You may be able to take Pacman out of the strip club, but you’ll never take the strip club out of Pacman! And that’s a fact Jack, or Joe, or whatever the hell your name is reading this far down!

So with PB&J coming back to the league, (which is a formality) will Goodell go Myles Brand on his ass with that "Zero Tolerance" bullshit"? Honestly, I don’t see how he can, he may want to, but compared to Chris Henry, Jones is in Double AA ball and Goodell hasn’t done one thing to Henry. What will Roger demand from PJ. We already know he can’t live up to Goodell’s expectations of him staying away from strip clubs. I’ll have you know though, it’s not as easy as it sounds! I mean this isn’t easy it stay away from…(Well worth watching the first 2:57), Roll it!

You feel me?

So we’ll see…We just know once a screw up, always a screw up! Pacman’s no different as he’ll follow suit! Again, it’s not a matter of if, but rather how long will it take? Step right up and place your bets here peeps!

David Beckham & Reggie Bush Sharing Fuootball Insights…
All I got is, I found it entertaining…Then again I’m easily amused! You should see me at strip clubs!

Sport videos
And after all that, these lads left out the most important thing…Who has the hotter chick? Can I get a mock draft on that? Perhaps he'll put more points on the board for the as their kicker as opposed to trying to impersonate a starting running back in the NFL. Or any running back in the NFL for that matter!

How Did You Spend Your Masters Weekend?

Was it spent anticipating another weekend charge by Tiger? Was it spent anticipating a collapse by the names on the top of the leaderboard only best known from doing a Google search? Was it spent by watching CBS’s wall-to-wall coverage, sitting on the couch, watching the boob tube without a care in the world scratching yourself to no end…With the only care coming, and to why you could stop scratching the grapes. In that case then, well, you just might want to get that checked out! Who knows, you just might have made one to many visits too Amy’s Crab Shack-House!

Nonetheless, we all spent out Masters weekend differently…I’ll be honest, from Thursday through yesterday, I’ve watched more damn pond skating over the last 96 hours than I have in years. Why you ask? Hell if I know! Only thing I could come up with was, “they say”, (whoever the hell they are) that we like to do our best dog eating impersonations and love to gnaw on ice when we’re sexually frustrated…Perhaps watching all that hockey was trying to tell me something? Well, that’s a whole other cup of ice chips…However, it might be wise for me to consult with my doctor about this! Good thing I’ll be at the Playboy Mansion in a few weeks, help correct and get this problem under control!

Oddly enough the Masters wasn’t doing anything for me this year…To me, this years Masters was along the same line as “Fantasia” who works at Lipsticks hugging her pole to make a buck. Very talented, just those “flapjacks” she sports, well they’re just the same size as Tiger’s…Yeah, if that gets the blood bubbling, well in addition to the Amy’s Crab Shack-House issues and hockey concerns, looks like that might be the least of one’s worries! Don’t get me wrong, I watched Hootie’s tournament…I don’t know though. I guess it goes back to the ole Tiger factor…If he’s not playing in or contending in a tournament I guess, well nobody wants to watch “Fantasia” hug her pole! Can you say spoiled? Spoiled because he has done so over the course of the years drawing us to the game as we watch greatest as work, watching the ball, (for the most part obeying everything thing he wants it to do). We watch in awe, we, well, we love watching greatest at work and never seem to get tired of it. Yeah, I know, the Tigger one finished second and that’s astonishing considering that his putter went MIA aside from rolling that 80-footer in and thinking in was suddenly on like Donkey Kong, we all know that “distant” second place finish was simply due to the fact of names who had been in front of him falling off and burying their heads in the bunker.

What did we ever do before this cat? There was once a world without cell phones too…Holy shit! I mean, we watched the Masters just to see who was going to win the tournament for that particularly year…Boy, how times have changed! Now we watch every tournament TW’s in almost with a different agenda. To witness greatest, (sorry LeBron, you got a long way to go bud). Now some will argue the domination of the PGA Tour isn’t healthy for the tour…And I’m willing to bet those were the same peeps who were seeing Michael Jordan and the Bulls win title after title, seeing the Lakers do their own three peat. Greatest doesn’t come around like strippers in a club…It’s few and far between, thus the reason why we’re drawn to it! We want to see it every time we can. The reality is, like it or not, and like Tiger or not, Woods is golf and having him plastered all over the boob tube and in contention is what the majority of us wants to see and really is a wet dream for the PGA!

Now did we all feel good for Trevor Immelman last night? Well considering it was just four months ago, dude was in a hospital as doctors prepared to remove a tumor from his diaphragm, learning only after the operation that it was benign. So yes, I’d have to say it constitutes as a hell of a feel good story as Zach Johnson put the Green Jacket on Immelman…For the second consecutive year the Masters have brought two, golfers virtually unknowns and have written them in the history books forever. So much for needing that “Masters Experience” to hang a Green Jacket up in the closet!

Just I can’t help but wonder, what’s the bigger headline coming out of this first major of the year. Is it, Tiger will have to wait another year to pursue the Grand Slam…Something that we were all hearing so much about just a week ago. Or will it be of Trevor Immelman? Who? You know, that dude that actually won….The dude who had a tumor removed four months ago. Yeah, him! If I had to guess it’s just like everything else on the PGA Tour, it’s a Tiger’s World and everybody else is just living in it! Oddly enough, I think Trevor is just fine with that and relishes that fact that he beat Woods in a major! What’d you think?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?
That’s the question, whether like it or not Bill Self has to answer. And he thought deciding to play a Box & One in the second half of Monday nights game was a difficult decision…Sorry Bill, it fails in comparison! Reality is, you won the National Championship despite that bonehead call you made for a couple of possessions…Had the ability to change your mind! And thanks to the Memphis Tigers, they delivered you a championship ring on a silver platter!

On Monday, the wrong decision was to switch to a Box & One…So will Self make another wrong decision in figuring out whether or not he wants to leave Fog Allen for Eddie Sutton’s court? Now we know it’s not all about the money…Sure, and pro wrestling is fake, (or do I mean scripted) either! Before the nets were even cut down in San Antonio T. Boone Pickens sent his personal Orange & Black armor Brinks truck to go sit right outside your picket white fence in Lawerence. So what’s KU to do, but the next morning send a Blue & Red armor Brinks truck to the same location, (inside information…T. Boone’s truck is way bigger). Huh, look at that…All of a sudden, the KU faithful wants to up the paycheck. Funny how that works…Another school has a current employed coach at another school, willing to pay him Big Bucks, (with no wammies) and it takes another school’s action to cause a current school to react. Funny how that all works…Sounds exactly like women who can’t make their minds up in relationships, only until out of the blue her Mike Hunt is to be rumored with Muffy McBalls.

Now we all know the story regarding Pickens, who once gave Oklahoma State's athletic department a $165 million donation, (to help his taxes) could probably outbid any single Kansas booster. But with an extensive alumni base and a love of athletics, the Jayhawks are not without financial firepower of their own. But as the song and dance goes, it’s not about the money! Because I’m sure he’s not at all feeling unappreciated…No, not at all! When this cat just brought a national championship back to Lawrence for the first time in 20 years…When he coaches at a basketball school and somehow makes less money than Mark Magino! What’s up with that shit? My guess, The Fatass needs the extra cash to feed his tummy…Only thing I can think of! Yes, Quadruple MM has done a hell of a job turning around one of the worst football programs in the nation, but it’s a basketball school! Not only is it a basketball school…It’s one of the premier Division I basketball jobs in the country! For some reason however, the upstart football coach gets paid more.

Although I guess Kansas should be happy, to Self it’s not about the money “allegedly”…It’s more about the facilities. "People may misread this," Self said, "but I just want to make sure that we have the opportunity to continue to compete at the highest level. You do that with facilities, you do that with how you recruit, you do that with multiple things. There are definitely some areas that could be improved -- in large part, facilities." Nobody’s misreading it because it is true, the facilities play an important factor in any recruitment of a kid, but come on Bill lets not try to look for excuses now. Look, we all know that everybody likes to go home…Nobody would blame up for doing so, especially when you get to drive a Brinks armor truck to work everyday, (my guess gas is a bitch on that thing) but your’re at Kansas for God sakes! How bad could the facilities be? Come on now…It’s not like you’re at IHOP University, somewhere in Boo-Foo-Idaho. Or perhaps you’re just sore about being at a premier basketball school where the upstart football program seems to receive more? Pissed off at those wealthy KU boosters who are already paying for an extensive state-of-the-art football facility set to open this summer, including the Anderson Family Football Complex. I’m willing to bet that the little devil inside of you feels like nothing would feel better than to stick it to the Rock-Chalk-Jayhawk-Nation…Jamming your $1.375 million peanut annual salary up their tailpipes where they should’ve ponied up in the first place, to return home where you’d be God! Although a word to the wise, Eddie Sutton was a God there too until he started making out with Jim Beem!

If you’d leave, nobody would blame you, write you hate mail, threaten to kill your dogs and burn your house down…Well, outside the state of Kansas that is. However, there’d be good news…You and Rich Rodriguez could collaborate on a book together then. "If they're asked to make contributions, they will make contributions," Monte Johnson, a prominent Kansas booster said. "Our athletic director and chancellor knows the value that Bill has to our program. Bill has created a situation where he needs to be compensated for what he's done for this university, and he's done a lot." Knows the valve, rrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttttt! And if OSU still had Sean Sutton, the Lawrence Emergency Meeting with all the big time Jayhawk boosters would’ve never came to order…Just like pro wrestling is scripted too!

"All Oklahoma State has to offer him is money," "We're going to do our best to make him comfortable in staying. You work out a way to retain great people.” said Johnson. Um Monte, glad to see you’re not too smart…”Comfortable”, huh? Doesn’t money make you comfortable? Just a thought I had! And silly me to think this, but in a relationship doesn’t one go beyond the call of duty, bend over backwards to make everything work before the fact…Not after! All you guys are doing is grasping for straws now hoping you don’t lose another great coach, (please see Larry Brown & Roy Williams)! That’s all that this is about…And so with that said, why shouldn’t Self fly the coupe? A native of the OK State, with national championship credentials, more money than God, and it looks like more appreciation too! Besides, it’s not like OSU is some door mat…They’ve been to two Final Fours in 13 years!

So Jayhawk fans, you might want to start making up your “Bill Selfish” signs now, thanks in large part to the university not being proactive, but rather reactive. Yes Kansas, you might’ve won the game, but you penny pinching, nickel & dimming asses could very well lose the war!

The Longest Yard “All-Pro Team” – Inspired by Michael Vick

This week there’s been conflicting reports coming out of Nowherevilles, Kansas…Or some may refer to it as Leavenworth regarding the activities of inmate #07077007. Or again, some may refer to the person as Michael Vick…Either way you want to look at it he somehow making headlines from cell block seven.

Earlier this week in an interview with the New York Daily News, Arthur Blank said Vick was playing ball in prison to keep his body in shape, his arm limber and to pass the time. And for his off the field duties he was being the best damn dishwasher he could be for around five cents to 12 an hour, (we’re trying to get the final numbers on that). Well, one thing is for sure, it’s quite apparent that Mike has certainly done some thinking while away…Good to see he has recognized that upon his release in December 2009, (target date) if his football career doesn’t get a second opportunity it’s good to know that the Waffle House officials just might have a “can’t miss” prospect on their hands! And with that, surely Mike would be welcomed back to the ATL with open arms because has anyone every seen how many WH there are in Atlanta? Hell, they’re like assholes there…Every damn street corner has one!

"He is staying in shape. Apparently, there was a prison football team and he played quarterback for both sides.”

Well it would appear that it just so happens Arthur Blank “MISREMEMBERED” or something of that nature…And Falcons fans, (if they’re any left) wonder why the franchise seems to be in disarray! Wow, go figure! Yeah, which MV7 might be tossing a football around in prison, but according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, it's far from organized.

When told of Blank's account of Vick's football activity at the prison, a spokesman for Leavenworth sounded "incredulous," (such a big word) according to the Journal-Constitution.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kevin Johnson told the newspaper.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Bureau of Prisons told the Journal-Constitution, however, that Vick might be throwing a football in his free time. "It's not unheard of for inmates to toss around a football," spokesperson Tracy Billingsley told the newspaper. "But there just are no games until the fall."

Come on Art, AKA Home Depot God, don’t you know that the pigskins don’t start flying around until the fall! And there you have it Falcons fans…Your owner!

Now I don’t know about you, but was thrilled to death after hearing of Vick’s having animations to be the next Paul Crewe and land a leading role in “The Longest Yard 3”. Actually upon hearing this news I soaked my Under-Roos so much that it looked like I just got attacked by a fire hydrant. Although upon me changing my drawers, I had mixed emotions about it….Wondering, we all, (including his prison running mates) expect him to be this superstar football player, and soon realizing they’ve got a shitty quarterback. Rufus in cell block D is a much more accurate passer. Yes, it’s the Atlanta Falcons draft day all over again as he’s certainly not worthy of a #1 pick! While it’d be a huge let down all over again, one thing’s for sure…He’d almost certainly have a better receiving corp in Leavenworth than he had in the Dirty-Dirty!

As I sat some more, (in my dry, new change of drawers) I did some more pondering…And came up with this thought. We’ve all seen the Longest Yard and with so many NFL players making regular scheduled visits to the finest penitentiaries this country has to offer more frequently than they’re involved with their United Way I figured why doesn’t Hollywood, instead of paying actors, just get the real thing? And seeing as since I’ll be out there in less than a month, I figured why not organize a talent pool of prospects for them. Now I’m sure the entire Cincinnati Bengal organization would love to participate in something like this…At least they’d be good at doing something, right! Although that would be taking the easy way out!

So without any further adieu, here’s my cast of convicts for the “Longest Yard: Kick a Field Goal”

QB – Kerry Collins…Played in a Super Bowl and loves to make out with alcohol…A real life Paul Crewe

FB – Jamal Lewis

RB – O.J. Simpson…He’ll be there soon enough! No dishwashing for him though!

RB2 – Lawrence Phillips

WR – Michael Irvin

WR – Rae Carruth

WR/DB – Michael Vick…If he can’t handle both ways, we’ll just have to beat’em, electrocute’em and hang’em

WR – Koren Robinson

O & D Line – Barrett Robbins

O & D Line – Nate Newton

O & D Line – Dexter Manley…Just don’t expect him to read the movie script!

LB – Richard Seigler

LB – Ray Lewis…I know, it was only temp., but what a great addition to this squad!
LB – Keith McCants

DB – Pacman Jones

DB – Kenny Wright

DB - Nick Harper

Punter - Rick Tuten

Kicker - Russell Erxleben, a former kicker for the Saints

Now the question becomes, what does your convict pool of talent look like? Who ya got on your Cast of Convicts – All-Pro List?

I Left My National Championship on the Foul Line…Damn, that Sucks!
There was once a man, (or should I say coach) who uttered a facsimile of these following words and honestly believed in what he was trying to ignore…

[I’m not worried about our guys making free throws, because I know they’ll step up and make them when they have to}

I’m just wondering if Coach Cal honestly still believes that happy horse shit that he fed to us throughout the course of this season. Perhaps he’d like to re-examine that thought? We all knew at some point Memphis free throw shooting, (or lack there of) would come to bite them in the ass, at some point, just so happens it did on college basketball’s biggest stage…For all of America to see. Now Coach Cal has to live knowing that every time he sees Bill Self, it’s Self who has his National Championship ring, simply because his players picked the inopportune time to castrate themselves at the free throw line! How awesome is that? Simply Fantastic!

While last night’s game was truly great and actually lived up to the hype that surrounded it…Undoubtedly going down in college basketball lore. For the most part all of us will remember it as the one that Memphis left at the Alamo…For they took a flying leap off the river walk into the river and never resurfaced again! Yes, KU had to capitalize over and over on the Tigers mistakes and yes it can be argued that Kansas won more so than Memphis lost, and for peeps who do that are purely morons.

And if the news couldn’t get any worse for the Tigers and their fans, well it just did! Leave it to ESPN to come to the rescue and pay tribute to the Memphis Gag Job by, yes, re-televising it. ESPN Classic is going to replay the Kansas-Memphis game on Tuesday night at 11:00pm EDT, (that’s 6:00pm out in Hawaii, or is it 5:00pm). Wait, I think I hear something!

Oh well, if it’s any consolation for Memphis…I’m willing to bet that the Tigers Cheerleaders could kick the shit out of KU’s pom-pom girls! For Coach Cal’s boys, well there’s always next year…Look at all the time you guys will have between now and then to practice free throw shooting. Although in the midst of sports latest gag jobs, it’s important to note that this team will be remembered for what they did over the course of the year, but more than that, for what they couldn’t do in the last three minutes of the final game. That’s what we’re going to remember…This is no different than how we’ll remember the 18-1 Patriots. No different!

Now for everybody that couldn’t stay up to 12:16 am EST, (I’m thinking it’s maybe 6:16 pm in Hawaii) to see CBS’s One Shining Moment due peeps tucked away in their beds getting a good night sleep before work, or to the Memphis fans who caved in their LCD’s, not to worry, I gotcha!

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING Just an advisory…This may not be suitable for the Tiger Faithful! Simply because this is not at all you one Shining Moment! You go Penny Hardaway!

Some more of the Memphis Meltdown from Coach Cal…Keeping this in mind. Wonder how many gallons of Pepto-Bismol this cat has drank in less than 24 hours? I wonder if one can O.D. on that shit? Is there a doctor in the house? Or did he get lost at the foul line down by the Riverwalk too?

April Showers Fill the Month with Sports Mayhem …Which Playoffs Will you be Watching?
Here we are, the second week of April and the sports scene is blowing up like the papparazzi’s cameras trying to catch a glimpse of Eli Manning’s wedding towards the end of this month to bride to be, Abby McGrew, (to be easily confused with Phil McGraw). Go Eli! Mums the word on this as the father of the bride released this following statement… "It's toward the end of April. It's private." Now I’m sure Abby’s daddy, (haha, that rhymes, yeah Jay-Z, where you at partner) is a hell of a nice guy, but dude, if you want shit "private" don’t bump your gums together and release that statement from your cake hole! That’s along the same lines of Rafael Palmeiro wagging his finger at Congress…And besides, now with Jay-Z with the handcuff on his finger Eli’s surpassed Jessie Palmer as New York’s eligible bachelor!

Congrats to Eli, but enough about the wedding…It’s just another thing going on this month. Why tomorrow, (April 8, for all the dumbasses who don’t know the date) we celebrate another anniversary of the All-Time Homerun Champ….See, Hamerin Hank did it with class, not with the Cream and the Clear. Certainly not to make his body out to become a human pin cushion either! His goal was to be the best player he could be, instead of turning himself into the black version of the Incredible Hulk! So that’s tomorrow, but seeing this is the first time that this date has come around with, (on paper) Hank not being the "recognized" leader, (and I use that term loosely, so loosely in fact the females on the corner of Stroke & Suck are jealous) one has to wonder how this date will be perceived. Perhaps Howie Schwab might know? Or did I just STUMP him?

So that’s going on tomorrow along with the Women’s National Championship which honestly I must say I’m pissed off about…I wanted to see a Basketball Death Match between Summit & Geno! Damn you Geno…Damn you Title IX! Oh well, I guess. More than that, April is the month where peeps have good reasons to tune into the NBA and NHL, (well, that’s if one can find it). It’s playoff time for both leagues…And surprisingly enough, we’re hearing about all the hype surrounding the NHL Playoffs thanks to Mario & Luigi. I mean Sid the Kid & Alex the Great! Okay, besides that though, what else do we know about anything in the NHL? I do know those "new scientific jerseys" that the league went to this year, well they just have to go! They’re so unfashionable! Let me ask you this…Would you be caught out and about sporting one? Personally I’m a CCM/KOHO guy myself…Thank god for eBay!

Although seriously now putting the NHL jokes aside, (well at least for a second) is it just me, or is there something about NHL Playoff Hockey that gets other peeps all hot and bothered? See, unlike the NBA playoffs where it’s usually predictable almost like a script from Wrestlemania, (of course giving ticket holders an up close look & experience of what living in Iraq is all about by turning the Citrus Bowl into some kind of bombing range), wasn’t in the script, but you get my point! Although perhaps this year will be different…Oddly enough it already has in the Western Conference. No predictability going on in the west. Ironically it resembles the "Jared Diet," in that there’s so many viable options to choose from. Now the east on the other hand, well, that’s getting back to predictability…It’s like a big-boned fatass waddling into the Golden Arches. Spending $24.95 on food for him/herself, (can I get a WHOA!) and then washing it all down with three diet cokes. Can we just have the Pistons get it on with the Celtics, PLEASE!

Point is, these two leagues will be in the forefront of the sporting world until mid-June…Sorry baseball, but there’s a reason why you’re dubbed the boys of summer. Simply put, that’s all we have to choose from, (although I’ll admit since entering this NASCAR Fantasy League for the first time, I’d prefer DW over "Rocket Fuel"! So NBA or NHL? Which playoffs will you be watching? That’s the question? Look, lets not kid ourselves here, we all know, whether we want to admit it or not…There’s nothing like playoff hockey. Holy Shit, did I just say that? Yeah, that’s right, I’m man enough to say it! Trouble is, whether or not your boob tube can find the games. There’s nothing like seeing hockey players try their best to do their Michael J. Fox Wearwolf impersonation over the next coming months. How awesome would it be to see Mario or Luigi get in on that act?

That’s precisely what the hell I’m referring to the whole unpredictable/predictable thought here. Believe it or not, the NHL gives us that unpredictability that we as sports fans love! If we actually think about it, more times than not the NBA is like that "Career Ending Match" the WWE put on at Wrestlemania recently involving The Nature Boy. Like we didn’t know what was going to happen…Sure, if you’re an ankle bitter.

Simply put…How do your like you playoffs? Scripted…Ordering $24.95 worth of food at Mickey D’s? Or are you on board the Jared Bandwagon? To each their own! Couple things I know, Eli Manning getting handcuffed later this month…Now that’s, that’s totality unpredictable! And whether it’s the NHL Playoffs or the NBA Playoffs…One thing that we all can agree on watching is this following clip lasting 2:24…(Please disregard the porno-like background tunes).

“Superman” Tops the Draft Board in Mock Draft
Well, well, well…Look who’s back, bitches! I know all you all are just so elated to see my presence back in the LastRow that everybody’s pissing and soiling themselves! Completely understandable, however for my safety as well as others try to keep your bodily functions under control...I know it's hard, but please try your damndest!

Now, I bet all of you, (the five clowns who read my spits & spats) have been wondering where I’ve been for the past two months or so. And I appreciate that nobody sent out an amber alert on my ass…Really, you guys are swell! Well, as for my hiatus, I can’t tell you much about it for fear the Donut Pounders might be on to me at some point…You know the ones who love to “Protect & Serve all the Dunkin Donuts/Donut Shops across this great country”. You know the same ones who love to scout out the local Denny’s at three in the morning to see who would be the “Nightly Award Winner to Ride in the Backseat of Their Ride”…Yeah, them guys!

What I can tell you is my David Copperfield act involved a knee replacement. Now, did I have knee replacement surgery? Um, the words…No Way Jose come to mind! Actually, it didn’t have nothing to do with me…Well, so to speak! Let’s just say I had some unfinished business to tend to and needed to make like a groundhog and go underground for a while! And we’ll leave it at that…Wouldn’t want peeps to get the wrong idea or worse, get harmed!

During my days underground weren’t spent twiddling my thumbs…It was more like sitting on my ass! Although I’ll have you know that I have a whole new appreciation for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…Living in the finest sewers that this country has to offer. I’m just glad I can finally get off that damn pizza diet! It’s more than that though, while I was down there, I began to realize what it’s like to walk in the shoes of one Mel Kiper Jr., (although, I must say Mel couldn’t handle the underground world, where the shoes are all wet). All alone, working by yourself in cold, dark working conditions, studying film of what’s about to transpire…I can honestly say I have a new outlook on what MKJR does! It’s not as easy as just going into hibernation and then suddenly appearing with an annual draft report of who took the biggest shit at the combine and who has the longest toenails, and which prospects can run in a straight line for 4.3 seconds. No, no…It’s more than that! If it was just that, why everybody would be collaborating their own “Mock Draft”…Oh wait, they are!

Is it just me here, but does anybody see a correlation between mock drafts and the most ridiculous shit one can think of? Like the notion that if I ate spinach I’d get all big and strong like Barry Bonds, no excuse me, I mean, Roger Clemens, D’OH, I meant Popeye. Or how about the “Safety Instructions” in every seat-back pocket on every commercial airplane is a safety card. Have you ever read it completely? I am not even sure the airline has read it. At the very beginning is a note that reads, “If you cannot read or see this properly, please ask for assistance.” Why print this instruction at all? If I can’t read it, then how would I know to ask? Similarly, many flight attendants say this while making the safety announcement: “If you can not hear this announcement, please ask for assistance for clarification.” I suppose airlines are bound by law to do this, but again, is it just me or if you have to employ these “procedures” on a flight, chances are there’s more bigger issues at hand! What’s the use?

See, every single SOB these days has their own mock draft(s). But why are these becoming like ass holes? Good question, it’s like why do baseball players make themselves human pin cushions, injecting themselves with “Power Juices”…Come on fellas, it shrinks your “baseballs”. Let’s be real here, outside the 31 teams who actually compose them for their own personal use throughout the two day “Roger Goddell Telethon”…To Joe Six Pack, all these damn things are nothing more than what Candy “the Stripper” is down at “Beavers” where “Beaver Fever Spreads Faster Than an Uncontrollable Smokey the Bear Wild Fire”! Simply put, Candy gets poor Joe foaming at the mouth, (and in other places) gets her hustle on, then poor ole Joe goes home with Rosie and her five sisters and broke!

Same goes with mock drafts…Gets fans all worked up about taking a “can’t miss prospect”, but instead they go for a glorified kick returner. Isn’t that right Miami Dolphin sfans. If one really thinks about, all mock drafts do is make dumbasses out to be bigger dumbasses…Do these “can’t miss” names ring a bell:

Ryan Leaf, Tony Mandarich, Brian Bosworth, Akili Smith, Lawrence Phillips, Heath Shuler, Dan McGwire, Bruce Pickens, Andre Ware, the Penn State Three Musketeers Blair Thomas, Ki-Jana Carter, Curtis Enis, not to be out done by the USC Fearsome Foursome of Todd Marinovich, Mike Williams Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart

Awesome…Simply Awesome!

While I nauseate at these mock drafts, during my time away, I had to do something besides pick my ass! And I figured if Todd McShay complied…I figured hell, it can’t be that difficult…Besides, I too have an ass hole! Seeing as he has about as much knowledge and use as a Betamax video-recorder

So without further adieu, here’s how my mock draft goes…And from what the eye can see, there’s talent all throughout the first round!

1. Superman – Miami Dolphins

2. Mickey Mouse – Saint Louis Rams

3. Donald Duck – Atlanta Falcons

4. Spiderman – Oakland Raiders

5. Tom or Jerry…(Yes, I say “OR” damn it!) – Kansas City Chiefs

6. The Phantom – New York Jets

7. Pinocchio– New England Patriots
Lets just say, it fits…Nuff Said

8. Batman…(Sorry, Robin was a hot prospect of the Arena League) – Baltimore Ravens

9. Tweety – Cincinnati Bengals

10. Garfield, (Odie was hanging with Michael Vick too much) – New Orleans Saints

11. Elmer Fudd – Buffalo Bills

12. Fred Flintstone/Barney Rubble…(Pick your poison here) – Denver Broncos

13. Daffy Duck – Carolina Panthers

14. Porky Pig – Chicago Bears

15. Boo Boo Bear (Yogi doesn’t like Matt Millian) – Detroit Lions

16. Pepé Le Pew – Arizona Cardinals

17. Popeye - Minnesota Vikings

18. Bugs Bunny - Houston Texans

19. Peppermint Patty -Philadelphia Eagles

20. Charlie Brown - Tampa Bay Buccaneers

21. Woodstock- Washington Redskins

22. Betty Boop -Dallas Cowboys

23. Top Cat - Pittsburgh Steelers

24. George of the Jungle – Tennessee Titans

25. Mighty Mouse – Seattle Seahawks

26. SpongeBob SquarePants – Jacksonville Jaguars

27. Speed Racer – San Diego Chargers

28. Snoopy – Dallas Cowboys

29. Goofy - San Francisco 49ers

30. Linus Van Pelt - Green Bay Packers

31. Mr. Irrelevant - New York Giants