One Time at Band Camp…
Well, we all know how that ends! Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself! Although here’s a new one for you…One time at Camp Randall I went to watch a football game and the marching band was suspended indefinitely while allegations of hazing, alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct were investigated. Consequently ending up in not playing Saturday during a nationally televised football game as the Suckeyes came calling! Well, shit…It’s no wonder why the Fighting Buckies lost. Oh no, hold up…That’s right…That was complements of Terrell Pryor.

Allegations of hazing, alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct on a college campus, oh no, that doesn’t happen at all…That’s like saying, that there’s women who pose nude in Playboy who are airbrushed! So what was head marcher himself Mike Leckrone to do, decided for the first time in his tenure the entire band, (all 300 members) has been suspended and prevented from playing at a game. However, I’m curious as to what kind of hazing goes on amongst a band. What, are the drum dudes forced to play tubas? And if they don’t oblige do other band members force their heads down the tuba as someone plays it. Or if not that, are band members forced to make a “cymbal sandwich” with their melons as they get their ears bashed in? And we all know how lovely that feels! The silver lining here, the Marching Buckies better be thankful that this didn’t happen at “Band Camp”…Undoubtedly, the punishment would’ve been a lot harsher…With the punishment being a lifetime ban from the camp! And we all know how fun and how one can thoroughly enjoy themselves at “Band Camp”, now don’t we? Especially with a flute!

We’ve heard of players from every sport’s genre being held accountable for their actions by getting suspended. We’ve heard about mascots, (as ludicrous as it sounds) falling into the same category, but a marching band? Not just single out a few members, but all 300…Yeah, I can see football coaches across the country taking this approach! Couldn’t Leckrone just take away the “Band Camp” privileges to the Bad Buckies? Although last year Joe Pa did start his own “Postgame Sanitizing Services” for free compliments of his Mean Machine bunch at the State Penn. Ironically though, this isn’t the first time the Madison Marchers have made headlines…Surprisingly enough and as crazy as it may sound it's the latest in a series of high profile problems for the band.

In February 2007 the marching band's assistant director Michael Lorenz resigned after an internal report criticized his treatment of a female colleague during a rowdy band trip to Michigan in 2006. Reports of band members' hazing, alcohol use and inappropriate sexual behavior prompted the university to put the band on probation after the trip. So now we all know, it’s not the Greek Life that you want to be involved with on the Madison campus…Hell no! It’s the Band Life! That’s where the party’s at! Then-Chancellor John Wiley threatened band members with losing performance and travel privileges. In an October 2006 letter to Leckrone, he called band members' behavior "boorish to patently dangerous and unlawful," as seminude band members were alleged to have danced suggestively and there were reports of women being forced to kiss other women to be allowed to enter bathrooms on a bus. Damn, America Pie cast members would be so proud! There’s no telling what Alyson Hannigan would do!

Would she let Terrell Pryor score…Hmm?

It’s Florida State-Miami Weekend, Can I Get a Pabst Blue Ribbon With That?
Remember not so long ago when the Miami-Florida State game was must see boobtubism. Whatever happened to them days? Now this great rivalry is no different than the first Presidential Debate that aired last week and nobody gave a shit about, (check the ratings). Since this game has fallen off the face of the f-ing college football landscape, this weekend these two renew their rivalry as the Criminoles travel to South Florida to take on the Convicts.

True, these teams aren't as they used to be when they held sway over the 80's & 90's, but have we ever seen a rivalry such as fierce as this one is/was, falling so below the radar screen. Shit, the Pop Warner game in my neighborhood this weekend is getting more publicity than this. For the past couple of seasons, this annual gridiron battle bringing us exciting moments like these, (depending upon if you’re a FSU or UM fan)...

To now being best characterized and mentioned in the same breath as this God awful "Super Bowl Shuffle Wannabe Remix". (WARNING: LISTEN AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! And if you can't get through the entire 5 minutes I won't blame you!)

Sadly though, that’s the best way to put it what this game has become in recent years. It holds about as much value as the epic annual tilt between BYU-Utah nowadays…And at least for this year that might be generous. WHOA! Who would’ve ever thought that would be the case? Speaking of case, the UM-FSU game, it’s like buying a case of Genesee when you’re used to Sam Adams, (pick your flavor)…Like guzzling some Busch when you’re in need of Miller Lite…Making out with some Pabst Blue Ribbon because Bud Light was busy…Satisfying your hops craving with some Milwaukee’s Best as opposed to some Icehouse…Relying on the Red Dog to make this Sunshine State Showdown worth watching when we all know some Coors should be in your coozie!

Wow, how far has this game fallen from the national spotlight…WHOA!

Chicago Cubs Playoff Baseball is Nothing More Than an Etch-A-Sketch…
That is when it comes to the post-season. All that hard work they put into the regular season, getting the fans all hot and bothered just like "Cindy" does as she suffocates us with her all natural Double-D body parts knowing full well when the rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" is over she’s taking her $10 and leaving. Same thing with the Northsiders when the calendar turns to October and there’s still baseball being played in Wrigleyville…And so began that trend last night as the Dodgers came into the friendly confines and yet again showed us why the Cubs are, well, the Cubs!

Okay, perhaps it’s a little too early for all the doom and gloom. On second thought, no it’s not! We all know how the story ends…Read the book many times! We just don’t know how and when the choking will commence, we just know it will! As I said last night to my roommate even before the loveable losers took the field, that even though the White Sox had to be on life support just to make the postseason, that I wholeheartedly believe that they will advance farther in these playoffs. Quite simply I based that statement on, well, the Cubs, they’re the Cubs…And just as
Dennis Green says, "They are who we thought they were!"

And so in this 2008 edition of the MLB playoffs, the 100 years of agony will soon turn into 101…Hell, it already started last night! We just don’t know when the Cubs are going to erase themselves as if they were something drawn on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Oh wait, they are…

There’s always next year, right? GO CUBBIES!!! Oh yeah, and kudos on the drawing Etch-A-Sketch dude…It makes me want to go out and buy one again so I can once again draw stick figures on it.

Cedric Benson-Cincinnati Bengals…Is There a More Perfect Match?
On the heels of this country seemingly going down the shitter because those ass holes in Washington can’t get on the same page, wondering what’s going to happen next? Will Joe Six Pack be laid off, because incidentally 6.1 percent of us are unemployed…And that number will only continue to rise and this country runs a muck! It’s just too bad that we can’t have the peeps who run the Cincinnati Bengals on Capital Hill. Not sure which would be better…Shit heads who say they have our backs, but in all honesty don’t or the Bengals brass whose odds are would sign Rae Carruth the moment he gets out of the slammer? They employ anybody!

The Bengals have said that they want to change their entire persona…That be of losing and not being labeled the Mean Machine of the NFL. The losing they did change for a few years at least, but now your fathers Bengals have resurfaced this year. Although, I’m a bit perplexed…The Bengals want to change their image of not having anything to do with individuals who exemplify character concerns, but if you’re trying to do that, um, do you sign Cedric Benson? Instead of trying to clean up that persona, um, aren’t you just adding to it? Arguably you’ll not find a better fit anywhere of one specific player to one specific team…I mean, the fit of these two sides can’t get anymore perfect, as both represent what the other is!

Look I understand the need for a running back in The Natti do to Kenny Watson’s hamstring issue and Chris Perry’s non existence…And having to choose either Cedric Benson or Shaun Alexander to fill the role is not exactly ideal for anybody! For all intensive purposes every GM in the league would’ve chosen Benson over Alexander…That’s along the same of choosing Obama over McCain, don’t know when the old foggie will fall down in the wind!

And given the state of the Bengals O-Line, um, hell, they could sign Usain Bolt if the run blocking, (hell, just the blocking as a whole) by the offensive line doesn't improve, hello news flash, Benson won’t fair much better. This cat, well, lets just say no one ever accused him of being elusive, except maybe behind the wheel of a boat! Benson running exactly as he is, at least in terms of style. Too often, the first person who touches him also tackles him. That's not really a spectacular trait in a player who seems to seek out contact. Sounds like a great addition in addition to that offensive line!

Okay, okay…I get that everybody in this country deserves, (or is it gets) a second chance. Truth of the matter is in the NFL world, he still doesn’t have a lot of miles on him and was still a fourth overall selection for a reason, (I think, verdict still out on that). So in reality the Bungles had nothing to lose, since it looks like the Bungles have come back to the NFL after being in hibernation for a few years. Truth be told though, this will undoubtedly be Benson’s "last call".

I just can’t help but wonder if Cedric Benson was supposed to be a Bengal all a long! A douchebag who had two grand juries recently declined to indict him on various carousing-while-intoxicated charges, and the Bengals reach out to you…Man, makes you wonder! Another thing I’m pondering…Will he be named one of the Bengals captains this week?

Al Davis…Does he Best Resemble?
A.)A Babbling Senile Idiot who has it out for Chris Mortenson
B.)The Grim Reaper
C.)The Dude from Saw
D.) Gollum from Lord of the Rings

Now before answering this very difficult questions abruptly, allow me to make a suggest to you. You should check the video surveillance first. Roll it…
http://www.nfl.com/videos?videoId=09000d5d80b43727

Gees, I’m not sure if that made things any easier? Think things just got more difficult to answer with that…Damn It! Although, does this question really have a wrong answer? Well, lets just say you came in contact with "Pacman", (excuse me, Adam) Jones in a strip club and he had his glock pressed against your noodle and forced you to give him an answer…Only chosen one. Which would it be?

I’d be obliged to see if I could phone a friend first from Adam’s iPhone, and if that wasn’t an option…I’d say I’d have to select (D.) as my final answer!! Oh, please don’t shoot Pacman!!
Now what about you?

The Over/Under on the Dallas Cowboys Season Getting T.O.’d is…?
My guess is, well oh, 33 percent sounds like a good number! That is 33 percent that it will go up in smoke! So Cowboy fans, the numbers still seem to be in your favor…Which is more than I can say for the rest of the country as the “Bailout Plan”, went, well, up in smoke too!

After for the most part of little over a year of being a great “human being”, seemingly who had overcome his pill popping issues…Looksy what happened. The real Terrell Owens, the one everybody hates once again shined through the dark clouds he casts over every NFL team that he plays for. Although not surprising in the least! For we all know Owens body language better than he does, and for us who saw the Redskins-Cowboys game on Sunday saw this coming to a postgame microphone somewhere located in Texas Stadium. However as perplexed of an ass hole he is, his post game gripes were even more out of this world! Wait a minute, what am I saying…I’m talking about Terrell Owens! None of the shit he every does, says makes sense!

"I'm a competitor and I want the ball,'' T.O. said after the 26-24 loss to the Redskins, Now sure he was a little cranky after the loss because we all know that he envisioned the Cowboys going 16-0…So understandably has reasons to pout just as “Little T” does! Implicating the coaching staff for not recognizing that he must be the focal point of the offense. Even though the numbers, (and they don’t lie) shows the quarterback throws 17 passes in your direction and you also run the ball twice for 11 yards…Which ironically just happened to be 33 percent of the Cowboys offense on Sunday. Thirty–three percent was directed towards a douchbag who thinks he needs to be involved more so…Very interesting! Speaking of the quarterback, the same one She-O came to the defensive of last year, in tears no less after getting bounced from the playoffs. Now it just looks like Terrell Owens' love affair with his “quarterback” and the rest of his Dallas teammates may be turning down the rocky path that his relationships with Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia followed. So much for the sobfest…It was a good show though! I’m just glad I had my popcorn ready!

Needless to say, we’re all going to have to get our popcorn ready…When a cat gets looked at 17 times and runs it twice on two end-arounds. Yet when asked if the ball was thrown his way often enough, Owens said:

"I would say no. I'm a competitor, and I want the ball,” oh yes, we have a hell of a show on our hands!! And adds…"Everybody recognized that I wasn't really getting the ball in the first half," Owens said. "I'm pretty sure everybody watching the game recognized it, people in the stands recognized it, I think my team recognized it. I didn't quit. I kept fighting and trying to run my routes and trying to get open."

Gees, that’s so f-ing of you that you continued to do your freaking job! Wait, I just came up with a brilliant notion…Even better than the “Bailout Plan”! Movie theaters need to come up with the “Terrell Owens Popcorn Bucket”…So quite simply we don’t have to be concerned about running out of popcorn during this show! Make it the biggest, baddest popcorn bucket known to man…You know, to resemble him!

Now I’m no Jason Garrent or anything, but looksy as if the offense was forcing the ball to TO at times, at least it seemed like that, (COUGH). And you can't make me believe this line couldn't do more with running plays and blocking. What happened to draw plays with Felix? What happened to Barber/Felix packages to keep the defense guessing? What happened to Felix in the passing game since he has receiver skills? The guy’s only Maurice Jones-Drew revisited, (of course taller). Barber, well, speaks for himself…Did they even dress out on Sunday?

Look, don’t get your jock strap in a bunch just because it seems as if father time is beginning to slowly creep up on the old man. Since the iggles game, you look more like a 40-year old. DB’s are on you like flies on shit these days…Seemingly your separation from them is non-existent! Pretty soon Garrent’s going to have to take a page out of the Miami Dolphin’s playbook and drum up the “Wildcat Offense” just to make your prick ass happy! Hate to inform you of this, um, yeah, you are not as good as you think you are and um, yeah, the offense goes through F-ing Marion Barber, not you "Cast Iron Skillet Hands"!

And with the flare up of Owens yet again, finally we get back the selfishness of TO….Missed it for a season! It's amazing when the Cowboys start to implode. Next week: Pacman hits up one of the 200K strip clubs in Dallas, slaps a stripper and Jerry Jones bails him out of jail. It'll be nothing if entertaining. Let the choking begin! Have fun not winning another playoff game, Cowboy fans! I LOVE ME SOME ME!

Oh shit…Couple things just in, TO's Drama Part III coming your way. Getcha popcorn ready and enjoy the show. Not to be out done…

Drew Rosenhaus has just announced a 6 PM press conference in T.O.'s drive way. Members of the Media are cordially invited to watch his superstar do situps, lift weights, and smile--all the while telling anyone who will listen that he's under utilized and under appreciated. For those members of the media unable to attend, Rosenahus will forward tape of same scene/different team from T.O.'s days as an Eagle.

Matt Bryant Exemplifies Toughness to the Fullest and Beyond
For all of us, football is a weekly ritual from September to January…It’s what we live for. No matter what kind of clusterf****tish we have going on in our everyday lives, football, (at least for a few hours anyway) is a great distraction…No matter how bad ones favorite team blows. Puts the mind at ease.

And so was the case yesterday what happened in Tampa, Florida. While us as fans treat the flying pigskin as religion, for the players that play on Sunday, well, it’s their job. Now we often rag on players in the league for various reasons, (too many to mention) we often joke around that kickers in the NFL aren’t really football players…As we make fun of them trying to attempt making a tackle, lunging and grasping nothing but air in doing so. Or having that Gero Yepremian version in our heads as he attempted, (I think) in Super Bowl VII. Yes, we all give kickers the business! Although, it can’t be argued that Matt Bryant wasn’t the toughest player to put on an NFL uniform yesterday!

It just can’t! Not when you consider that fact that a day after burying his three-month-old son, Bryant not only showed up for work, but he kicked three field goals, including a 24-yarder with 2:28 left that proved to be the difference in the Buccaneers victory over the Packers. First off this is nothing short of remarkable that Matt even showed up to work! Hell, lets take you or I for example…If this shit happened to us, there’d be no way in hell that we’d be showing up to our 7-11 job a day after burying our son asking customers how much they want on pump 4 out there! Or if somebody was bitching and complaining that we were out of slurppees, we just as soon go Kimbo Slice on their ass! How surreal must that have been for him yesterday…On the football field, doing his job. It had to have been all blurred together as I imagine the game was played out in slow-motion silence.

What Bryant was able to do yesterday defies words…It really is! He wasn’t trying to be a tough guy, one who’d play through the pain…Wasn’t trying to suck it up for the team and play through an injury. The pain that he has is unlike any of us have felt…And hopefully haven’t felt, or will never feel! Having our world crash in all around us…As we keep echoing that same sediment. Why? Why? Why? Now true, just as I mentioned about football giving us the fans a temporary distraction from our real lives, I’m sure Bryant would echo that, for this was his three hour escape! Unfortunately, it is only temporary…And as those remaining 2:28 slowly ticked away, the distraction went bye-bye and Kimbo Slice reappeared punching Matt in the gut once again!

I don’t think this can even put what Matt did into context, but the reality is what Bryant did against the Packers transcends any vague sense we might have of football toughness. Also, the reality is in a sports world of today where athletes are always thinking about themselves…Looking out for number one and in a time where it could be deemed necessary to look out and take care of oneself, Matt Bryant didn’t blink! Rather showing up for work as though nothing ever happened…When he’s an emotional wreck inside!

Yes, we tend to rip kickers often…Although, perhaps we see them in a totally different light now! One thing for sure, Matt Bryant you are the toughest player quite possible ever to step foot onto a football field!! RIP Tryson!

Brett Favre Wasn't The Only Thing On Fire in East Rutherford Yesterday
Okay, so we all know by now that Brett Favre did something yesterday that he never did in his career before by torching the Arizona Cardinals defensive with six touchdown passes…Not bad for a "bum ankle". Good ole Eric Mangini take a page out of the Bill Billichick "injury report" playbook. Although something you may not have known, it’s because of that "bum ankle" that I cut Favre from my fantasy team…Brilliant call ass hole, don’t I know!

Something must’ve been in the air besides the smell over East Rutherford, New Jersey yesterday…While The Bretts, (I know, really gay) were putting the Cards over hot coals during the game, before the game looks as if who ever was the SOB in charge of bringing the grill to the tailgating party, forgot…So what’s one to do?

The ever popular Plan B…Just light the whole f-ing car on fire….

Have to cook the brats somehow! And besides, it holds the M-fer accountable for his actions!! Just don’t pay ant attention to the aluminum flavor…It’s not like it’s going to kill you!

Dude…Where’s My Helmet?
We need an amber alert sent out on an University of North Carolina helmet ASAP! Last sighting? Well, here’s video surveillance…

Initial reaction to this as I saw it, um…Uncontrollable hysterical laughter! Forget a decleater and a slobberknocker…That just make you piss your pants! And you thought you had a severe hangover this that makes you feel like your head’s going to blow a gasket!

Without Question, The Greatest Beer Commercial!!
Beer commercials are a dime of dozen. They’re along the same lines of pole huggers who we love visiting at are favorite gentleman’s establishments and shearing our wealth with. Just as Randy, Candy, and Bambi, want to get into our pockets, (easy boy, not in that sort of way) the same can be said for the various beer companies. Always looking for that competitive edge, (no, not steroids) against all other competitors to present there products.
Now we all have our favorite beer spots, from the Man Laws, to the Budweiser Frogs and Wasssssssssup, to Red Stripe…So on and so forth! I’m just here to tell you, that whichever beer ad you call your favorite, well, it used to be once you see this one!! Believe me when I say the following Guinness is the single greatest beer commercial ever! Hell, screw beer commercials…It’s the single greatest commercial ever! Bar None!!

But don’t take my word for it…Have a looksy for yourself! Drink up….

Priceless!! Absolutely priceless!! Although, I could do without the sloppy seconds when it comes to sharing my beer…However, in this instance, I can over look that! And on that note, um, would somebody go get me a freaking Guinness!!

Millen’s Wife Labels Detroit "Football Prison"…Mark Schlereth Calls Millen "Garbage"
I would like to take this opportunity and just welcome the Detroit Lions back to the National Football League! Can’t say anybody missed you as every fan cherished to see the Lions appear on their respective team schedule over the years, and of course we’ll certainly miss that…Although, we still have the Oakland Raiders to look forward to playing. So all isn’t that bad!

Speaking of bad, I can’t decide who was worse…Matt Millen in Detroit or Isiah Thomas in New York? Pick your poison there, literally! This version of "Dumb & Dumber" can compare notes of how to run an organization into the ground…Burying it deeper and deeper year in and year out, making a travishamockery of sorts, making fans live in misery and still some how retain their freaking position with the team! They’re spitting images of each other…Well, besides one being black and one being white, (for those who are color blind).

As noted year in and year out Millen had to go….Unfortunately, it took William Clay Ford’s little ankle biter to call pops out on national television to knock some common sense into his old ass cranium. My guess is if he would’ve known it would’ve been that easy, he would’ve called pops out on national boobtubeion oh say, four or five years before this week! Surprisingly enough we were all flabbergasted, the deer in the headlights look if you will as we heard the news of Millen’s axing…Having to check our calendars to see if it was April Fools Day or something. Hell, it’s like the Lions just won the Super Bowl or something…Everybody, (well mostly everybody’s rejoicing…Get to that in a bit.

Now through Millen’s tenure, we’ve all had are opinions of this jackass from afar…Although how about peeps who had to try and work along side this loser, what must’ve that been like? Oh yeah, HELL! Wonder what Steve Mariucci thinks of this shit for brains? When asked if Millen forced him to start Joey Harrington, Mariucci offered this:

[Millen] wanted to see if we could make [Harrington] into a legitimate starting quarterback -- a winning quarterback -- and I was willing to do that early. As time went on, you know, a young quarterback with a young team -- that's not a good recipe for success.

So, we weren't quite sure that he was going to be the guy. In fact, we suggested, you know, trading with somebody else for other veteran quarterbacks because we gradually believed that Joey would be better suited to be a backup for a while and watch somebody else do it.

So Matt wasn't willing to spend more money on the quarterback position. Matt insisted that we try to develop Joey and build up other parts of the team while we were trying to develop his skills, but it wasn't going to happen.

Mariucci also gave his thoughts on Millen taking wideouts Charles Rogers and Mike Williams with top-10 picks even though, as Rich Eisen suggested, he was against it:

Philosophically, when you build a team -- and, you know, he took the team apart -- they were 9-7 when Matt took over, they were a decent football team and he tried to take it apart and get it to the next level. So there's a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done. With that said, to spend four early draft picks on one position is philosophically difficult to do because you are maybe loading up one position, which two out of the four worked out. Calvin Johnson is going to be a good player and so is Roy [Williams].

But Mike Williams was not somebody we collectively wanted to draft. That came as quite a surprise on draft day that we ended up drafting him when there were so many other good players on the board. In the meantime, you neglect your defense and some other areas of need...
But [Millen] was trying to put in a supporting cast for Joey, to develop Joey's ability to succeed and he did it with the receiver position.

Mooch, didn’t throw him under the bus too bad…He just stated the obvious that everybody knew! HE’S A SHITFORBRAINS!

Although while everybody has taken a shot at Millen, a few hours after Matt Millen was fired, finally, from his job of running the Detroit Lions into the ground, his wife decided to take a shot at the franchise that showed her husband more loyalty as any employer has ever shown any employee in human history….Here's what she said:

"We're fine," Millen's wife, Patty, told ESPN’s Chris Mortensen. "In the world's view, this may look like failure. It's been a hard road, footballwise, but we've gotten a lot of eternal blessings. We'll move forward. I told him, 'You're out of football prison now' and we have a greater purpose."

Failure huh, Patty? How about an abortion, not to mention one big clusterfu**…Yeah, you forgot to mention that as well. Interesting, I didn’t know Detroit was known as "football prison"? Funny, I don’t remember it being that way before hubby arrived in town coming as they came off a 9-7 season. Not forgetting that they made the playoffs six of the nine years before that. So yeah, that "football prison" you want to make Detroit out to be, well, hate to tell you sweetie, but good ole hubby built that prison from the ground up. And by the Lions firing your dumbass husband, that’s the first step in the demolition of the "prison". Since your husband's arrival, the Lions have never even been close to sniffng the playoffs. Hey Patsy, the reason why Big Matt’s tenure in Detroit looks like a failure, well, that’s real easy…Because f-ing was!

Surprisingly enough it wasn’t just Matt’s ball & chain coming to his rescure, actually it was bizarre to hear ESPN's Tony Kornheiser claim on Pardon the Interruption that Millen was qualified. Wait a minute…Who am I kidding, bizarre! I should consider the source of this hot air…

"I know him a long time," Kornheiser said. "I think he was qualified for his job. I think that his years of being a player, and his years of being on television, helped him evaluate personnel. I'm stunned by the totality of his failure because I like the guy a lot."

Dan Le Batard then proceeded to tell Kornheiser he's an idiot…
"You're sucking up to him because he's friends with you," Le Batard said. "Because you guys have always liked him and this is how he's gotten ahead. He should have never had that job." "How can you defend Matt Millen as being qualified for that position?"

Dan, that’s real easy…TK’s "qualified for that position" logic is the same exact logic ESPN used to put this clown in the Monday Night booth in the first place! So yes, it all makes perfect sense…Just like that freaking pythagorean theorem does!

And then ESPN’s Mark Schleretz brought some actual common sense to the table, echoing what the majority of us felt about the Millen Detroit debacle…

Schlereth prefaced his comments by saying he personally likes Millen. "He's a guy that I respect," Schlereth said. "A guy that I love." And then Schlereth put the key in the ignition and then began to back the bus over him after throwing him under it…For good reason of course!"It may be the worst personnel job in the history of the National Football League," Schlereth said. "He was horrible. Matt was -- I mean, it was absolute garbage."

"Garbage"…Wonder if that could be construed as "Failure"?

Now here’s where it gets interesting… Millen is fond of saying that people who criticize his tenure running the Detroit Lions don't understand the game of football. Is he going to say that about Schlereth as well? All Schlereth is, is, well, played in two Pro Bowls, won three Super Bowl rings and been around the game his entire life…That’s all! But yet does he understand football? The verdict is still out on that, as in O.J. staying out of the slammer for a double murder. I just know losing isn’t good…And when you lose very often, well, you’re failing! And when you’re making the wrong personnel moves every time you make a freaking personnel decision, well yeah, then, it can be interpreted as being garbage! Of course, I don’t understand football! But Patty sure seems to have a pulse for it!

Date Night Advice with Texas Tech Coach Mike Leech
We all know of those call in shows that every collegiate coach in America has…It’s an opportunity to give fans of that respective team time to shoot the shit with the ole ball coach, while allowing the institution to prosper ever more so by having local sponsors for the telecasts. Throughout these annual renditions it’s the same old shit, callers call in giving congrats for the victories and ready to hang the coach for all the loses.

Questions range from, "How about if we do this instead of this?" "And how come so and so isn’t playing?" Okay, first off genius…This isn’t high school or pee wee leagues here! So if a particular player isn’t playing, that pretty much means he sucks balls! It’s plan and simple! Second of all, I’m sure every coach in America laughs their asses off when fans try to give them pointers! Look, there’s a reason why you sit in the LastRow of Sec. 077 and not strolling the sideline…Of course though, every coach in the country says the politically correct thing and responds, "we’ll surely take that into consideration.

These episodes are so vanilla…However, once in a while they tend to get spiced up a little. And what a better football coach to do the than Texas Tech coach Mike Leech. Besides being a wack offense progenitor - football coach. And not having the ability to schedule a non-conference opponent with a pulse, besides all that, Mike Leech, well, he appears to be a "First Date Expert".

Lets check it out shall we…

Yeah Dr. Phil, where you at punk! How awesome is that, a Big 12 football coach giving dating advice. And not just any old advice…Shockingly it was pretty good advice. Although one thing, the weirdos in the coffee shop, of course they’ll be…You live in Lubbock for God’s sake! Weirdos aren’t just relegated to them coffee shops down there…Never been there, but I’m guessing they’re all over!

The question that I have is, just say "the caller" took the advice of Love Doctor Leech…Followed his gameplan to the "T", um what happens when he’s forced to call an audible? Does this dating tip come with some kind of "helpful hints wristband" where the advice is scripted out and all "the caller" has to do is look down at it and pick out a formation he likes and go with it? Because as we all know some establishments are louder than others, which does make hearing quite difficult at times!

So the next time you’re in Lubbock, Texas, (which I don’t know why you would ever want to be) but if you are and you haven’t got the f-ing slightest idea what to do, just remember, Mike Leech…He’s only one phone call away!

Alabama-Georgia…It’s on Like a Donkey Kong "F-ING FUNERAL" Saturday Night
As with any big college football game, the anticipation throughout the course of the week leading up to it is well, enormous. And so here we are, about ready to close out the first month of the season with another one of these games. First it was Ohio State-USC, um yeah, I’d would’ve rather hammered nails into my eyes…For one thing, it would’ve been more exciting! The media folks tried their damndest to build up the Tennessee-Florida game a week ago…Again, would’ve rather rode out Hurricane Ike! More thrilling! Same goes for the Clemson-Alabama matchup to start the year! However, if you try-try again, you’re bound to get one correct and last weeks billing of LSU-Auburn finally lived up to what it was supposed to be!So here we sit this week, where the "Game of the Century", (or week…however, one wants to look at it) will be between The Hedges when the Fighting UGA’s host the Fighting Elephants, or simply…Alabama-Georgia!
Another battle between two top ten teams…It’s what we’ve come to expect from the SEC week in and week out! And so the media attention began shining the spotlight on this game last Sunday, as Georgia announced then that it would black out Saturday’s game against Alabama. That’s right, one big "Black Out"…Just a question, I thought black was the color appropriate for funerals. Why do teams have this notion that all black uni’s will put the fear of God into them…I never understood that?

So obviously there’s only one thing for Nick Saban to do then, but wear a black Alabama golf shirt to his press conference. Of course! Responding to a writer who noted the black Alabama polo like this…

"It was the only thing I could find at the house this morning." Here, take a listen for yourself…(fast forward through all the blah, blah, blah…the cooking of the meat and potatoes begins at the 4:25 mark. Listen closely…Besides being a football coach, Nick Saban is one hell of a comedian).

Um Nick, if that was the only thing you had to wear, um, either, A) your ball-n-chain at home doesn’t like to do any kind of laundry, or B) I just have to know what the hell you’ve done with all that loot that the Alabama Slammer boasters dumped in your lap? Only thing you had to wear…Gees, I know things are tough in this country nowadays, but holy shit! Having to ransack through your hamper in order to get dressed, damn!

Although funny thing is, Mark Richt and Nick Saban must have a common joke writer. They used the same quip about their shirts about 24 hours apart on opposite sides of the border. So on Tuesday Mark Richt decides to wear a red Georgia golf shirt instead of getting into the blackout spirit…Responding in nearly the same fashion…(Sorry, no video footage of this)

"It was the only thing I could find at the house this morning."

Okay now, it’s a known fact that the SEC coaches get paid the most jack of any other D-I football conference in the nation…Is it preposterous to fathom that if their battle axes at home aren’t keeping up with the honey dos around the crib, (i.e., the laundry) couldn’t they just hire somebody? I’m thinking if one is making 2-4 million a year…Hell, shouldn’t he at least have clean threads to go to press conferences in?

So it goes without saying, the pre-game hype has already started. But you can’t tell by the press conferences. Both teams kept their answers guarded….Disregarding their apparel of course!
They praised the opposition and even held their criticism vague enough to mean anything. It will be hard for anybody to find bulletin-board material. Keeping their yaps closed…Not like that Clemson Defensive Coordinator who got a searve case of oral diarrhea before the Alabama game. Yeah oops! Bulletin-board material will be nonexistent as Saban and Richt have respectively evoked a gag order to everybody associated with their respective team. Yep, when the cameras and tape recorders are rolling it’s time to super glue the lips together!Although, I wonder what’s said in practice, where they’re no mics and cameras around? Well here, why don’t we have a looksy at a Alabama practice this week…And as Paul Westerdawg of GeorgiaSportsBlog points out an Alabama assistant coach using the Black out this Saturday as motivation for BAMA to bury the Dawgs. His exact words at the 1:03 mark in the video are this...

(For those of you who can’t make out the mumble jumble…Here, I’ll help you out)
MUMBLE JUMBLE TRANSLATION, HE SAID…
"THEY ARE WEARING BLACK BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO A MOTHER F-ING FUNERAL!"

Two things here…A) that gets back to my earlier mention of my funeral theory. And B), well, if it wasn’t already on by the two coaches mocking each other in dirty clothes, just got one thing to say! IT’S ON LIKE F-ING DONKEY KONG NOW, JACK! OH YEAH!! Were’s Michael Buffer when you need him?