Would You Share a Thong with Your BFF’S?
On the heels of Jason Giambi deciding to come out of his thong drawer, I figured it was a question worth asking. From a dude, (perhaps that’s the wrong word to use in this case) that was strung out on needles and syringes a few years back, to now deciding to go public with his “golden thong with flames” no less to help his undersized batting average is just simply perplexing to me! What I really want to know is how in the hell that has to be to try and play baseball in. One would think having a piece of dental floss strung up your ass, tickling ones asshole is not at all comfy…Then again, I don’t know! Sorry, I don’t have a “slump busting thong” to try on for size, Macys ran a blowout sale on them and by the time I swung by to pick one up for myself they were all sold out! However, just maybe “Thong Guy” will give me an opportunity to sport the lucky gold pair of dental floss up my crack. Seeing as how everybody in the Yankee dugout has gotten at least one ass rub by this thing…What is this, like a bag of sunflower seeds that just gets passed around?

Might I make a suggestion here Jason, perhaps you should try to influence Joe Giradi to sport it, if they are indeed so lucky as you along with your teammates say it is! Now there’s a good idea, considering Joe needs all the help he can get these days! Next why don’t you pay a visit to Brian Cashman and Hank Steinbrenner, seems like they’re down on their luck too! Funny thing is early this season the Yankees banned all candy from the clubhouse…Stating they wanted their players to become healthy. Yeah, mission accomplished boys…You definitely have one hell of a sanitized clubhouse! Very healthy too! Of course I get that it has been washed, (at least I’m hoping because as Mets Manager and former Yankee Coach Willie Randolph puts it, "Giambi's a little freaky") but this isn’t like having your boys wear your lucky hat, shoes, shits, etc….It’s freaking underwear, freak one! No telling where that shit has been! I’m having a difficult time deciding which is dirtier…You or that lovely lady standing on the corner of Suck & Fukc working hard to make $20 bucks! What’s next…Sharing your “lucky condoms”?

Another thing I’m having difficulties with regarding this “dugout thong”, several teammates acknowledged they've tried wearing it, too including Yankees captain Derek Jeter and outfielder Johnny Damon. Okay, these Three Stooges have different sized torsos…How in the hell does that work then? Do they take a page out of a 15-year old who’s in high school who does the whole “sock thing” in the bra to fill it out? Now I’m willing to guess the Golden Thong Dude isn’t the only one who loves to put the squeeze play on his grapes for nine innings in MLB, but sharing the love…Well, that’s on the same level of cleaning out a dirty diaper and then giving it to Suzy down the street so she can use it for baby Jack! There’s just some shit, (pardon the pun) that hommies don’t do for hommies!

Hell, personally I have a hard time having my boys wear my hats! I don’t want their greasy head(s) in my lid! Shoes and shirts…Personally, I don’ have a problem with! Loaning them your ride, somewhat…It just depends on the BFF who wants to borrow the whip. Loaning out underwear, well, safe to say Giambi was never in Cub/Boy Scouts…If he was, he’d know that this shit isn’t part of Scouts Honor!

I seriously don’t know who should be more alarmed…The average person hearing this sick shit, (and I’m not referencing sick as good in this instance) or Yankee fans. Why Yankee fans? Well here we are only in the latter half of May and these guys are turning to a “lucky dugout thong” to help turn their shit around and to catch the Rays of all teams! How awesome is that! Time for the fans to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge!

Kudos to Giambi for giving Sisco’s “Thong Song” a whole new meaning! Somehow, I don’t think this is what he had in mind…

Kornheiser Gets Bought Out…WOO HOO!
I have a plethora of great news peeps! Well, for starters, I’m back…The friendly skies treated me oh so friendly! Though I must say, that damn five hour flight, I could’ve done without! One would’ve thought with so much time on my hands, I would’ve put the time to good use…Like join the Mile High Club. Anyhow, some other good news I have to offer the select few that read my spits and spats…Tony Kornheiser accepted a buyout! Holy Shit, you know what this means, it means no more weekly fantasy updates in primetime. Oh, but wait, before we all start creaming in our drawers, guess it should be noted that TK accepted a buyout from The Washington Post, not ABC/ESPN…Sorry! I know, I’m just like a pole hugger! Such a tease! Getting peeps hopes up like that. Come to think of it, if TK would’ve gotten Donald Trump from the Monday Night booth, that would be a fantasy come true!

Now let’s get this straight here…He accepted a buyout from The Post since he essentially stopped writing full length columns for them long ago due to his celebrity status in television and radio these days and more along the lines of "columnettes," until doing his best David Copperfield act all together and disappearing from The Post pages. Good business move for The Post I suppose…Just, is it me, I can’t help but think, like him or not, the man has a knack for writing, as evident for his being employed at The Post since 1979. With that being said however, when it comes to television, his spits & spats make viewers want to spit & spat…All the while doing our best new born baby impression! Um yeah, does the phrase, "Stop…You’re making my ears bleed," mean anything? I’m just wondering how many people watch the Monday Night telecasts with their damn boob tube on mute, just because of this cat?

Don’t get me wrong…He’s a perfect compliment to Mike Wilbon on Pardon The Interruption. Though he has the ability to draw on his journalistic abilities. And the same goes for radio as well…However, these days everybody has their own radio show. Just like every sports fan these days has his or her own blog., so whatever that’s worth. Still, the same thing applies…Again, he has the ability to draw on his journalistic abilities. Both are good forums for his funny, sarcastic and sometimes poignant personality in the Sports and Style which was a staple of his columns which appeared in The Post for almost 30 years.

"It feels odd and it feels bad. It doesn't feel sad, there's no sadness to it, it just feels wrong," TK explained to radio listeners. I have to totally disagree…What feels wrong is that you’re still in the freaking Monday Night booth! Now that, that’s wrong! Actually, I’ll do you one better…It’s a TRAVISHAMOCKERY, bud! After two years of your boring, old, sorry ass in the booth, (soon to be year three) one would’ve thought you would’ve been axed! For our sake can you just do your best Joe Namath impression and give Suzy Kolber a hug for God sakes!

Think about this…Something Kornhead is known for and does well, he accepts a buyout, but something that he completely blows goats at is being in a broadcast booth, well ESPN still wants him. Yeah, there’s logic…Consider the employer, I guess, right? Still, what’s going to happen when the ESPN asshole brass pulls their head out of their asses and comes to the realization that TK is nothing more than a sports version of Dennis Miller? Like we all have known from day one…And he gets the Joe Theismann-like treatment. Does he try to get his old job back? Executive editor Len Downie said Kornheiser will retain a desk in the Post's offices and will continue to appear on the Web site. Of course he will…And then when the ESPN ax lands on his head, he’ll be welcomed back with open arms!

Here’s a thought…Why not just can his ass from the Monday Night booth ASAP? Everybody knows it’s bound to happen…So why not just cut all the happy horseshit out! Yes, it might feel odd and bad getting bought out once because you’re a rookie at it, but the second time around when ESPN peeps decide to do it…Well, you’ll be a seasoned vet!

Went to a Basketball Game and The Fourth of July Broke Out
A funny thing happened to me this weekend…I went down to the local YMCA to attend the very much anticipated game between the Squirrels and the Woodchucks (and no I don’t live in the forest, perhaps the back woods would describe it better). The house was packed, my guess it was like a Fire’s Marshall’s nightmare…In between the first and second quarter Squirrelly The Squirrel came out and did his best Super Hugo the Hornet impression….Using a trampoline to dunk a basketball, soared through a large hoop that had been set ablaze before slamming the ball through the basket. Only on this occasion everything went flawless…Glad Squirrelly took great notes on how not to do shit from Hugo!

Of course I’m joking, but am I the only one here would like to know when did sporting events become an excuse to celebrate the damn Fourth of July? Correct me if I’m wrong here, but I don’t ever recall peeps buying tickets to see dumbass mascots jump through flaming hula hoops. When did sporting events turn into a haven for pyrotechnic maniacs? Your guess is as good as mine…I must’ve missed that memo! We all knew something as idiotic as this was bound to happen, it was only a matter of time…Surprisingly this dumbass shit hadn’t happened before Saturday night. Oh wait, it did…Remember when the WWE turned downtown Orlando into something straight out of Iraq? Yeah, that was “Shock & Awe”, brother, (my bad on the Hulk Hogan reference).

So what’s the deal with all this pyrotechnic bull shit that has invaded our sports world? Good question…Too bad it really doesn’t have an answer. And we thought trying to figure out what the hell we were doing in bed with a blonde beefcake Sunday morning after a hell of a Saturday night was tough! For some odd reason the peeps who organize these bull shit stunts and what have you, have got to be some of the dumbest people living…And that’s saying something considering about 90 percent of the population, well, lets just say all their mothers should’ve swallowed them when they had the chance to! Speaking of mothers, remember when she used to say “don’t throw the ball in the house”…To go outside and do it. Fire, outside…There’s a concept. And how Smokey the Bear always told us, “only you can prevent forest fires”…He neglected to mention too that only you can prevent a basketball game delay between the first and second quarter too!

There's really no excuse for this whatsoever. Why do this stupid shit in the first place…Not just the Hornets, but everybody. Especially when the Hornet brass of shit for brains admitted that it was their first time doing it. That’s like the Hornets having Chris Paul guard Tim Duncan down in the post the whole game. Actually, that sounds better than the Hugo Hot Pants act! Can’t wait to see what’s the follow up act…Shoot bottle rockets off in gas stations at the pumps? Perhaps Hugo can shed some light on his next act…



Awesome! As if shit wasn’t bad enough, now Craig Sager gives Hugo the Dumbass face time. See, this is what kind of cluster fukc you get when you mix some sort of Beavis and Butthead act with our sports. Next time save it for the mascot games! Isn’t that why the mascot games are, well, indeed the mascot games? To do this kind of stupid shit. If I wanted to see fireworks, I, well, would go see fireworks! However, if I choose to go see an NBA playoffs game, well damn it, I want to see an NBA playoff game! Not Craig Sager doing face time with a mascot to fill in time!! And by the way, what happened to cheerleaders performing? Why mess with a good thing?

Just remember, the next time you attend an NBA game or any sporting event make sure you’re packing your CO2 cartridge.


And so with that will conclude the spits and spats coming from the LastRow for a while due in part to me hoping on a bird, (or as I like to call it a big bomb) and flying the friendly skies, (which consequently I see absolutely nothing “friendly” about them bound for LAX. Yeah, a five hour flight for a cat who suffers from the “John Madden Disease”, not fun…Although since I don’t have a Madden Cruiser, well I’m shit out of luck! I suppose I guess I could bypass my trip, and bypass the Thursday & Saturday functions at the Playboy Mansion…Yeah, I suppose I could do that if I wanted to. Thursday’s no biggie, it’s just the Playmate of the Year Luncheon…However Saturday, um yeah, that’s a “Pajama Party” . So I’m thinking, um, No Way Jose!! Hopeful Canceso will be there…Love that dude!

So if you would be so kind to say a prayer for the Delta bird to land safely at LAX on Wednesday morning, (9:34 PST)…Don’t worry about saying a prayer for me on Saturday night! I’m sure I’ll be in heaven!! It’s tough, but somebody has to do it!

Would you Spend the Outrageous Price of $725 to Witness the All-Star Game?
Here’s a thought…With the economy the way it is, foreclosures seemingly rubbing The Cream & The Clear all over the market, getting raped at the pump, and everything else that one can think of that blows donkey balls why not just raise ticket prices for fans for this year’s All-Star game at Yankee Stadium. Awesome idea…Although notice I didn’t say this was my thought, rather just a thought. A thought brought to you courtesy of Major League Baseball…Thanks for looking out assholes! What, just because this is the curtain call for the House that Ruth Built somehow gives you jerkoffs permission to shove another dick up everybody ass? Didn’t want to be left out of this “rape party”, huh? So kind, so kind…I mean, it’s not like we don’t have enough up there already! Oh no, just add some more…Like they say, “the more the merrier!” Honestly though, I could do without! I’m still trying to get the one yesterday that was shoved up my tailfeather at the local Shell for $86.75 to be exact!

So due to the fact that this is the last call Major League Baseball announced Tuesday that tickets will range from $150-$725 for the July 15 game…OUCH, what’s poking at my ass? Oh, silly me, how could I forget? And check this out, that's only up from $75-$285 from last year's game at San Francisco and $10-15 for box and reserved seats the last time the All-Stars were at Yankee Stadium, in 1977. Who’s in charge here, Exxon? They must be…They don’t give a shit about peeps…They just care about how quickly they can drain peoples wallet’s! Now those prices are just face value if one’s lucky enough to get them at that, which consequently registration began yesterday to buy two tickets each for the All-Star game and Derby on mlb.com, and a drawing will be held June 16. So if that’s how you’d like to spend your tax rebate check feel free to log on…MLB will love to rape you, but don’t expect to get kissed! Rather, kiss Uncle Sam’s check bye-bye!

It’s not only the All-Star game ticket who’s making like it has a fever of 110 degrees, but also his two sidekicks in that of the tickets for the Home Run Derby and workout day on July 14 are $100-$650, an increase from $50-$225 last year. Tickets for the Futures game on July 13 are $50-225, up from $22.50-$125 last year. My guess is, MLB thinks gas and food are extremely overrated! Or perhaps they think this is a great idea to help pay for a $1.3 billion ballpark under construction across the street by tickling our asses with foreign objects!

The sad reality of this, this just goes to show sports fans, that sports leagues don’t give a shit about the fan Joe Six Pack…Who works a 9-5 job, is married to the Old Lady who used to Live in the Shoe who had so many kids her uterus fell out, drives a broken down Chevy Tahoe, and everything else good ole Joe does. All they care about is their green friend Ben…Whose favorite words are something like cha-ching! Which is brought to you by the jackasses of Corporate America…You guys rock! Love you guys…Really, I do! About as much as guys like having vasectomies…Yeehaw! MLB even says so themselves as it has been said prices likely will decrease for the 2009 All-Star game, to be hosted by the Cardinals. "They will be adjusted for St. Louis. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- instant memorabilia, instant memories," said Bob DuPuy, baseball's chief operating officer. "The regular-season ticket prices in New York are substantially higher than they are in St. Louis."

Love how MLB has the knack of twisting things around…Actually, that sounded like it came directly from Roger Clemens’s pie hole or Butt Crusty, his attorney! A “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- instant memorabilia, instant memories,” huh? Interesting…Correct me if I’m wrong, but Yankee Stadium has held an All-Star game before, so how can it be a “once-in-a-life time opportunity?” And oh yeah, sorry Bob, a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- instant memorabilia, instant memories,” that’s being able to attend a party at the Playboy Mansion, (think of me next Saturday night, May 10 @ 9:00 p.m. PST)! I’m still trying to figure out how many peeps he threw under the bus and then backed over them in St. Louis. What’s he saying about St. Louis….Hmmm? Interesting to say the least! Not a good P.R. guy, are you?

Now lets add all this up and brush of the mathematics skills for a second starting with the cheap seats in the LastRow, (oops, sorry about the pun…had to) to the “Spike Lee Seats”. To be able to get a nose bleed in Yankee Stadium in mid-July for the two days that will only cost some poor sap $300…And that’s to go stag! Gee, that’s only three and a half times I can fill my gas guzzling hog up, (at the going rate, of course)! Or stock my crib with food. Now lets see what the “Spike Lee Seats” are going to tally. Wow, only, $1,075…Gees, is that all! Wonder how much food that can buy? Holy Smokes, for the price that it would cost to get a whiff of Derek Jeter, I could fill up Mr. Guzzle a whopping 12 times! I don’t know about you, but if I was looking to blow $1,075, um wouldn’t one think a brand new LCD would add a nice touch to the crib? Watching these All-Star festivities in HD, scratching oneself to no end…Honestly, trying to scratch yourself at a sporting event is quite difficult! Or if baseball isn’t your cup of tea and might be looking for something a bit more adventurous, looking to get more bang for your buck, in every sense of the word, I bet there’s a few thousand lovely ladies out there who would be more than willing to oblige! They need to pay their bills too, you know! Who knows, you might even get kissed before you get, well, you know! Just a couple of suggestions. Oh yeah, if you like the latter suggestion, here’s some more advice…Don’t bring her home to momma!

So does this come as a surprise…Yeah, about as much as seeing an one-legged duck swim in a circle or a whore sweating buckets in church! Like the saying goes, “The rich get richer and everybody else have dicks shoved up their asses!” God Bless America!

Are You as Excited about Jared Allen Landing in the Twin Cites as Their Weather Dude is?
Okay, so I get Allen is one of the biggest names to be on the moved in this off-season in the NFL…And rightful so! What he’s done over the past few seasons with the Chiefs speaks for itself, thus Vikings fans should be creaming in their Fruit of the Looms or Hanes, (whichever floats your boat…just make sure it’s not the Love Boat on a lake up there! Sorry, had to get that jab in) in bunch. Speaking of the Love Boat…Is it just purely ironic that Allen wears the number 69 and is going to a team that created the whole BOATGATE thing a few years ago? Perhaps I’m reaching, but check out this Minnesota Meteorologist clown who just can’t wait to see Allen suit up in a purple and gold 69…

That’s right, in Minneapolis peeps don’t tune into to see whether or not a cold front is approaching…Or how many inches of snow are going to bury their sorry asses, oh no! They tune into Chris Shaffer’s "omens", takes on the "Williams Wall," but most importantly oh yeah, "69" stands for sex! That’s right, if anybody was unaware of this, well it’s a good thing Shaffer on the air then! See, I knew one had to be smart to become a weather dude…And by dude, I do mean an ingrown butthair in this instance!

How awesome is hearing the local weather guy explaining the correlation between the number "69" and the best type of workout there is on air, in the midst of his seven day forecast, brought to you by Trojans! That’s a classic!
Almost makes me want to move to Minnesota to listen to this cat!