Kerry Wood Shoots the Double Dirty Bird...
Gotta love the Windy City Interleague Showdown!

Kerry wood
by bsap11

Kudos to the camera peeps at Fox!

Don’t Look for Minnesota Golden Gopher Gear at the Local Victoria Secrets
My goodness, what a weekend. And by that I mean what a boring ass weekend! Sure we had the Subway and Windy City series this weekend, which sort of got the blood pumping, but I just have one question. For the love of God, when does football season start up? Okay, it’s a redundant question since I’m asking it every three days or so, I know…But come on, me want football! Me hate the dog days of summer! Nevertheless, despite me going through pigskin withdrawals, doing my best impression of John Daly on a golf course when it’s 95 freaking degrees and I’m shaking like it’s 32 degrees out…I enjoyed my weekend to the fullest!

Well how can that be, right? I know, I know…But with so much time on my sticky fingers I decided to take a trip, (alone I might add) down to the local mall and check out Victoria Secrets! Not because I wanted to pick up something for the ball and chain, (I don’t have one, WooHoo) but I figured this would be a different way to get all fired up about the college football season, (easy boy on getting all fired up) by viewing their PINK Collegiate Collection. Of course, I could’ve just gone on their website, finding the same section…A list of 33 colleges who have licensed apparel available, but how fun would that be? That’s on the same level as watching games on the boob tube rather than being there in person if one had the choice to be. Honestly though fellas, why didn’t we ever think of doing something like this? Is there anything hotter than seeing the ole battle ax donning an UGA, (we’ll miss ya, RIP boy) as she struts her stuff? I guess that would depend on what her stuff looks like, and I’m going to leave that alone!

Although, I must be totally honest…My trip to VS was less than satisfying. WOW…Victoria's Secrets, a place where you can buy…Well, you probably already know and it did nothing for me. YIKES! I have a theory about that and it all has to do with the PINK Collegiate Collection. Um, can you say false advertising? Gee, go figure…Not like they don’t always do that! Making us believe the same shit their models wear is going to look as good on our ball and chain. Um news flash, No Way Jose!

Among the list of 33 is the University of Minnesota. However, someone at the school has apparently decided that it's not a good place for Gopher gear to be sold. My guess is they want to be like Notre Dame football…Only in the lingerie world and go exclusively with Fredricks of Hollywood. A nice choice I might add. What’s up with this shit?

"We are not making a judgment in regards to Victoria's Secret," said University spokesman Dan Wolter. "We just don't feel it is in our institution's best interest right now."

Wolter said there was not enough discussion about how the company's image could affect the University's reputation and that upon review, "it was simply determined we should opt out of it."

Huh…What? “How the company's image could affect the University's reputation”…What kind of dog ate my homework reason is that? I don’t have exact numbers, but something tells me Victoria Secrets just might be popular with the co-eds! So it looks like, according to University spokesman Shit For Brains, according to his logic, looks like the University of Minnesota will soon become an all male institution seeing as since UM, (sorry Michigan) doesn’t want this association. We’re simply talking about some apparel wear here…Not talking about changing the university code and conduct laws, (which nobody abides by anyway)!

To my dismay, and most likely others…It's not like we're talking about Gopher lingerie. DAMN! The PINK has a shirt, sweats, a hoody, and a tote bag (read: purse) available. Perhaps the university was offended by the prices. The tote bag alone runs $24.50. Yikes. So it’s a glorified Steve & Barry’s…So what’s the beef spokesman Shithead? The school has got it’s panties in a bunch over shirts, sweats, and a purse…Yeah, very explicit shit, I know! What’s next? No cheering at football games? Oh wait, sorry, that happens already…Forgot which school I was referring to! So the University of Central Florida bans tailgating to fans who don’t actually plan on going in the stadium and now the University of Minnesota doesn’t want to be associated with Victoria Secrets. What’s next?

Oh, but wait…Speaking of UCF and their new tailgating bylaws, this too has a dirty twist to it, so to speak. Check out the women's tank top that the university sells in their online store, Goldy's Locker Room, shows more skin than anything Victoria's Secrets is selling with Goldy Gopher on it. So just as in UCF’s case, Minnesota wants women, (or confused men) wants fans to buy their products, where they get 100 percent of the profits, as opposed to an outside party. Really it’s simple…Just another case of schools wanting more money! Just can’t wait to season the next level this ridiculousness rises to!

Beer…
The solution to all our problems…Just ask Joe Namath about what the golden hops can do for you! Yes, the frosty beverage can due so much for us…Why it can make a 300-pound sow look like this. The golden liquid can give us courage when we otherwise don’t usually tend to have it. This refreshment can be mans best friend, (with his dog as the sidekick) when the team that we cheer for tend to suck more than a lovely lady who stands on the corner of Suck & Fukc waiting to getting paid for a job well done!

Yes, this drink can do it all…Perhaps that’s why that’s why we love it some much! There’s nothing 12 ounces, (or larger) of beer can’t do! Hell, it can even come to ones rescue on the golf course if one runs out of tees! What do I mean? What here, lets get John Daly to show us…


Now remember, this was done with a trained professional, (I think) kids, do not try this on your local golf course! Although I was under the assumption this might constitute as being alcohol abuse? Damn you John…You should know that! Just feel bad for you partner in crime Kid Rock…That was his beer!

In addition to this impressive golf lesson, I was also moved by the fact that as the whole entourage strolled by the camera…Well, there seemed not to be an empty hand. Although I guess that stands to reason, John Daly needs a lot of tees!

Thanks for the golf trip, (or do I mean tip) Big John! I'll keep that in mind the next time I run out of tees in my round...I'll just stop the hot ass cart girl and buy a 12-pack from her!

Chad Johnson Needs to Vent…
Perhaps this pussycat can be employed by Coors to help promote their "Vent Can"? Hell, why not…This cat could sell glasses to a blind person or hearing aids to deaf peeps! And truth of the matter, he knows he can "talk a good one." Oh yeah, Ocho has never met a mic he didn’t love to talk too…Chad says he loves the game of football, but does he love hearing himself talk more than the love for the game? Debatable!

Let’s see…From "I want a new contract." To, "I wannabe traded,"….To "Hell, I might just go play in the Arena League or work in Hollywood." The, "I’m not reporting to mini-camp," tune quickly became, "I’ll report, but don’t expect me to participate!" Gees, this cat’s pie hole is making a 24-hour Wal-Mart look jealous…As for open, the Waltons stores aren’t even in the same league. Hell, CJ gives the Milky Way galaxy a run for it’s money.
Now Johnson sits down with Stephen A. Smith for a brief chat to discuss all the antics this "disgruntled" gum bumper has pulled since the 2007 season end. Take a listen…

Interesting! "Do the homework first…See the consequences,"? So in all actuality it seems you figured you had nothing better to do by running off at the mouth, saying whatever you desired…Knowing full well it was all a smoke screen. Sure, you may not be stupid, because we all knew and so did the Bengals, you weren’t leaving that money on the table, so the called your bluff and just made you look like a royal ass PUNK, son! Not only are you a punk, but turns out you’re a sore loser too chump! So that’s all your vent was about losing…I highly doubt that! If that’s the case then why didn’t we hear the whole freaking Dolphins team bitching? Seems according to your logic that had good reason to!

Isn’t it good to know that without Chad Johnson there would be no Carson Palmer…Alright! How awesome is that! Um, would somebody like to clue CP in on that? Hell, why stop there, Chad? Don’t hide the fact that if there was no 85 there would be no Marvin Lewis, no Icky Woods and his shuffle…Hell, why not just state the obvious? Without 85 there’d be no Bengals…Go ahead, just say it! You know you want to!

HA! Funny thing, all this "media attention" that has been given to Ocho, somehow, (and forgive me for not seeing the light here) it was them who created the fire freezy. Like all the sports producers in the media gathered in a unknown place and decide to get in collaboration with each other to create a soap opera about the Bengals and CJ. Damn, I had no clue…Thanks for clearing that one up! Because I was under the impression that since you’ve been suffering from oral diarrhea this whole off season, that might just had a little bit to do with it...But glad to see it didn't!

The one thing that you’re right about…You don’t have a choice about being in Cincy! Bengals called your bluff, now you got egg on your face looking like a jackass punk and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it! One thing about playing poker Chad, don’t show all your cards…Something Drew should’ve informed you of because no matter how much you bitch and whine, well it’s just like you say…"I love Cincinnati, (which I find hard to believe, but hey, whatever) I got no choice!"

In all honesty, before he began his antics of pissing off Smokey the Bear by blowing smoke all over this off season I loved the guy! He played the game like it was supposed to be…By having fun! I didn’t mind the celebration acts, because we watch to be entertained, and that Chad does. Although as pointed out in the clip, he hates to lose…WHOA! News flash, we all do! Winning hides everything…As soon as this ship begins to sink, only then does a team find out about their teammates! And shit, last season Chad was the first one to jump overboard and point fingers at everybody else. Quickly to point out everything that’s wrong rather than finding a solution collectively. Quickly separating himself as an individual!

I just got one question…Can everybody feel the love in Cincy? I know I certainly don’t!

Are You Suffering from Summertime Sports Depression?
So here it is the end of June, the NBA Finals are over, same goes for the Stanley Cup coverage, Tiger Woods knee surgery coverage has been exhausted…All that’s left is baseball to hold us over for a month until NFL teams begin to pitch their tents as camps open up. Although this is the time that media creates and makes news out of shit that really isn’t news at all and beats it like a dead horse. Speaking of which, so what if Big Brown forgot to tie his shoelaces or had a freaking pebble in his shoe! Yeah, we’ve all been there and done that…Doesn’t feel too good, but oh well, tough shit! Again, lets beat that story to death!

Hey, here’s a news flash…Shaq doesn’t like Kobe! Although, I’m not sure if the Big Fat Ass is on the same page as us? Yes, Shaq’s spit on the mic was newsworthy for I guess about 15 mins, but truth is, it has become a new catch phrase…Everybody want’s to know how peeps asses taste! And just wait, this media catch phrase creation will be showing up on t-shirts over on eBay ASAP…If they haven’t done so already? Gotta strike when the iron’s hot, I know!

And can we lay off Don Imus…I mean, my God! It’s not like everybody hasn’t had that same thought that he decided to spit on his mic a time or two…Come on! We all know that we’ve had that exact same thought, it’s just he decided to put his stones on the table and say what everybody has thought! And if you try to tell yourself that that particular thought hasn’t entered your head, well just maybe Pacman, (oh excuse me, Adam) will pray for your lying ass too!

It’s funny, Shaq can spit the shit he did and dumbasses think it’s funny, but when Imus spits into his mic, it’s like "Oh Hell No!" "No, he didn’t!" Whatever the case may be, the reality is that we’ll have to listen to both of these stories and the fall out from them for what I’m going to guess is sometime until next week…Since this time of year, the Dog Days of Summer are equivalent to the "Dead Period" for recruiting. Yes Kelvin Sampson, this means your ass too…Put the secret phone down and wash off those texting fingers!

I got a question. How many days until the pigskins start flying again? Oh shit, wait, I posed that question about 10 days or so ago…So I’m guessing we have about 10 or so days less from when I first asked the question, huh? I’ll go out on a limb here and say, we want our football more than we want a Playboy Playmate in bed, (of course depending on the month).

So I like so many who have been diagnosed before me am suffering from Summertime Sports Depression…The outbreak of this disease usually occurs around mid-June and can last up until mid-July. Although I’ve taken it upon myself to help find a cure for this summertime outbreak…And honestly, I believe I’m on the right track of doing so!

It’s starts by trying to get all the juices flowing again in the body, minus a certain lovely lady dubbed Candy who just took off her candy striper for you. Might I suggest running through a brick wall. And let me tell you, if this doesn’t get the juices flowing and want to make you run through a freaking brick wall, well, you need to check yourself as a sports fan!

Now, lets see if your ass is breathing…

Couldn’t have said it better myself…

In the words of Judge Mills Lane…Can we just get it on already!

Curtain Call for the CWS...
Yes, much to my dislike the 2008 college baseball season will conclude later this evening when some brand of Bulldog wins the title claming themselves as the Top Dogs. Why am I so broken up about it? Is it because I'm such a baseball fan? Lets put it this way...I rather watch paint dry! So then what the hell could it be?

Well here, take a looksy...See for yourself!

You feel me? OOPS, I feel something! My bad!

You Can’t be F-ING Serious…UCF Bands Tailgate Drinking!
Well, summer officially began a couple days ago and within a month the professional pigskins will begin flying around. A few weeks later, the collegiate pigskins will join in on the action! Yes boys, it’s almost here! Although it can’t get here soon enough! Now is that perfect opportunity to make sure you’re all set for the season! Meaning, if you can afford to see your favorite team live and in person, (thanks to the gas prices) besides having the new gear ready to wear, the tickets in your grubby paws, you need all the tailgating essentials! Yes sir, tailgating and football go together like the cock and balls one finds on their toilet, (get the head out of the gutter). Can’t have one without the other…If you do, well, I feel real sorry for your ass!

Now tailgating is essential at any football game…However, is it just me or does it seem like tailgating with the co-eds on college campus’s is ten times better than on Sunday’s? It’s 10 a.m. and I’m Joey Chestnutting Brats and guzzling beer like my Yukon Denali guzzles gas. It’s okay, it’s okay…It’s all part of our love for pigskins and co-eds, (yes, in that order)! I’m vowing right here to make that a man law!

Well then I must ask, how bad must it suck then to be either a fan or a student at the University of Central Florida? Why? Starting this fall, UCF fans will have less time to drink during tailgating before football games. Excuse me, what are you babbling about? UCF officials say come kick-off time fans will need to be in the stadium and not out in the parking lot drinking…Banning open containers on campus after kick-off. And if you break the rule, you could be arrested. HUH? UCF administrators say once the game starts, the drinking must stop. And this just in, UCF has banned students from having sexual intercourse in all dorm rooms as well…All violators will have to visit Dr. Ruth and who knows what the hell will go on there!

Hell, while UCF’s at it, why not stop the forward pass too? Tell George O’Leary that he has to go Tom Osbourne and Nebraska and not throw a pass for the entire season! Shit, what a football experience on a college campus…Next thing you’ll know, UCF will employ a curfew of 10:30 p.m. to students who live on campus.

Oh, but wait, there’s a catch! If you're buying beer at one of UCF's two restaurants then the beer keeps flowing after kick-off. Is this like the whole “I” before “E” except after “C” exception? So basically it’s, “Don’t buy your beer down at the 7-11 on the corner, buy all your hops from us!” So we can inflate the cost by 200 percent! But don’t worry, you can still have a good time, get drunk…You just will go broke doing it, instead of having money left over if you did business with 7-11! Shit, who needs freaking gas money anyway…Hell yeah boy, GO KNIGHTS!

Yeah, all UCF peeps can go to hell! It’s no wonder why they’re located in Orlando, home of Mickey Mouse…It’s the ideal place. That’s like going to a strip club where the lovely ladies can’t take off their tops…I no, I no, there’s clubs out there like that, called Bikini Clubs. Hell, if I wanted to see bitches in bikinis I go to the freaking beach. Same thing here, if I wanted to go to the bar to drink and watch the game I would damn it! Fact of the matter is I don’t! When I don’t have a ticket to the game and choose to get shitfaced in the stadium parking lot with co-eds drinking my own beer where I bought from Julio and his corner store I should have that choice!

UCF peeps decided to do this to make it a safer, more family filled environment. If you want family, go visit Mickey & Minnie down the road…For God sakes, it’s called football. All this from a university who couldn’t wait to get an on campus stadium…Now that they have one, they don’t know what it all entails!

"I think that's a good idea. A lot of drinking around, a lot of hard-core partying and drunk driving and stuff on games days. I'm scare to be on road on game days," said Morgan Ownes, a UCF student. Hello Megs, I know you have to be somewhat smart to get into the university, but lets look at this a little closer. Sorry you feel scared to be on the road on gamedays, but what’s so good about this idea? Peeps are still able to get shitfaced…Actually the university encourages it with the building of UCF's newest bar and grill called Tailgaters. Which just so happens to be on the way to Brighthouse Stadium…Gee, what a coincidence. It should be open by the fall semester…WOW, another coincidence! According to students and alumni, it will be packed with people who want to keep partying after kick-off. Yeah, no shit…All spending money, just what UCF wants!

Although she went on to say, "Definitely a double standard…If you can't do it at UCF but you can do it at UCF it doesn't make sense to me because it's still on campus." My dear, it’s all about dollars and cents! "If you have to go on campus to drink, I think that's bull because it's kind of expensive," said student Mike Deida. Right on bro!

So thank your lucky stars you’re not a UCF fan…Having to make the tough choice of your money to be GAS MONEY or BEER MONEY…Hmmm? Sorry Julio, looks like it might be time to close up shop, bud!

And just remember, this will not be tolerated on the campus of UCF…

Enjoy football season!

How Does Your "Ass Taste"?
WHOA! That’s pretty heavy shit, (oops, bad choice of words)! You gotta love TMZ and their brass of paparazzi’s…Never knowing where they’re going to pop up next with their cameras clicking, flashing, and of course rolling! By now we’ve all seen the video, (or we should’ve have since ESPN blew it up like a California wildfire raging out of control) although for those that haven’t might I suggest tell the ball & chain to pay the cable bill for this month! However, you’re in luck, I gotcha back…Here’s Shaq-Fu on the mic Sunday night at a NYC night club unleashing a freestyle verbal assault directed at his arch-enemy Kobe…Going as far as to blame him for ruining his marriage.
http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid285859616/bclid294430730/bctid1626146951
(Some scrolling down on the right hand side of the page needs to be done to find the damn clip)
Okay, so I’m guessing we’re pretty curious how Shaq’s ass tastes…That’s pretty much what I got out of this B Rabbit impersonation. So what is Shaq implying? He wants Kobe to taste it or something? I don’t know about you, but shit, if I was Kareem I’d be pissed…Calling me out like that. This two-ton fat ass doesn’t even compare to KAJ…Lets see, the league’s all-time leading scorer, shouldn’t KAJ be spitting at Shaq, "Tell me how my ass tastes." "I have a bigger sack than you…That’s why your wife left!"

Now of course Shaq had no idea TMZ was in the building…Oh yes, them sneaking paparazzi. So what’s a guy to do when he realizes that he’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar? What else, but tell Stephen A. Smith, "I was freestyling. That's all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MCs do. They freestyle when called upon. I'm totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all. And by the way, don't forget, six albums, two platinum, two gold. Anybody who knows me knows I'm a funny freestyler. Check the NBA DVD when I was rapping about Vlade Divac during my first championship run. Please tell everybody don't make something out of nothing."

Yes true, that’s what MC’s do, but I thought you were a broken down basketball player…Not a B Rabbit wannabe. You call that freestyling posing the question "tell me how my ass taste" countless times…I call that "the record is skipping, quick somebody give me a quarter!" Really are we surprised, I’m not…Your mic skills are just like your game on the hardwood! Broken down and really old…Not as you call yourself, a "funny freestyler"! Now B Rabbit, that cat’s a funny freestyler…This shit right here, I don’t know what the hell you call it, but it ain’t freestyling. It’s on the same level as Mark Madsen’s dancing skills! I’ve seen better freestyling than this down at my local Boys & Girls Club!

We can sure tell that you still don’t have a hard on against Kobe…Yeah, you’re totally cool with him! Actually I’m kind of jealous and questioning how close me and my boys are! Damn, we’ve never invited each other to taste one another’s ass…In hindsight, I guess we aren’t as cool as you and Kobe appear to be!

Why are you suggesting that we’re "making something out of nothing." Kind of like when you fat ass got traded to the Suns, right? In hindsight, that wasn’t a big deal…Actually, it made the less of a contender with your dead ass! Okay, why don’t we cut the shit…You still hate Kobe’s guts! And that’s a nice try to compare this spit with the NBA DVD when I was rapping about Vlade Divac during my first championship run. On second thought, it’s actually the same thing! You hated Vlade too! Just like you hate Kobe…So actually we don’t have to make anything out of it…The fact of the matter remains that you can’t stand Kobe Bean Bryant. That’s just the bottom line!

But asking him how your "ass taste"…Please do us a favor! Either stop spit on the mic because you literally blow goats at it…Or for the love of God, please have B Rabbit give you some freaking lessons!

So What to Make of the NBA Finals Ratings?
The NBA Finals games were the sixth highest-rated and most-watched programs so far in June, the first time that has happened in seven years. Aw yes, gotta love all that hype…Really, the league needs to send all the freaking media outlets thank you cards for building this damn series up! Okay, so I’ll admit I was taken down memory lane, back when I used to wear Superman and Smurfs underroos…Back when The Finals were on in the mid afternoon, not having to fill your gut up with Red Bull to watch the entire game. My guess is I probably wasn’t alone, and thus the reason why David Stern was dreaming of this matchup! This one wasn’t just viewed in local markets, it was viewed nationwide. The only question I have though, well, it’s in the damn headline…What to make of the NBA Finals ratings?

Boston's victory over the Los Angeles Lakers averaged a 9.3 rating for the series, up 50 percent over the 6.2 for San Antonio's sweep of Cleveland last year. Gee, that must’ve been so tough to do seeing as since I’m positive last years Finals had to of been blacked out in a lot of markets! And for good reasons! Now surely these numbers couldn’t be from solely the basketball alone…Because we all know, if the C’s didn’t fart around, this series would’ve been a sweep. So from the basketball stand point the competitiveness in this series was no better than that Spurs-Cavs matchup we saw a year ago! Actually, it’s likely a good thing the C’s made history in Game 4, coming back from that deficit and then tried to duplicate the feat 72 hours later…At least it gave the matchup some chatter, instead of saying the Lakers were overmatched in every which way!

Hell, that 9.3 rating strictly came from names…Boston, Los Angeles, Phil Jackson-Red Auerbach, Kobe, The Boston Three Party, all the nostalgia, etc., it didn’t come from the brand of bball! Shit, I’ve seen more competitive games down at the local YMCA than what ABC was offering! The Celtics' Game 6 clincher last Tuesday earned a 10.7 rating on ABC, averaging 16.9 million viewers over the course of the game. (Scratching my head) Okay, I get that it was, (or had the potential) to be a clinching game, but how does 16.9 million viewers watch the second most lop sided victory in Finals history? It’s real easy! There isn’t anything better to watch on the boob tube! Although if Nick at Nite was showing a Wonder Years marathon…I probably would’ve switched over to that. Love that Winne Cooper! Funny thing is, the ratings point out that The Belmont Stakes, with 13.1 million viewers, was the most-watched program thus far in June besides the NBA Finals. Gee, what’d ya know? Another hype filled event that came crashing down all around it! Awesome!

In all actuality this Laker-Celtic Finals was nowhere near what we were expecting…Our expectations were too high, living and trying to rekindle the mid to late 80’s. Sorry, that didn’t happen! The thing that this NBA Finals gave us, no, not that it was a great matchup…Conversely, it was a complete mismatch! This series once again solidified that Defense does win championships! And Paul Pierce should’ve been Jesus Shuttlesworth, not Ray Allen. (Debatable, I know!) For the peeps, (like myself) who don’t pay attention to the regular season or even playoffs, because I’d rather waste my time by seeing what's in my neighbor's trash! Very entertaining, I’ll tell you…Everybody should try it! Never know what one might find! Or if that’s not your cup of tea, I sometimes go back to my underroo days and make prank phone calls…Although with caller ID these days, it’s getting harder and harder! That’s why it’s important to turn your attention to fast food places…McDonalds, Burger King, Arby’s, Wendy’s, you get the point and try to make reservations!

Trust me…It’s more entertaining than these Finals were! I give a shit what the ratings say!

Ever Wonder the Difference Between Football and Baseball?
I know I have…Gees, I hope I’m not alone in this thought! Well, all I have to say is thank god for the great standup comedian George Carlin for helping me distinguish between the two with his famous explanation of the differences between baseball and football:

Thanks for helping me out! However, I’m still confused on the whole fouline, foulpole thingy…Is it fair?RIP brother, (damn, sorry for sounding like Hulk Hogan!)

How Many Days Until Footballs Start Flying?
However many of days the answer is, the only answer that matters is TOO FREAKING MANY! Are you freaking kidding me, in a span of 12 hours the NBA season concluded and so did the greatest golfer who has ever walked the planet, (arguably I guess…to me, there’s no arguing about it)! Now yes, Game 6 of The Finals was a bore, kind of on the same level as watching a Texas Ranger game…Although, the blowout gave me time for thoughts to enter my head. And the one interesting thought that came to mind, how much freaking gas did the Lakers waste by traveling back to Beantown for Game 6? Was I the only one who thought that? It made me want to impersonate Paul Pierce & KG and just yell at the top of my lungs for no damn reason! I know, I know, it’s jet fuel, but hell Michael Waltrip has a use for it!

Now that David Stern has awakened for his wet dream from having a Celtics-Lakers matchup, um, did it live up to the billing? Well, it definitely had more hype than the Spurs-Cavs matchup a year ago…As far as off the court goes. On the court, it was pretty much equal in terms of snooze fest and the series should’ve been a sweep. Hey here’s a thought, perhaps Tiger Woods should’ve suited up in the Purple & Gold and hopped around on one leg out there since this cat certainly has some balls in his bag…Hell, he couldn’t have done any worse than Kobe did! Though in Kobe’s defense, I’ll say that Pau GaSOFT and Lamar O-DAMN took big shits on 24. That doesn’t excuse the fact of the matter that if one’s mentioned in the same breath as Michael Jordan, they don’t find ways to lead their team to the good life! Oh well, one thing that came good out of these Finals, well two actually…One, the Lakers being embarrassed in every which way in the series and two, all the ridiculous notions that Kobe was in the same category as MJ, well, may they RIP.

Yeah, I admit somebody’s in the class of MJ, but not Kobe…It’s Tiger! Though here’s some inside information, Tiger just has more balls in his bag! Are you f****** serious, a Tigerless summer! What the hell do we do now…Well, besides start to crossing off the day on our calendar until football starts! Hell, I don’t know why I’m already looking forward to the season…My teams are going to suck big time ass! GO IRISH and GO BEARS! See what I mean! A Tigerless PGA is well along the same lines of watching a freaking baseball game on the boob tube…I’d rather try something different! Perhaps for entertainment I’ll try and do my best bird impression, by jumping off the top of my condo building, (it’s only 10 floors high) and then begin flapping my arms as fast as I can, hoping I have taken some great notes from birds over the years. Oh well, worst case scenario I plummet into the river…But don’t worry, the river will break my nose dive!

Okay, so that might be a tad of me exaggerating, but seriously lets be real…Nobody gives a shit about baseball until September, well except for the Baseball Tonight assmunches! God, how boring life must be for them! Oh yeah, and all their colleagues who cooked up the whole “TitleTown” spin off of Who’s Now to try and fabricate sports news, sorry to burst that bubble but I think we all know which town it is. Could it be BeanTown…If it’s not, everybody at ESPN should be shot!

So from now until mid-July, as sports fans, what is there for us? Major League Baseball everyday…I’d rather put my head in a mircowave on a daily basis and turn it on, of course! A Tigerless PGA Tour…I’d rather be harpooned with a flag stick, bow & arrow style! Oh wait, there’s NASCAR. I’d rather play human chicken with the 42-car field…Hey Digger does it! Fourth of July we have the Nathan’s Hotdogs Spew & Yak Attack…Love filling the gut with 20 pounds of pig ass! Yum, Yum! WNBA? Nuff Said there!!

For the love of God, I want my football…I want, I want, I want! I’m sure I’m not alone either! Yes, as sports fans, we’re in the dog days of summer…And yes, it blows goats! Well, I’m off to the 10th floor to scout things out…Perhaps Kobe might want to join me? Shaq – 1…Kobe – 0! That has to hurt!

Kobe Numbs Game Four Pain by Making out with Jack Daneils
All of of witnessed history last night...Perhaps that's why I had to chug down a six-pack of Red Bull this morning. Simply just had to clear the cob webs out of my melon. Speaking of cob webs, I wondered how many of L.A.'s finest phoney Laker fans took the advice of Kobe at the postgame mic and tied a couple on last night? Surely the Red Bull will be flowing all day in LALA Land...Although is there a better way to forget about a team who blows a 24 point lead on their home court to go down 3-1 against the hated Boston Celtics, than to make out with Jack Daneils & Captain Morgan to help numb the pain away?

Arizona State’s Motivating Pre-Game Fight "Was Fun"…Nevermind Dumb as Hell
It isn’t very often that we as sports fans get an opportunity to discuss actually what’s an important element in the world of sports…And that is motivation tactics. Too often it goes unnoticed the fact that every single coach, no matter on what level of athletics, are always searching to come up with a way to either inspire their team or light a forest fire under their asses, (without holding a match close to their bunghole and waiting for a supersonic fart to light it) in hopes of the adrenaline carrying over to the venue of play, giving their respective players a little bit more incentive to win one for the Gipper. These tactics have no limits…Ranging from speeches and words, to any kind of action a coach can think of. They can be thought of on the spur of the moment or can be planned out for a period of time.

Some can be very creative, while others can be, senseless! I’ve both seen & been a part of senseless. It was in my college years as a student assistant basketball coach/manager…Playing our arch rivals later on that night at home, coach comes in the locker room, (not the smartest person to begin with when it came to bball) with a box. Tells the team, "We got a package from Florida Southern this morning…You want to know how much they respect you, (upon reaching in the box)? This, this is how much they respect you, (and he subsequently pulled a tampon out of the box). Going on to add, "and there’s one for each of you in here!" Now I know, this is one of the oldest tricks in the book…I wasn’t made aware of what he was going to do, but I knew what the hell was in the box. I thought, "Okay, that was a good idea to pull." Just one small problem, when you leave the locker room, take the box with you. Why? Well, the address label was filled out, just one small issue…The handwriting was that of the assistant coach, yeah, not smart genius!

Anyhow, that lame ass experience I experienced is nothing like the shit the Arizona State baseball team pulled with their season on the line no less in a winner-take-all elimination game against Fresno State. Okay, I get that it was a tense time, hello, that’s why they’re called elimination games…But hello, you play baseball for ASU, which last time I checked was one of the top collegiate baseball programs in the nation. So lets see, just because you dumbshits can’t take the pressures of what it takes to be a Sun Devil, and who are pissing themselves like a water main break…Dumb & Dumber, (ASU teammates Brett Wallace and Ike Davis) decide to take it upon themselves to break the tension in a Three Stooges kind of way. By what else, but having a fight, much to the surprise of Sun Devil fans & Fresno State Bulldogs alike. In hopes of somehow this well planned out Moe & Curly tactic would distract the Fresno players. Simply awesome, simply impressive, simply inspiring…Now there’s a motivational move, straight out off a Beavis & Butthead episode. Let’s have two numbnuts duke it out before the game on the field so ESPN cameras can catch the ludicrousness, (Video can be seen here) and then when you lose 12-9 and not advancing the ASU baseball program can be the laughing stock of the country!
So, why stage a fight before the most important game of the season?

"We wanted to do it to loosen up the team a little bit and maybe get the other team to think about other things," Davis said after the game. "It didn’t work, but it was fun."

Think about things, yeah that really worked, now didn’t it! Yeah, they really thought about things! It’s more like they laugh at your sorry, loser asses! You’re one game away from advancing to the CWS and you dillweeds have to pull a stunt that Little Leaguers don’t even pull to get your sorry asses motivated. Makes perfect sense to me! But, I’m glad you had fun while doing what it! Man, I don’t know why more teams don’t think of doing this. Since it’s so much "FUN"! And since it was so much "FUN, and considering you’ll be sitting home on your asses during the Erin Andrews College Baseball Classic, perhaps you may want to hit up CBS…See if you can get a cameo on EliteXC Saturday Night Fights. I’m sure Kimbo Slice will have FUN giving you "cauliflower ear"! Now that would be "FUN!"

Here’s more about Dumb & Dumber’s from the EAST VALLEY TRIBUE about the all planned out punch out.

Tiger Backs off His Hockey Remarks…Milbury still Thinks He’s a Meathead-Wuss
For a second, let’s go back in time, shall we? I always love to do this…Reminiscing! Especially when it comes to taking part in a 15-minute bed full body workout! D’OH…Enough of that, some little tike may be reading this. Let’s take a trip back to June 3…Not that far back. It was a time where the Detroit Red Wings hadn’t hoisted Lord Stanley’s Cup yet. The ratings for the Stanley Cup Finals were at an all-time high, (or at least the highest they’ve been in years) and one would assume it had to do with the two participating teams…After all, who really wants to see a team from Carolina, Tampa Bay, or even Anaheim skating on frozen water!

Yes, on June 3 life for the NHL seemed to be on the up and up…That’s until a little detail that leaked out at the end of a conference call ahead of this year's PGA Championship. By now, all of us have heard TW’s thoughts about the NHL, but for those Caveman still roaming the earth, here’s what he had to say…
JULIUS MASON: Mr. Woods, Julius Mason here. We're joined by about 75 of your closest friends and I think off the top of their head they have one burning question for you, Detroit or Pittsburgh tonight? In the Stanley Cup finals. (Laughter.)

TIGER WOODS: That's pretty good. I don't really care, let's talk about the Dodgers. (Laughter.)

JULIUS MASON: Politically correct as always and that's what we ?

TIGER WOODS: I don't think anybody really watches hockey any more. (Laughter.)

Okay, so Tiger Woods is unlike Happy Gilmore…Guess we can't be surprised to discover that Woods doesn't watch hockey. That’s the trend in this country ever since ESPN dropped its NHL coverage coming out of the lockout three years ago…So actually by saying that TW’s in the majority.

Majority or not, those comments, for whatever reason, lit a fire in Mike Milbury’s Fruit of the Looms to which he sculled a 3-iron back at him last week with…

"You know what? I'm gonna change the name now. It's gonna be Tiger Wuss. Here's a guy that took about three months to get over a simple arthroscopic surgery. You look at [Pens forward] Ryan Malone. His face exploded with a slap shot last night - he's back out in 10 minutes!"Keep your yap shut, Tiger, or I'll send a couple of wingers down there - [Pens forward] Gary Roberts - to tidy you up a little bit, meat head."

ZING! So Mike, why don’t you tell me how you really feel, bud! Don’t hold back now! Although Tiger Wuss, a meathead, I can definitely see you aren’t "Smarter Than a Fifth Grader"! Think Jeff Foxworthy would agree! It seems as if Mike Milbury took offense to TW's comment regarding the Stanley Cup Finals…Honestly, I always wanted to see Bob Barker-Happy Gilmore Version 2.0 and well this pretty much fits the bill!

Putting aside the NHL’s lame ass television package to viewers which is along the lines of Pee-Wee Herman freaking television marathon, which can be found somewhere in the mid 500’s on your boob tube, the league has for all intensive purposes gotten more and more coverage since returning. This year alone ESPN has beefed up their coverage, both on the boob tube and online.
But like all of us, we may joke about the league and all it’s recent history and apparently now that’s what Woods was apparently trying to do…Can’t blame him, we’ve all done it! Just one little OOPS…It backfired! Yesterday talking to Jeremy Fowler, the Orlando Sentinel reporter behind the blog Roughing It about the comment and the subsequent fallout…Woods said he was trying to be funny but it backfired. His point was that TV merely can't do hockey justice because it's so great live. "I've gotten a lot of grief over that," Woods said. "I said what I said."

Now is this Tiger’s way of making light of the fact that Mike Milbury slam his he into the boards, or was this actually Tiger’s intent in the first place…To which that famous phrase applies, "My comments were taken out of context"? We’ll never know! Odds are he was, since he’s not that much of a dillweed…And given the fact that a lot of peeps out there feel the same way about golf, but one thing I do know is as mentioned earlier, we all take shots at the NHL…Bashing it to know end, but I’ll say in the defense of the game, and I’m sure I’m not alone when doing so. Attending an NHL game and seeing it live, well no HDTV can do the game justice!

While I’m willing to give Woods the benefit of the doubt, believing that his comments were nothing more than we all say and do in regards to the NHL…NHL purests on the other hand will, well do what Milbury did! Fire back at public figures who rip there sport.

Rick Dutrow's Blaming You for Big Brown’s Misfortune
So here we are, 96 hours removed from Big Brown taking a Big Brown Shit on Saturday somewhere in New York, finishing last by the way…Somehow makes more headlines than the actual winner. How the f*** does that work? Oh yeah, when horsey has a jackass for a trainer! Although, one would’ve thought when stuffed both of his feet down his throat that he’d still be trying to get them out…Guess that’s wishful thinking on my back! His freaking pie hole is open like the local 7-11…And here it is Wednesday and his loose lips are still bumping together.

I suppose what’s one to do when unforseen amounts of money for douchebag Trainer Rick Dutrow Jr goes up in smoke, but what else…Let’s start pointing the finger at everybody! No, No, lets not accept the fact that Little Brown is just like any other horse…Let’s blame the trailer hauler the dude working stall security, the poor bastards who all took pictures of Big Brown that Saturday, the track itself, the paperboy, the UPS guy, the flower delivery guy, since we know his love for flowers), and on and on. Oh yeah, don’t forget the weatherman while we’re at it…Why do he have to have it so freaking hot!

Okay, so he won two legs of the Triple Crown, who doesn’t? That’s like saying a lot of peeps out there have hemorrhoids issues! Or that the particular team they cheer for in college football made it to a bowl game…Wow, really, you don’t say! However instead of just doing that, hell lets just tie down Kent Desormeaux to the Belmont racing surface and just have a few thoroughbreds trample him…Hell, that sounds like a better idea!

Are you freaking kidding me, KD is the reason for Big Brown's stunning last-place finish in the Belmont Stakes…I guess whatever helps you sleep at night in that damn barn. This coming from "Trainer Douchebag Who My Little Horsey Can’t Cash the Checks I Write for it" who makes no bones about it shoots his four legged pals up with roids…But there’s nothing wrong with that, right? Oh wait a minute, there very well could be seeing as since Double B ran like a 2008 Z06 Corvette for the first two legs of the Triple Crown and then did a damn good job of impersonating a 1982 Ford Pinto. But, of course, that couldn’t be at all the issue as to what happened on Saturday…Surely it couldn’t, for the simple fact that would mean the finger would point at you!

Here’s another interesting carrot to cram down your cakehole, Padre. If I seem to remember, didn’t Big Brown Horsey have a crack in his hoof? Not I’m now a jackass expert, (unlike yourself, Jack) but I do watch football…And hey, what’d ya know. When both Shaun Alexander and Larry Johnson had issues with their hoofs in respective years, well a funny thing happened…They were forced out of action and their hurt asses stood on the sidelines. Gee, imagine that…But we all knew that wasn’t an option for Double BB! If there was a way you, (did I mention YOU) could band aid and get him on the track, hell that’s what it was going to be! Find it very interesting that you spout off at the mouth in your guarantees that you claimed to love this horse so much…Yeah, I can really feel the love, bro! First you go Barry Bonds/Roger Clemens on BB, then you expect him to cash all your checks with a cracked hoof. Man, if that’s not love, hell, I don’t know what is!

"I don't want to hurt anyone, especially Kent," Dutrow told The Associated Press on Tuesday morning in his barn at Aqueduct. "But I still don't understand what happened. I don't see the horse with a problem, so I have to direct my attention toward the ride. That's all I can come up with." Um, ever hear of a bad day? Why of course you have…You just had one on Saturday! Perhaps this was the only way Big Brown could get back at your ass for all the shit that you’ve put him through was to take a big ole dookie on you was to tank the race. Now, I don’t speak horse, (hell, I have a hard enough time with the English language) but I’d say…Mission
Accomplished!

Dutrow had no regrets about his bombastic proclamation that Big Brown clinching the Triple Crown was a "foregone conclusion." That’s a lie, don’t kid yourself dillweed…You know damn well if you could do it all over again, knowing what you do now, you would’ve made the call to Roger Clemens, requesting some "Rocket Fuel"! "It's not like I'm going to go and cry in the corner," Jackass Trainer said. Oh really? Honestly, you could’ve fooled me, because ever since you started chirping about the impersonation that Double B did of Kyle Petty on Saturday, well it has always sounded like this. Perhaps it’s just me, but that’s what my ears hear!

"Maybe next week if something starts going wrong with the horse, then I'll understand everything," he said. Understand this pal…It’s time for you to go back in the barn, find a stable with a lot of hay and then bury your freaking head in it!

What’s Next for Both the Bears and Cedric Benson?
Okay, originally my plan was to publish this post yesterday…However, due to my pleasant surprise the Chicago Bears kicked Cedric Benson out the freaking door! WOOHOO! In that piece, I posed the question of “How Much Longer Until the Bears Toss Cedric Benson’s Keys into Lake Michigan With Career?” Well I guess that particular question was answered yesterday, however let me see if I’ve got this straight…Not only don’t the Chicago Bears have a legitimate starting quarterback on their roster, but now in addition they don’t have a legitimate starting running back either, although it’s highly debatable if Benson was a legitimate starter! It could be argued that once they traded away Thomas Jones, well, did they really ever have one? If you ask me, that has always been a simple question for me to answer…Really easy, it’s “NO!” Less than two years removed from the Super Bowl…Less than two years removed from having one of the best 1-2 punches in their backfield in the entire league once they trade Thomas Jones, did they really ever have one? And Cedric Benson was making it more and more easier by the month…And he’s evidently more suited and talented to make out with every alcoholic beverage known to man than carry a pigskin in the NFL! Um, Thomas Jones, can you hear me…Where you at boy, oh that’s right, you’re in New York? Of course the Bears brass will blow smoke up our asses and suggest that they’re very happy that they moved Thomas Jones…Yeah, about as happy as we are that George Wiener Bush has been president for two freaking terms! Hey Shaun Alexander, you still need work, right? Kevin Jones, anybody?

Ugh, what would be worse…Relying on Benson or making the call to Alexander? Less than 24 hours ago I wrote that the phone call to Alexander peeps wouldn’t happen, that it’d be wishful thinking on my part…Simply because to a man the Bears would suggestthat they’re quite content with their running back situation…Even though Benson was trying his damndest to land a starring role on The Second Season of Playmakers. Well there went that theory up in a Ricky Williams puff of smoke! I’d figured, unlike what this same franchise who cut ties with Tank Johnson for being in the headlines for all the wrong reason, with the last straw coming when somehow authorities made the mistake of charging Johnson with driving under the influence and later dropping the charges do to a big ole fat OOPS! Whether it was an OOPS or not, the Bears cut him like a bad habit!

Just 24 hour ago I wondered if the Bears implemented the same game plan when it came to Benson as they did with Johnson? Should they? Um yeah…Most likely Will they? Um, I didn’t figure on the Bears following in those same footsteps…Didn’t think they had big enough grapes to give him the boot for the simple fact that, just like in the case of Wrecks Grossman, Benson too was a high draft choice, making these cats, well like cats…They seemingly have nine lives! They’re not going to throw that away. D”OH, wait a minute…I think Benson’s nine lives just ran out! That’s okay, nothing some Jack Daniels can’t cure CB!

Besides causing the Bears a lot of headaches and forced them to pay out a lot of jack for his services, what has Benson provided? Discounting the fact that he found himself with alcohol in his system, by his own admission, and behind the wheel of a car at 3 AM (A pause for about 10 minutes while I ponder) Um, I got nothing, notta…Oh wait, he’s shown the Bears he doesn’t have good judgment at all…But wait, that’s not a good thing either! Shit! I can’t find a positive regarding Benson! Does a loser and a bust count?

So where do the Bears go from here? Oh man, it’s going to be one suck ass year for Bear fans…Oh yeah, that includes myself. Lets see, we have the law firm quarterback stable of Dumb & Dumber…A receiving core, which I’ve see better receivers on the Junior Varsity team down the street. Actually, it really doesn’t matter since neither quarterback will be able to get them the freaking ball anyway! And it looks like at running back, well to my shocking surprise, they seem to be okay with a Benson-less future…

"I love Matt Forte," Bears offensive coordinator Ron Turner said Sunday during a break at the Bears Expo. "He will definitely be an every-down back. He's got the size, he's got the hands. He's smooth as an athlete, very smooth." My God…Who? Awesome, a rook…Oh, it’s going to be a long 2008 football season for me! In addition, I’m a Notre Dame fan as well!

Would you guys pick up the phone and either call Shaun Alexander’s peeps or Kevin Jones’s brass…One of them! I know, both have durability issues…I get that! However, Matt Forte needs a learning curve…The other Adrian Peterson can’t carry the load, same thing goes for Garrett Wolfe. Sure, they’re great complementary backs, but that’s as far as it goes with either of them two. Honestly I think Kevin Jones is a better fit in Chicago…A more versatile back that can do a little bit of everything, with the all important less miles on the body than Alexander!

As for Benson…What’s next for Mr. Boozer, (sorry Carlos, don’t mean to insult you) with two brush with the law in a span of a month regarding the same shit. Perhaps the Cincinnati Bengals need another running back to help Rudi Johnson? Although in Benson defense regarding his latest cameo appearance in the back of a cop car, (doubting it’ll be the last too) he says…

"I ACED THE FIELD TEST, CHECK THE VIDEO"

That text message was to Peggy Kusinski of WMAQ-TV in Chicago. You don’t say? Check the video…By golly, I think some teams will. After all, in the NFL teams love to study film! Um CB, you have better hope that the video, unreleased as yet, backs up your assertion boy. Even if it doesn’t, we all know this shit for brains will land on some NFL roster…And as crazy as this might sound, I can see New England signing him. After all, they don’t really need him, so it’s no skin off their backs…Really a no lose situation for them, but if he straightens his shit out, (which I doubt) well, lets just say the rich keep getting richer! After all they were very intrigued in drafting the services of Darrin McFadden.

The fact of the matter is CB was on thin ice even before he began to make cameo mug shot appearances. Known for a semi-fumbler on the field, (does such even exist) he’s a full fledged one off the field and for a running back in the NFL when it comes to fumbling the keys to your sorry ass career away…Well Ced, you’re heading down the correct path! Did you read that sign? Of course not, you were too drunk…It said: Cedric Benson’s Life, A Dead End Street!

Did Somebody Order Some Grape(s) Juice?
This video is part of the Parental Advisory Label Program that allows parents to show their young little guys what not to do if some day they have envisions of having young little guys themselves! Kids, pay close attention...You'll learn a very important lesson here...Roll It!

http://view.break.com/516659 - Watch more free videos
Ouchy, Ouchy, Ouchy...Although I'll admitt, I just soaked my drawers laugh my ass off! What is it about seeing others go through extreme pain that we always tend to find so funny? Likely has to do with the fact that we have enough marbles in our head to know not to try a dumbass stunt!

At any rate, what was the important lesson learned here little boys...Anybody know? Plain and simple...It takes balls to skateboard and, well, from time to time you may loose'em. Look on the bright side though, you'll always have homemade grapejuice! Putting a whole different perspective on the pharse, "RIDE OR DIE"!

If you thought the Super Bowl Shuffle Was God Awful…
Believe me, after watching this following video you will think the 85 Bears should’ve received a Grammy for their shuffling. We all know in the late 80s and throughout the 90s the NBA ran public service announcements telling snot nose kids lie you and I to "Stay in School", "Just Say NO to Drugs", etc…Yeah, that shit works real good! Lets see here, "Stay in School, because it’s your best move"…Sure, tell that to Michael Bealsey, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durrant, Greg Oden, need I go one, or to you get my point? And about that "Just Say NO to Drugs" thingy…Apparently that fell on deaf ears too! Isn’t that right Josh Howard?

At any rate, yes David Stern is still living in his Wet Dream a the Lakers-Celtics are back in The Finals with the scene shifting to TinselTown tonight for Game 3…Bringing back so many memories for all of us! One memory I could do without, and I’m sure I’m not alone once you see this video is "The Showtime Lakers" doing the best impression of a rap video, (at least I think they were trying to rap) as they try to do their part in helping spread the word in the late 80’s of "Just Say NO to Drugs".

Bad idea, real bad idea…This video/song will want to make you do drugs and hang out with Cedric Benson and Ricky Williams! A fantastic Texas Two Step! Roll It…


Why are my FREAKING EARS BLEEDING!!

Have you Jacked Up Your Local Supermarket for Cough Meds Lately?
Oh man, what a weekend! You ever get a weekend that every possible thing that happens to you is a good one? Those are the weekends to live for! However, I’ll be totally honest, it wasn’t perfect…It was almost perfect. See, perfect would’ve been if we had some freaking rain in Central Florida…I know the Rays are hot, by my God, can we just see it rain on their parade at least for a little while. Man, I’ll tell you, I’m sweating more so than a whore does in church…Other than that though, the weekend was “nine bags of chips” as Howie Schwab would suggest!

The Lakers are down 2-0…But don’t worry all you Purple & Gold “Bandwagon Jumpers,” (Mike Bibby sends his regards) with the series shifting to TinselTown, David Stern and the NBA has your guys back! The only question that there will be is who will take the 3-2 series lead back to BeanTown…So no need to get your Hanes all in a bunch! Not only that, it was another year and other Triple Crown threat that went up in smoke. Now I have mixed emotions about the Belmont…I wanted to see Double BB pull off something that hasn’t been down in my lifetime, however I wanted to see the trainer dude, the one whose yap is open more than a freaking 7-11 get cake all over his face! Hey trainer dude, that’s what happens when big ole horsey can’t cash the check you write…You’re just standing there in your soaked drenched Armani threads wanting to bury you head in Big Brown’s hay! Hell, I’ve seen better from UPS trucks…And surprisingly they don’t need steroids to function, only gas! Something Little Brown ran out of, leaving you to wondering what went wrong and just standing there looking like Jackass Number One bud!

See, now here’s where my weekend got interesting…As I was feeling my wild oats after the Belmont, feeling frisky if you will, having Top Gun’s theme song “Highway to the Danger Zone” song of in my melon I had to do something with my Saturday night. So I decided to take a page out of the playbook of Paul Laurence Dunbar High School star running back Jarred Green. You know the one that made him famous just 24-hours before I became a full-fledged copycat where J.G. was charged with first-degree robbery by Lexington Po-Po after he “allegedly” tried to steal cough medicine from the Kroger pharmacy. Damn, I knew I did something wrong…I chose a Pic-N-Save, DO’H!

Yes sir, there’s nothing like bringing first degree robbery charges against oneself over a bottle of Robtussin! Excuse me, it was four packs of Coricidin. My advice, should’ve stuck with Tussin, especially DM…Does the trick for me every time! Though this unheard of medication by moi has hallucinogenic properties in high dosages…So I’m guessing your Marijuana, "Angel Dust", “Ecstasy" hookup either ran dry or doesn’t have the new AT&T and you didn’t feel like becoming Lexington’s version of Johnny Knocker…


Not only that, after having your hand caught in the cookie jar, (or in this case pharmacy) why not make matters worse and go Rocky Balboa on store employees, giving the store's manager cuts and scratches to his wrist, and a loss prevention officer also received cuts and scrapes to her knees. Awesome! Not only do you jack cough meds, you, well, fight like a sissy too. Nice! I’m sure this is exactly what Herb Brooks and The University of Kentucky football program had in mind when you recently committed to play football next fall. OOPS! Hey, don’t worry Cough Meds Sticky fingers, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about when it comes to them ripping your scholarship up…We’re talking about Kentucky Wildcat football here! They need all the help they can get…I’m sure they were blown away by the Kroger surveillance video of which they saw you holding on to those four packs of Coricidin oh so well! Not at all worried about you becoming a fumbling liability in the backfield! Though on second thought, your shop lifting skills are better suited in Tallahassee at Florida State! “Dag Gum It!” Bobby Bowden would just love your ass! They just love their “Sticky Fingers” in Tally!

And to think we all thought that numbskull at Purdue, (Torri Williams) was a shit for brains for stealing condoms in his shop-lifting episode. Look, I can appreciate dude trying to promote the game of safe sex and something we all should be doing, but come on…You play big time college football, (I think, if Purdue’s considered that). We know you get ass everyday of the week, but resorting to a game a 10-year game play in jacking a box of “Boilmakers”…What, did your Pell Grant not come through? Or did you forget you meal money?

Like I said, trying to have safe sex, well I can appreciate…Dude jacking up a pharmacy just to get high on cough meds, well if I was the University of Kentucky I may just want to reconsider and reevaluate Mr. One Jarred Green and what he’ll bring to the UofK! And oh yeah, for the record Greene pleaded not guilty. Then again, don’t they all!

Break into Noah Herron’s Pad and Get a Bedpost to the Grill
Rule of thumb is, nobody sits home on a Friday night…Hell no, after a week with all the employees we oh so love very much, (on the love level of having a colonoscopy) we want to let loose and make out with our favorite bottle, which includes the likes of Captain, Jack, and perhaps if you’re in the Kellan Winslow Jr. category of being "a soldier" Patron. Nonetheless, whoever you chose to wrap your lips around and enjoy tasting all the while burning the shit out of ones chest, everybody gets a glow about them and starts to become very brave…God, I love that state of being! It’s like being in the zone…Feeling you can say and do anything without any repercussions! OOPS…On second thought, there might be one small minor repercussion. Don’t expect to invade the home of Green Bay Packers running back Noah Herron and get away with it.

Now I don’t know if dude was drunk after a Friday night out and was feeling his wild oats…However, one thing I do know is Herron’s fine. The intruder dude, well, he’s not. Why am I suddenly hearing Tom Petty singing "Don’t Come Around Here No More?" The Green Bay Press Gazette reports that Herron called police Friday night and reported that he heard glass breaking in the lower level of his home and that an unknown number of people had entered. Looking for a way to protect himself, Herron went straight into the "protect home from invasion" offense and ran it flawlessly by unscrewing a post from his bed. When an intruder got to Herron's bedroom before the police got there, Herron played a little "swing batter, batter" with him with the bedpost…Who needs a Louisville Slugger when you have a detachable bedpost just lying on the nightstand? There’s nothing like taking a bedpost to somebody’s grill! Of course, I joke…But after the tragedy that struck Sean Taylor last fall, we whole-heartedly understand the concern that Herron was facing.

Of course now this all means that intruder dude will be pressing some kind of "my dog ate my homework" charges against Noah Herron in the amount of a cool $2.4 million for 'emotional trauma' after brutal assault…Once getting out of the hospital after getting jacked up by a bedpost. Likely to sue Ethan Allen for making a bedpost that can unscrew and become a Louisville Slugger in a matter of seconds to causing his appearance to be altered in a way one can only imagine. Oh yes, rest assure all this is coming…Never mind the fact that Noah Herron’s human piñata has been involved in about 20 burglaries in the area with his sidekick who didn’t have the luxury of taking a bedpost to the cakehole. I can see the plea now…Was brainwashed by my friend Jack Daniels! Jack had complete control of my body…I told him to stop whispering in my ear, but he wasn’t having any of it! Yeah, I can see that plea coming to a Wisconsin courtroom sometime in the near future! Thus getting off on some community service bull shit!

In reality it’s too bad that I’m not joking! Dude will cut a deal, get off on some loop hole. And where just last fall we had almost this same exact situation arise with Sean Taylor…Though the outcome was far from comical as it was in this instance! Kudos to Noah for thinking fast and acting fast to protect himself and his home…Something every one of us would’ve done. And let that be a lesson to all of us: A bed post is a good way to get out of a dangerous situation. And to the all wannabe burglars out there…Next time you cats what to jack up an NFLer’s pad, case the joint first…Check to see there’s no detachable bed posts the owner can use!

Wade to Hometown Bulls?
Like a lot of sports nuts, there’s a lot of shit I find confusing in the sports world. Yesterday Fred Mitchell of the Chicago Tribune wrote a piece on how Dwyane Wade says he keeps hearing his name mentioned in trade rumors involving the Bulls and Miami Heat. And well, before one knew it, it spread faster than a California wildfire! Good going Fred, California loves you too!

On the heels of the NBA Finals, Fred decided to stir the pot a little, deflecting some attention away from it for a few milli seconds regarding potentially a trade that would have the Bulls give up the No. 1 draft position to the Heat in exchange for Wade and the No. 2 overall selection. Or some combination of other players and picks. Very interesting stuff to chew on indeed! Now we all know Wade hails from Chi-Town…And like so many grew up idolizing Jordan, which would undoubtedly be welcomed back home with open arms. Although, I have to ask, not if these trade rumors have any merit to them…But rather, would a trade like this make sense for both teams?

Sure, D-Wade is one of the most dynamic players in the league today…He’s also very injury prone too! Why would the Bulls want to give up not only the overall pick, but in addition as Mitchell points out and/or some combination of other players for this potential Red Cross hazard. A hazard that FEMA would have to think twice before getting involved! Okay, so I get that the NBA is virtually all about potential…Well, potentially speaking this could have disaster written all over it for the Bulls. Nobody knows if Wade is damaged goods or not…In this instance, the risks simply out-weigh the rewards. Although if that “some combination of players” Mitchell speaks about could somehow include Pot Head Noah…Then, hell, John Paxson, pull that trigger son!

From the Miami Heat’s perspective…What the hell’s the difference if you pick number one or number two? It’s just like last year between Oden and Durrant…You’re either going to have Rose or Beasley fall into your freaking lap! So why want to move up…That is if the rumors are more than rumors, more like serious concerns about Wade not resigning with you guys after his extension runs dry. If it’s that, then I can totally see the perspective you cats are coming from! And that’s precisely why this “trade” would make any sense to do…Thinking Wade is a bad apple and trying to pawn him off on somebody else while trying to rebuild your own team with a plethora of players.

Well, if we’re all giddy up for the NBA Finals to start…Hell, screw that, I’m a Bulls fan! Get me to draft night to see what kind of fireworks go on there. Personally, I don’t make this deal for the simple fact of Wade’s injury prone history…Too many miles I think.

To read Mitchell’s piece…
http://chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sports/basketball/bulls/cs-080602-dwyane-wade-chicago-bulls-trade,1,6735188.column

"Kiss Cam" Almost Gets Lesbians Kicked Out of Mariners Game
We’ve all been to sporting events and venues who in the down time of the action decides to put their little cute "Kiss Cam" to work up on the JumboTron. They scan the crowd for couples who then smooch to the roar (or apathy) of the assembled masses. Because of that, I've always assumed that kissing was A-OK at America's ballyards. Actually one might say that the "kiss cam" is a staple of going to an sporting event. Now granted, we, (men) aren’t really all down with this "smoochers delight"…As we came to watch the game, not take part in some kissing contest. Nevertheless we oblige willingly to lay one on the old battle ax, for two reasons. One, we don’t look like a punk…And two, we don’t have to listen to the ball-n-chain during the rest of the game sitting there and pestering our ass about why we didn’t play tonsil hockey. Yes sir, staples at American sporting events are hot dogs, popcorn, and the "kiss cam".

Well apparently I’m not up on my geography…Because, well either Seattle isn't in America or they've got a real problem with homosexuality. I’m going to have to say Seattle isn’t down with homos especially at Mariners games! Recently at a game a lesbian couple enjoyed a brief peck on the lips while they appeared on the kiss cam…And they were subsequently met with a swift and angry reaction from stadium security. In addition to the security dude who got his undies in a bunch, at least one mom at Safeco field is not a fan. My guess she wasn’t alone, she just said something:

"And he (the security guard) goes 'there's a lady whose son says he saw you guys making out, and I did, too. And you have to stop.' And I said 'well, we weren't making out, but we were kissing and I'm not going to stop,'" said [Sirbina] Guerrero (the offender).

Guerrero says the only reason she was called out was because of her sexual orientation.
"(The security guard said) the mom doesn't want to explain to the kids why two girls are kissing. So I said 'well, I'm not going to stop, so you'll have to kick me out. So he said 'so I suggest you leave then,"' she said.

Tell you what Mr. Security dude and dear old mom…When sonny boy starts to get some hair on his eggs, he’s not going to be able to get enough of two girls kissing! Not only that, um guys, have you ever heard of this thing called the Internet…I’m guessing Little Jack knows his way around cyberspace! So I’m having a difficult time believing that Little Jack in the Box hasn’t seen females kiss before, (not that I’ve got first hand knowledge of this or anything like that…I’ve just heard things).

They didn't get kicked out, despite Safeco's code of conducts which note that "displays of affection are not appropriate in a public family setting." Although that’s not the point here…Point is every professional sports franchise in this country should know and fully understand the repercussions that go along with something like this. They know loose screws are going to go awol over this. So hey, here’s a quick fix…If this sort of activity that "displays of affection are not appropriate in a public family setting," um, why scan the crowd with "kiss cam" then…Hmmm? Yeah, that’s a nice "my dog ate my homework excuse", really, it is…And when pigs fly out of my ass I’ll believe it, but not until then! Seeing as since the couple took several pictures of heterosexual couples kissing to point out the double standard. Oh yeah, and lets not forget that’s the whole concept and notion behind the kissing cam in the first place…To lay one on hun-hun whenever you’re on the freaking "kiss cam"!

They didn't get kicked out, despite "Safeco's code of conducts". I could see a judge actually finding humor in laughing at in court as this couple sues Safeco & the Mariners. Although clearly this is just another example of standards not being the same for all of society. Hell, if there’s double standards in sporting events…Where the fukc is society heading? Only in America I guess…Where else? Everywhere the issue regarding sex and all that it encompasses is really no big deal. For some reason it’s only here in America where two lesbians attend a baseball game for the day…Appear on the "kiss cam" and makes headlines for all the wrong reasons!

Here’s a thought, everybody attending the game had to buy a ticket, right ? So shouldn’t the same standards apply to everyone in attendance, regardless of sexual orientation? Hmm....

Detroit Fans See Red in Triple OT
Aww man, what in the hell is up with all these noises I hear in my head? Does anybody else have this problem? For the life of me I can’t figure out what the hell in stems from! It’s like all these damn sirens are going off in my freaking melon at once! Perhaps it might have something to do with the six pack of Red Bull I just chugged down. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but actually I had no choice…I need to kick start my day after a late night/early morning. And since Red Bull gives you wings, I figured why not get all AMPed up! Speaking of Wings, it’s all starting to come back to me now…I now know what all these noises I hear in my noodle are from!

They’re just all the disgruntled Red Wings fans who left The Joe last night, (or I should say early this morning) with no championship merchandise in their grubby little paws. Nope…Sorry! All the Red Wings gave them was some sleep deprivation before heading off to work this morning. Damn, the local strip clubs in Detroit I’m sure could’ve given them all the same thing…A little tease here, tease there, and another tease, some action for jackson all the way over there for the price of a ticket the cats shelled out to see their Wings skate with Lord Stanley. Perhaps Lord Stephanie would’ve been a better option on this night…Throw all your money away, but just think, Lord Steph would’ve sent you home with a smile on your face instead of all the sourpusses that left The Joe last night!

You talk about the ultimate tease though, the Wings and their fans definitely got it last night and the rest of us who tuned into NBC’s coverage…No strip clubs and/or pole huggers needed! Sure, we all witnessed the Patriots give their fans a huge tease too in Super Bowl XLII, but Detroit virtually took a page out of the “Shock & Awe” playbook as we invaded Iraq, (what, in 2002…Can’t remember, been far too long) you talk about seeing Red, hell that’s all Theo Flurrey saw from the third period on. Bomb after bomb was launched at his grill…And he did nothing as to even flinch, but rather chose to stand on his freaking head to take the series back to Pittsburgh. Now for the select few who chose to watch Game 5, after seeing the bombs Flurrey was taking left and right most likely thought the series was returning to Pittsburgh for Game 6. Dude was seriously en fuego!

Hell, if that wasn’t enough for ya, for peeps who stand up to the end got to not only hear Petr Sykora’s “called shot to Brian Engblom”, but witness as well! How awesome is that? A cat in overtime, where so much fluky shit can happen, as usually does, puts his stones on the table telling Engblom that “he’s going to score the game winner” and then actually does it…Man definitely has a pair of stones! Babe Ruth Who?

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/22825103/vp/24941503#24941503

So now what to make of Game 6 tomorrow? Did the Pens just prolong the inevitable? Probably. Even so don’t tell them that! Hell, they had their chance to lay in their grave last night as the Wings were shoving dirt on them faster than a bulldozer could…Could’ve packed it in as they saw a train hightailing it down the tracks right at them! Could’ve done that and more, but instead chose to fight and live another day and got rewarded with the opportunity to skate on home ice one last time to see if they could push this series to the brink! And if that does happen, well all bets all off…We all know nothing’s a for sure thing in Game 7’s. So if you think the Wings faithful had a bunch of sourpusses on, leaving The Joe in Game 5, what kind of looks will these fans have upon entering The Joe for Game 7…Knowing full well that yes, they’re only 60 minutes away from the Stanley Cup, but that seems a lifetime from being only 35 ticks away from one!

Gross Man or Orton…Not Just a Quarterback Dilemma in Chi-Town!
So the Chicago Bears had their mini-camp this past week and surprising for just hanging out in Pop Warner jerseys and wearing sandals doing drills that football players should know better than they know Rosie and her five beautiful sisters, the news coming out of the Chicagoland area was all a buzz…And for good reason of course since the Bears have had a plethora of questions to face during the off-season. And word has it Cedric Benson is already organizing “A Love Boat Bash” for the team on their by week…But Bears fans, don’t be alarmed, Benson will stay clear of any wrong doing! Shit, somebody has to be the skipper! Although if there’s police presence, well, all bets are thrown overboard!

Getting back to what goes on, on the field as opposed to off…There was a Brian Urlacher siting this weekend. Yes, he did in fact come out of hibernation to sport the ever popular jersey/sandals look. Surprising…Indeed it was considering the fact that what we’ve been hearing coming out of Urlacher’s piehole the whole off-season was he had no plans of showing up. Well, there goes that theory…Definitely been hanging out with Lance Briggs too much and going to his school of “Blowing Hot Air with Absolutely No Meaning Behind it”, Mr. I’m not suiting up for the Bears again in Briggs!

Though I hardly ever side with an athlete when they still have a contract to fulfill but want to re-up for more jack, however in Urlacher’s case, he is the Bears…He’s the face of that franchise. For years this franchise has been known around the league for being Penny Pinchers and not rewarding peeps who outplay their contract. Not only is 54 the face of the franchise, but at his position he’s likely one of the top three players league wide. If the Bears don’t decide to pay the piper, the message that their sending to everybody else on the team is, “Look, we don’t give a shit who you are…We aren’t shelling out the beans for your ass!” Not a great message to be sending considering Tommie Harris and oh yeah, some dude name Devin Hester are up!

So the Bears don’t anti-up for their big name players, but they’ll sure as hell anti-up again with a quarterback who arguably had the second worst performance in the 41 years of the Super Bowl…Thank God for Tony Eason! Holy Shit…Did I just say that? Coming into this season some might say Wrecks Grossman has a chip on his shoulder. Um, I’d say it’s just a little more than a chip…How about saying his whole professional football career is on his back? Then again, we all thought this same shit last year, thinking his days in Chicago were numbered, but looksy who’s back! OMG! You can’t be f******* serious! When will the fu****** Bears cut the umbilical cord on this one! Ever cats don’t have this many lives now, come on!

Okay, I get it, I get it! In fact we all get it…He was a high draft pick, and so was Curtis Penis, Rashaad Salaam and oh yeah, Cedric Benson. Now if Wrecks was somehow an old girlfriend that you just can’t cut the ties with because she makes you climb walls every time it’s time to do some bed exercises, then, well, we could see that! Hell, we’ve all been there! But every time this jagoff steps onto the field he always seems to throw, (pardon the pun) his defense under the bus. And enough with he played in the Super Bowl, (and, please see Tony Eason regarding that too) yeah, and Trent Dilfer won one too!

So how did Wrecks-n-Effects do in shorts and his flips-flops this weekend? Shortly after Grossman threw interceptions to Alex Brown and Hunter Hillenmeyer on the same series of plays. "You never want to see interceptions, but we're installing the offense and they're installing the defense," quarterbacks coach Pep Hamilton noted. "It's not like we're game-planning our defense, although our defense is pretty good. Exactly my point…This is nothing more than a little more organized than tailgate football where we tell our boys to run “An Out” at the white Chevy Tahoe…Or a “Comeback Route” to the front of the H2. I mean my God!

It’s not like Duey did any better than Luey…As for Orton, well all he did was get picked himself by again Hillenmeyer and Jamar Williams on consecutive plays. Awesome…Simply F****** Fantastic! Hey, has anybody seen Devin Hester, AKA Huey around…Perhaps he should get some reps, definitely won’t hurt!

"[I'm] striving to prove myself in this league and get myself over that hump to become a great quarterback consistently," Grossman said at the conclusion of Saturday's mini-camp. "There's a lot in front of me, but I feel like I can handle everything that's thrown at me." That’s Jim Dandy, Wrecks…Just one thing, in order to be a great quarterback, well, you have to be a good one first! Something that on a weekly basis you prove that you’re not!

So with this, I’ll leave you with a couple of words…”Go Cubbies!”

Now That We All Get to Experience David Stern’s Wet Dream…
Man, it feels so good to be back in this warm and fuzzy seat, as I peck away at this keyboard again…After doing my best impression of the groundhog. No, I didn’t see my shadow…I was spraying bodily fluids out of every orifices of my body. Go to Los Angeles for a few days, freeze my ass off, somehow don’t get sick…Return home to the state that doesn’t know how to obey the Democratic primary rules and need an iron lung for a week. What’s up with that shit…Go figure!

Really, you can’t…Remember how last season when the Boston Celtics pin-pong ball didn’t land them the first overall pick so they could take Greg Oden. Well, how’d that work out? If you’re the Portland TrailBlazers not good at all, but if you’re one of those Beantown Boppers after wiping away the tears from that heartbreak…Um yeah, I’d say you’re happier than when a baby relieves themselves in their Huggies. Danny Ainge looks like a genius…And thanks to good ole friend Kevin McHale, Danny Boy has a legitimate shot to be the GM of the Year. Far cry from a year ago where we were trying to pick between Isiah Thomas and him!

So yes, this year’s edition of the NBA Finals will have a nostalgia flavor to it, AKA The David Stern Wet Dream! After all this cat has been through with the league of the past few seasons with Referee Scandal, to players packing and everything else that has given the league black eyes over this time period…I just have one question. Could D.S. be any happier than a pig who loves to roll around in his shit and squeal until the cows come home. I mean damn, how many story lines does this 2008 Finals Edition bring to the table? Presently I don’t fully know, although you bet your ass that every media outlet will beat all of them to a dead horse…Some much in fact that you better believe that before this series ends PETA will be getting involved in some fashion!

Lets face it, the last few editions of The Finals have been well, last year I wrote of , “Instead of Watching the NBA Finals, I’d Rather be Riding Up and Down on a Freaking Elevator” (really good read by the way) so that should give you some clue as to how the Finals have gone MIA. For this, I don’t sense that, but rather we all remember 20 years ago when these two franchises sporting them daisy dukes beating the shit out of each other and while Pal Gasol will be playing the role of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Kevin Garnett will be the Chief, believe it or not this is exactly what the